31 – Manipulation

Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. If you respect your spouse, you will want them to do what they do by choice, based on the truth, from a heart of love. You will, therefore, speak the truth in love. Trying to get them to do something by using unhealthy tactics is called manipulation. Manipulation is self-centered because it focuses on getting what you want without regard to the impact on your spouse. Manipulation includes:
· Lying – It was usually pretty funny when Lucy would lie to Ricky to cover up her latest scheme, but it didn’t add to a healthy marriage. If there is anything you are telling your spouse that isn’t true, it is going to create separation between the two of you and will make your spouse feel taken advantage of and hurt when the truth becomes known.
· Insulting – You should be committed to building your spouse up. You may think that you can get him or her to do what you want by insulting them, but you are damaging your relationship and discarding the unique opportunity you have to build your spouse up. You cannot build your spouse up while you are tearing them down.
· Violence – If you have become violent with your spouse, you need to ask God to change your heart. You have become so focused on having your way that you have resorted to something completely contrary to what you committed to when you married. You were given to each other to help each other. Violence in your marriage is damaging to the very heart of your relationship.
· Threatening – Physical violence has no place in a marriage. Neither do threats of violence. You should both agree that you are not going to use or threaten to use violence on each other.
· Nagging – You are nagging if you constantly repeat the same criticism and complaints. The Bible shows us that no one is going to want to live with a nag.
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. (Proverbs 19:13)
Find healthy ways to discuss the things that concern you and do not become a nag.
· Whining – This technique uses a pathetic sounding voice to complain to your spouse. If you have something constructive to say, say it without the drama.
· Shouting – Shouting at your spouse may seem like it gets their attention. However, it damages the mutual respect that is essential to healthy communication. If you need to take a short break to calm down before you can talk in a normal voice, that will be better than shouting at your spouse.
· Withdrawing – If you know you are about to lose your temper, walking out of the room may be a better option for a short while. However, staying withdrawn for any length of time is a form of manipulation. Some people will go into a quiet pout to try to manipulate their spouse. Refusing to talk, slamming the door behind you, hanging up on someone during a phone conversation, and withholding normal sexual relations are all forms of manipulation. We have spoken earlier about some circumstances in which separation may be appropriate. We don’t regard this as manipulation if it is done for a clear reason and the door is left open to reconciliation.
· Using Guilt – He says, “After I went to work all day to bring home money to feed the family, you can’t even show a little appreciation by cleaning the house.” She says, “After I went through the pain of childbirth, the least you could do is change a diaper occasionally.” You want to develop a relationship with your spouse where you both do things for each other out of love, not guilt. Using guilt may get you what you want for the moment, but it won’t change your spouse’s heart and it won’t create any positive long term results in your marriage.
· Using Unfavorable Comparisons With Someone Else – “My mother always had dinner ready by this hour.” “Jenny’s husband doesn’t care what time she comes in at night.” These kinds of comparisons are damaging to your relationship. You should make it your goal to put your spouse in a class by themselves, so you do not want to use these unhealthy comparisons.
Talk About It – Are there forms of manipulation that you have been using on each other? What are healthier ways you can express what you want?