We have talked about the importance of mutual respect and negotiation in a healthy marriage. There will be times when you must confront a tough issue with your spouse, to sit down and seriously talk through something that you may not agree on. Here are some guidelines to healthy confrontation.
1. Speak privately – Sally thinks her man ought to have more self confidence and pursue a better job. She hasn’t mentioned this privately, but has brought it up twice in front of her husband at family gatherings. A man or woman who knows it is going to be hard to settle something in private with their spouse may be tempted to bring it up in front of others. They may hope that the agreement of others (or even their children) will provide added leverage to their opinion. They may think that the presence of others will keep their spouse from overreacting. Bringing up a tough issue in front of others will make your spouse feel disrespected and is a form of manipulation. Speak privately. If you can’t settle it between the two of you, get some help from someone you both respect, such as your pastor.
2. Be timely – If you have argued about something, you may both need some time to settle down, but don’t sweep it under the rug and forget about it. If you try to ignore the issue, it is likely to erupt again later. If you have a serious issue to talk about, it is usually best to make an appointment, with both of you knowing what you will be talking about. For example, suppose you are home all day upset that your husband hasn’t been spending enough time with you. You may be tempted to hit him with it when he walks in the door. Resist that temptation and ask if you can talk about it after dinner. Tell him you want to talk about how you each use your time, but don’t jump into the details right then. Wait until you can sit down and focus on it.
3. Deal with one issue – Sometimes people hold things in for a long time. When a serious talk (or a big argument) happens, they may feel it is open season to let loose everything they have been holding inside. This can quickly sidetrack and destroy a meaningful conversation. Don’t hold things in; talk about them. But when you have a serious conversation, stay on the topic. If you find yourself unleashing many things you have been holding in, it is a symptom that the communication in your marriage is not healthy. You are not spending enough time on communication, and you are building up a big backlog of things you need to talk about.
4. Deal with things that can be changed – You both need to recognize what you can change, what you need to accept, what you can find help with, and what you can only pray about. If you agree that you are not going to buy a house for a couple of years, don’t bring that up as a complaint.
5. Say only enough to make your point – If you keep on something after you have clearly made your point, you are being a nag. This will damage your ability to have serious conversations about things in the future.
6. Avoid sarcasm, overstatement, drama, emotion, and comparison with others – These are all manipulative techniques that people use to win arguments and get their way. If your goal is to settle an issue together in a way that preserves mutual respect, you will avoid these techniques.
7. Use word pictures if they clarify your point, but not if they exaggerate your point. Explain to your spouse how their behavior looks to you and how it makes you feel. Analogies and word pictures can be helpful, but keep them reasonable and fitting. For example, the prophet Nathan used a word picture to help David understand his irresponsible behavior in 2 Samuel 12:1-4.
8. Be specific and don’t generalize – If you start with a statement like, “You never spend any time with me,” the conversation is likely to get sidetracked from the beginning. Your spouse may say, “What are you talking about, don’t you remember last Saturday, we went shopping together?” If you start the conversation with a statement like, “I’d like for us to be able to spend more time doing things together,” the conversation is more likely to go in a positive direction.
9. Include compliments – If you want to talk about spending more time together, talk about times you have done things together that you really enjoyed. If you want to ask your spouse to do more work around the house, talk about your appreciation for the things he or she has done. This will help you take a balanced look at your concerns, because there will always be positive things you can compliment your spouse on. If you can only see the negative side of an issue, you aren’t looking at the whole picture.
1. Speak privately – Sally thinks her man ought to have more self confidence and pursue a better job. She hasn’t mentioned this privately, but has brought it up twice in front of her husband at family gatherings. A man or woman who knows it is going to be hard to settle something in private with their spouse may be tempted to bring it up in front of others. They may hope that the agreement of others (or even their children) will provide added leverage to their opinion. They may think that the presence of others will keep their spouse from overreacting. Bringing up a tough issue in front of others will make your spouse feel disrespected and is a form of manipulation. Speak privately. If you can’t settle it between the two of you, get some help from someone you both respect, such as your pastor.
2. Be timely – If you have argued about something, you may both need some time to settle down, but don’t sweep it under the rug and forget about it. If you try to ignore the issue, it is likely to erupt again later. If you have a serious issue to talk about, it is usually best to make an appointment, with both of you knowing what you will be talking about. For example, suppose you are home all day upset that your husband hasn’t been spending enough time with you. You may be tempted to hit him with it when he walks in the door. Resist that temptation and ask if you can talk about it after dinner. Tell him you want to talk about how you each use your time, but don’t jump into the details right then. Wait until you can sit down and focus on it.
3. Deal with one issue – Sometimes people hold things in for a long time. When a serious talk (or a big argument) happens, they may feel it is open season to let loose everything they have been holding inside. This can quickly sidetrack and destroy a meaningful conversation. Don’t hold things in; talk about them. But when you have a serious conversation, stay on the topic. If you find yourself unleashing many things you have been holding in, it is a symptom that the communication in your marriage is not healthy. You are not spending enough time on communication, and you are building up a big backlog of things you need to talk about.
4. Deal with things that can be changed – You both need to recognize what you can change, what you need to accept, what you can find help with, and what you can only pray about. If you agree that you are not going to buy a house for a couple of years, don’t bring that up as a complaint.
5. Say only enough to make your point – If you keep on something after you have clearly made your point, you are being a nag. This will damage your ability to have serious conversations about things in the future.
6. Avoid sarcasm, overstatement, drama, emotion, and comparison with others – These are all manipulative techniques that people use to win arguments and get their way. If your goal is to settle an issue together in a way that preserves mutual respect, you will avoid these techniques.
7. Use word pictures if they clarify your point, but not if they exaggerate your point. Explain to your spouse how their behavior looks to you and how it makes you feel. Analogies and word pictures can be helpful, but keep them reasonable and fitting. For example, the prophet Nathan used a word picture to help David understand his irresponsible behavior in 2 Samuel 12:1-4.
8. Be specific and don’t generalize – If you start with a statement like, “You never spend any time with me,” the conversation is likely to get sidetracked from the beginning. Your spouse may say, “What are you talking about, don’t you remember last Saturday, we went shopping together?” If you start the conversation with a statement like, “I’d like for us to be able to spend more time doing things together,” the conversation is more likely to go in a positive direction.
9. Include compliments – If you want to talk about spending more time together, talk about times you have done things together that you really enjoyed. If you want to ask your spouse to do more work around the house, talk about your appreciation for the things he or she has done. This will help you take a balanced look at your concerns, because there will always be positive things you can compliment your spouse on. If you can only see the negative side of an issue, you aren’t looking at the whole picture.
Talk About It – Talk about how free you feel to bring up something serious you want to talk about. How successful have you been at talking through serious issues? What do you need to do to become more successful?
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