40 – The Long Haul

Marriage is meant to last for as long as a couple is both living. You will go through many changes and challenges during a marriage that lasts a lifetime. One of the keys to making a marriage last is to mature in your appreciation for each other. Consider how you handle your differences.
We might see a male/female relationship go through these stages of attitudes toward our differences.
Blindness - When a couple is newly infatuated with each other, they tend to overlook many differences. They think their differences are cute or assume they will be dealt with later.
Annoyance - One of the great reasons not to marry too soon is to let some of the infatuation wear off so you can make a better decision about marriage. You may find that your differences begin to wear on each other. It will now take more maturity to develop your relationship and more effort to find middle ground that you can both live with.
Acceptance - Life gets easier when you accept each other's personalities. It has always been more important to me than to Shirley to be on time when we go somewhere. It has always been more important to her to be completely prepared to go, even if it means being a little late. This was once a source of conflict and annoyance. In time, we learned to each accept what was important to the other. Through communication and negotiation we have found that we can work together and not be in conflict. I may tell her that I want to leave on a trip at 9:00, when I can really live with leaving at 10:00. If it is essential that we leave at 9:00 (or we will miss a flight, for example), we will talk about it more than once and I will ask her in advance what I can do to help her be on time.
Appreciation - I used to get annoyed at Shirley for being late when we left on a trip. She, in turn, would get annoyed at me when I would ask to borrow things she remembered to bring that I never would have thought of (fingernail clippers, chewing gum, lotion, etc.). I have learned to appreciate the thoroughness of her preparation. I think she has learned to appreciate my ability to plan a trip and know when we really need to leave.
You marriage will get sweeter if you can learn to appreciate your differences.
The Seasons in Your Marriage - There will be seasons in your marriage that each present new challenges to your marriage. Consider what you will need to do to navigate your way through these changes.
Children – Adding children to your home is a great blessing, but it comes with added challenges. You will have less time for each other and more demands on your energy and finances. Keep your relationship with each other strong during this time, by making time for each other. This will be the most important time in your marriage for keeping a date night. Work at keeping your family relationships sweet, so that your entire family can enjoy one another with a minimum of conflict.
Children Becoming Adolescents – You may find your adolescent children challenging your values and rebelling against your traditions. You will need a strong relationship with each other to maintain a positive approach to parenting your children. You may find it useful for the two of you to get away alone for an occasional weekend to strengthen your relationship with each other.
The Empty Nest – While you were raising your kids, you probably found meaning and purpose in parenting. When the kids leave home, you will need to find new direction. If you have nurtured a healthy marriage, you will enjoy the freedom of an empty nest. You will enjoy each other’s company and the ability to do things together that you may not have been able to do when you had a family to consider. If you are not enjoying the additional time with each other, that is a signal that you need to work at nurturing your relationship.
The Not So Empty Nest – Sometimes couples with grown children find themselves raising their grandchildren or providing a home for a grown child who may not have left or may have come back to the nest. This may place new demands on your strength and finances at a time when you were hoping to slow down. We’re sure that entire books could be written on some of the circumstances people face with their grown children and their grandchildren. We want to encourage you to maintain your relationship with your spouse, no matter what added challenges you may be facing with your offspring.
Retirement – Retirement can create a huge change in your use of time. Be sensitive to each other in the adjustments you must make during this time. If you have worked on your marriage, the additional time you have together will be a blessing.
End of Life Issues – We aren’t going to live forever on this earth in these bodies. We’re leaving one way or another. One of you may have to care for the other and make decisions for the other at the end of life. This won’t be easy, but it may give you a great opportunity to express your love for each other in practical ways.
Life is challenging, but a solid marriage will equip you for each of life’s seasons. Build your marriage, invest in each other, and walk through the long haul together.
Talk About It – What season of your marriage have you found most challenging so far? What do you expect to find most challenging in the future?