28 – Communication

Communication is like oil in an engine. The engine runs smoothly with it, but breaks without it. Good communication is closely related to mutual respect. If you respect each other, you are going to care enough to communicate with each other. If your communication is weak, your respect for your spouse will make you want to work to improve it.
Good communication takes deliberate effort. You need to work at keeping communication healthy in your marriage.
You can measure the health of your communication in these four ways:
Kindness – You can choose the tone you use when you speak to one another. Your tone will help determine whether your words are helpful or harmful.
An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. (Proverbs 12:25)
Too many couples have the bad habit of escalating harshness. That is, if someone’s spouse speaks harshly to them, they want to speak back even more harshly. This practice causes some couples to allow some small difference to explode into a major fight. Shirley and I have frequently met with couples who had a major fight over some very small incident. The only reason that it became major was that they each chose to respond to harshness with greater harshness. The Bible teaches us to do just the opposite.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
We learn from the Bible that we have a natural problem with our tongue.
All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:7-8)
If we are going to speak a kind word, we need God’s help to tame the tongue. If you have a habit of speaking harshly to your spouse or family, ask God to give you a kind tongue.
Timeliness – For some things, when you say something is as important as what you say. If something is going to impact your life and I respect you, I’m going to want you to know about it in advance.
Suppose your parents are planning to visit on Saturday. You know that your wife is uncomfortable around your parents and might give you a negative reaction if you tell her what’s planned. If you respect her, you are going to tell her in advance. If you choose to spring it on her at the last minute to avoid conflict, you will have created more conflict in the future by making your wife feel disrespected.
Some untimeliness of communication is due to the fact that people are busy and not giving adequate attention to communication. They may mean to tell their spouse something and simply forget.
It is sometimes funny in church life to see how couples communicate with each other. If you want to invite a couple to be somewhere, you may need to know how they communicate. Some wives are the planners. If you get something on the wife’s calendar, you can count on the couple being there. Her husband may rely on his wife to tell him each day where is supposed to be and what he is supposed to do.
With other couples, you need to talk to each of them individually, because they don’t communicate very much with each other.
With still other couples, you can count on the fact that if you told one, you have communicated with both, because they communicate well with each other.
Thoroughness – Sometimes the important part of communication is in the details. If I tell my wife we are going out to eat, she will want to know where we are going and how she should dress. If I say I am going to be late getting home from work, she should know how late.
Very often a married couple will have differing interest in details. Some people are very flexible by nature and don’t need to know a lot of detail about plans. You will make your spouse feel respected if you give them the amount of detail they are interested in, not just the amount of detail you think is important. Your level of interest in the details of your finances may differ significantly between husband and wife. Show each other respect by discussing finances in a level of detail you are both comfortable with.
Depth – Our lives include some things that are of superficial importance and others that are the most important issues of our lives. Some couples do a fine job of communicating in all the superficial areas needed to keep the bills paid, the dishes done, and the lawn mowed. However, they may seldom talk about things that are of deeper significance. Getting beneath the surface and communicating about your dreams, your joys, your fears, and your hopes may take extra effort. It may not come naturally.
The next five chapters of this book are devoted to various aspects of communication.
Talk About It – How would you rate the kindness of your communication? The timeliness? The thoroughness? The depth?