Wednesday, April 1, 2009

13 – Forgiving Others

If you live on this planet, someone, sometime, is going to hurt you. When they do, you only have two options.
· You can forgive them, let go of the bitterness, and think of yourself as a child of God who is loved and well cared for despite some hurt, or;
· You can hang on to resentment and think of yourself as a victim.
If you carry resentment, the person who will suffer most for it is you. The suffering will also extend to whoever is close to you, whether or not they had anything to do with your past hurt. If you resent people who have hurt you in the past, you are likely to over react to your spouse in the routine things you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
For some strange reason, resentment tends to make you become like the person you have resentment toward. If you resent your Dad, some morning you will wake up and find him staring back at you in the mirror.
Some people think that to forgive they need to do a little rationalizing. Rationalizing sounds something like this:
· I would have done the same thing in his situation.
· She didn’t really know how bad that would hurt me, or she wouldn’t have done it.
· His Mom mistreated him, so he can’t help acting that way.
Rationalizing may make you feel better, but it isn’t required for forgiveness. When you forgive, you recognize that what was done was wrong and that it really hurt, but you choose to let go of the bitterness.
Jesus showed us that it is important and urgent that we forgive those who have wronged us.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)
Forgiveness is not the same as trust. If I loan you my car and you bring it back crushed and admit that you really don’t know how to drive, I need to forgive you. I don’t have to trust you with my car again anytime soon. Someone may have hurt you in a way that makes you feel that you cannot trust them. You can still forgive them, letting go of the bitterness you feel. You don’t have to trust them until they have earned your renewed trust. If someone continually hurts you, you may need to be somewhat on guard with them, but you don’t need to carry a grudge or look for ways to repay hurt with hurt.
Letting go of bitterness and resentment is easier said than done. We recommend doing it while praying, by telling God something like this: “God, Joe really hurt me by what he did. I know You have forgiven all the wrong I have done, so I forgive Joe for what he did. Even though he hurt me, You have always been with me to help me and show me Your love.”
Many things can trigger memories and the feelings that go with them. You may have forgiven someone and may have prayed something like the prayer in the paragraph above. You may be feeling fine and suddenly be hit with anger or resentment over some past hurt. A song, a smell, a simple statement, or a sight may trigger your feelings. Don’t despair, it’s time to pray again and feel again that freedom from those past hurts. Every time you pray and forgive, the grip that your past has on you will weaken. Your mind will be retrained and you will find yourself stewing over past hurts less and less frequently.
There may be someone from your past that is still in a position to hurt you. For example, if you had children with someone you are now divorced from, they will have an ongoing influence in your life because of your shared involvement in the children’s lives. This will make it all the more important that you clear your heart of bitterness from the past. If you do, you will be able to deal with today’s issues today, and not react to hurtful experiences from the past. Keep praying about your forgiveness and trust God with your life. If you are due child support or other money, you need to keep your heart free from depending on it. You can insist on what is rightfully yours, but when you are alone, you need to acknowledge to God that it is really Him you rely on. When you pray, let go of your need for financial help and agree with God that He will take care of you even when others fail you. Doing this will free you from the control the other person has over your emotions.
If one of your parents is still inflicting hurt on your life with negative comments, interference, or the withholding of love, you and your spouse need to lean on each other and on God. Do this while obeying the command to honor your father and your mother. Don’t allow yourself to become bitter or combative toward your parent.
Talk About It –Discuss any hurts that are still having an effect on your marriage. What do you need to do to get free from any unforgiveness you are carrying?

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