Friday, April 17, 2009

29 – Communicating Love

Craig had been married for twelve years. He was doing well at work and was keeping the lawn mowed and the bills paid. He had been a little hard headed in the first years of marriage, but he thought he was becoming a much better husband. The kids were doing well and Craig was beginning to look down the road to think about what life would be like after the kids were grown and out of the house. One day he came home from work and his wife announced that she was unhappy and was leaving! Craig was completely blind-sided. He hadn’t seen this coming at all. His wife assured him that there wasn’t another man involved, but said she had been unhappy for a long time and finally decided to do something about it.
Who was at fault? Was it Craig for not knowing that his wife was unhappy? Or was it Craig’s wife for not making it known a lot earlier? They are both to blame. They can share the blame and they will both suffer the consequences. It’s not too late for them to nurture their marriage and make it work. One key ingredient they’ll need is to consistently communicate love to each other.
Speaking Each Other’s Language - One of our favorite books is The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Chapman says that we need to communicate love to each other, but that we often have different ways of expressing it and receiving it. He says that we need to communicate it in the way that it will be best understood by the person receiving it. He identifies five primary love languages.
· Words of Affirmation
· Gifts
· Quality Time
· Acts of Service
· Physical Touch
After reading his book, we have often met with couples and noticed that they were speaking two different languages. The conversations go something like this:
“I don’t know what she wants. I keep the house up. I help her with the dishes. I fixed her car last week.”
She responds, “But I can never get him to spend any time with me. He’s always too busy, and when he gets some free time, he wants to play golf or watch football.”
Can you see the languages being spoken? He thinks he is being a great husband because he values acts of service. She thinks he is falling short because she values quality time.
To communicate love in her language, he is going to need to give her quality time.
Chapman’s very readable book will sharpen your ability to communicate love.
I would never get much pleasure out of someone giving me flowers, and it wouldn’t naturally occur to me to give them. They seem impractical since they quickly lose their beauty and die. Shirley, however, loves flowers. I can communicate to her by bringing her flowers. When I do, I’m speaking her language.
If you consistently communicate love to each other, it will lead to a contentment and joy in your marriage that will sustain you in difficult times. Your love for each other should be something that financial troubles, sickness, or other hard times can’t take away from you. Knowing that my wife loves me unconditionally makes my home a place of refuge and a joy to come home to.
Work at communicating love to your spouse. Make sure that they know they are loved.
Daily Heart to Heart – It has amazed us sometimes to see the contrast in a couple when they come to us to do their wedding and the same couple a couple of years later when they are having marital problems. What is amazing is what they say about their communication. Prior to their wedding they may talk of how great their communication is. The same couple, two years later, may complain about how they have no communication. We believe the reason for this is that when people are approaching marriage, they are usually putting a lot of effort into their relationship. When they get married, their focus may change to their careers, their house, or a dozen other things. They still live in the same house and bump into each other every day, but they are not necessarily working on their relationship.
We recommend that every married couple take some time every single day to talk to each other about how they are feeling and what they are thinking. It doesn’t always need to be a long talk, but it should be consistent. Ask your spouse how they are doing and let them answer in as much detail as they choose. There may be times when one of you has a lot to say and there isn’t enough time then to say it. You will need to schedule another time to talk in more detail. If so, make this an important priority and don’t put it off for more than a few days. Your interest in your spouse’s thoughts and feelings will reassure them of your love for them.
Talk About It – Discuss with each other the things that most make you feel loved. What can you do to improve your communication of love to each other?

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