33 – Write it Down

This chapter describes a simple exercise to improve communication in your marriage. Here’s how it works:
1. Choose a simple topic that you each have significant feelings about.
2. Each of you write about it, separately, but at the same time.
3. Exchange papers.
4. Read what your spouse wrote.
5. Talk about it.
This exercise is a way to foster communication about your feelings. It has the advantage of allowing each of you to think clearly, without interruption, while you are writing. You will then have the opportunity to get your spouse’s feelings, uninterrupted, while you are reading. Your discussion afterward will increase your understanding of each other.
We have found this simple exercise increases our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate. For example, one time we wrote down the five most satisfying experiences each of us had in the last five years. I was shocked to find two items on Shirley’s list were improvements we had made in our home. I think home improvement is fine, but until our little writing exercise I didn’t know how important it was to Shirley.
Make sure that when you begin this exercise, you have enough time for it. When you start writing, it may take you a little while. When you start talking, you may find that there is a lot to talk about.
As you write, try to express your feelings. Don’t accuse or complain. Just explain the way you feel. For example, “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a complaint. On the other hand, “I enjoy the time we spend together and often wish we would make more time to spend together,” expresses feelings.
When you read what your spouse has written, make your primary goal understanding your spouse’s feelings. If you read something that sounds like an accusation or that expresses some disappointment in you, don’t become defensive. If you read something that sounds like a problem, don’t try to jump to the conclusion. You can discuss solutions to problems after you have fully understood each other’s feelings.
We wouldn’t recommend this exercise as a means of dealing with major conflict or topics that need urgent attention. This exercise will work best when your minds are relatively clear, you are in a reasonably good mood, and you are not feeling defensive or troubled about your marriage.
This exercise may be particularly useful when you take a trip out of town without children and have extended time together.
We hope this exercise gives you some new understanding of each other and deepens your communication. We aren’t looking at this exercise as a method of unleashing a huge backlog of feelings you have been holding inside for years. If this happens, it is a clear symptom that the communication in your marriage has been inadequate and that you need to devote much more effort to healthy communication.
Something to Write About – Here are some topics you might find useful, but don’t be limited by this list. Think of your own topics that interest you both.
· What are your three favorite memories you have of doing something together?
· Describe what you would like to see happen in the next five years?
· When have you felt closest to God? Why?
· What three people have had the most important positive influence in your life?
· If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
· If you could do one thing to help other people, and you had all the time, training, and money you needed to do it, what would it be?
· If you could go one place, anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would it be?
Talk About It – Are you interested in giving this exercise a try? When would be the best time for you to try it?