38 – Margin

Healthy relationships need margin! If Shirley and I had a blanket that barely came to the edges of our bed, we would be pulling it off of each other all night. With a blanket that comes to the floor on each side of the bed, we have margin that assures we will both stay covered all night.
Margin in relationships is created when people are willing to do more than they must - do more work, show more mercy, communicate more, and exercise more patience.
A 50/50 relationship will break down into disagreements over tiny details. We will argue over where my 50 ends and your 50 starts. It will further break down in times of illness or difficulty, because someone won't be able to fulfill their 50%.
Jesus taught: If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. (Matthew 5:41) At the time Jesus made this statement, a Roman soldier could force a person to carry the soldier's belongings for one mile. During the first mile, a person was only doing what they had to. On the second mile, they were serving willingly. Going the second mile in a relationship will give it life and strength.
Here are some practical examples of going the second mile in a marriage, versus the way couples would behave in a 50/50 marriage.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - He usually mows the lawn, but has been particularly busy this week. The lawn needs to be mowed, so she mows it.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - She stays after him until he gets it mowed.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - They don’t usually go out to eat on weekdays, but this day she had a hard day and didn’t find time to prepare anything. He takes her out to dinner.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - He throws a fit when he finds that dinner isn’t ready, reminding her of how hard he works, and how little he expects of her.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - She usually cleans the house, but is feeling ill. He cleans the house.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - He complains that the house is dirty, reminding her that his mother always kept their house clean.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - He forgot to take out the trash and went to bed. She is still up and realizes he forgot. She takes out the trash for him.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - She wakes him up to tell him that he forgot to take out the trash.

Some people may be hesitant to go the second mile out of fear that it will become a pattern and that they will always be the one to be taken advantage of.
Most married couples are going to find, however, that the more they go the second mile, the more their spouse will do the same in other situations. The respect you show your spouse will come back to you on another day in another way. However, the positive impact you could have made from going the second mile can be cancelled out by one of the following.
Complaining – We can’t imagine that Jesus wanted us to go the second mile with the Roman soldier, complaining all the way, telling him how much we dislike the Roman government and how unfair he was asking us to carry his stuff in the first place. If you complain about the extra things you do, they will not convey respect.
Scorekeeping – If you do something extra for your spouse, don’t do it with an expectation that they now owe you one. Give freely and your spouse will feel respected and appreciative.
History Keeping – This is related to scorekeeping, but involves reminding your spouse of the times you have gone the extra mile. Let your spouse be the one to remind you of the kind things you have done.
Your marriage is not healthy if you don’t give each other margin and you are only willing to do your “fair” share. Your marriage is also unhealthy if you are keeping score of who has more frequently gone the second mile.
If only one of you knows how to go the second mile, it shows that your marriage is out of balance and you do not have healthy mutual respect. You need to discover why your marriage is out of balance.
Talk About It – Give each other examples of times you have appreciated your spouse going the second mile for you.