26 – Leadership

In any endeavor involving more than one person, leadership is needed. If two people are moving a table, the leadership may be very subtle, but there will be leadership. Marriages need leadership. The Bible is straightforward in stating that God wants the man to lead:
Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3)
Many people have had a bad boss. That doesn’t mean that having a boss is a bad idea. If you have ever had a good boss, you probably found many reasons to appreciate him or her. God intended that there be a leader in marriage, the man. The fact that some men have done a bad job of it isn’t reason for throwing out the idea of having a leader in the home, or rejecting the idea that God wants the man to lead.
Women who feel threatened or angry at the idea of a man being head of the home have probably never seen a good example of a man leading his home. They may struggle with the command to wives.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
The Bible never commands men to demand submission from their wives. A man who tries to demand submission, will likely instigate more resistance. Or he may get submission, but only after destroying the mutual respect in his marriage. Instead the Bible tells men to honor and respect their wives and to love them as Jesus loved the church. The commands to submit are addressed to the wife. Women are told to do this, even if their husbands are not believers.
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. (1 Peter 3:1)
We believe that most women want to follow the leadership of their husband, but need to be convinced that their husband has the right heart for it. Men who demand respect seldom get it. Men who lead with patience, godliness, and diligence, will have the respect of their entire family, and usually their in-laws as well.
For the woman, submission doesn’t mean withholding your point of view. A woman needs to express her point of view. Her perspective is a God-given balance to her husband to help him see things from another angle. This is the reason God said the man needed help. Furthermore, the man is commanded to respect his wife. He won’t be able to truly do this unless he knows his wife’s thoughts and feelings so that he can respect them.
Submission doesn’t mean that a man makes all the decisions. A man who makes all the decisions is a poor leader. Here are some of the ways in which a good leader will benefit from the intelligence and gifts of those he leads.
Delegation – There are some decisions that should simply be delegated. There are many areas in our life in which Shirley simply knows more than I do, and the decision will be all hers. Arranging and decorating the house are examples for us. A leader who thinks he must make all the decisions has failed to understand the gifts and the abilities of those God gave him to lead.
Negotiation – Negotiation is finding a middle ground that takes into account the thoughts and feelings of both people. We spoke more about this in chapter 18. You can’t have a healthy marriage unless you value the thoughts and feelings of one another, even when you don’t understand or agree with what your spouse is thinking.
Allocation – Both the man and the wife should each have some parts of the house, some part of the budget, and some time in their week, that can be used at their own discretion. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that time or money can be used in a ways that trample on the other person’s feelings or treats them with disrespect.
Germination – While some decisions that can’t be put off, many can. For large decisions in particular, if you aren’t in agreement, it may be best to put off the decision for a while and keep praying. You may not be seeing the whole picture yet.
There will be times that you must make a decision when you aren’t in agreement, but if you have built a relationship based on mutual respect and thorough communications you will be able to work your way through these times without major difficulty.
Talk About It – How healthy is the man’s leadership in your home? How willing to follow is the woman in your home?