40 – The Long Haul

Marriage is meant to last for as long as a couple is both living. You will go through many changes and challenges during a marriage that lasts a lifetime. One of the keys to making a marriage last is to mature in your appreciation for each other. Consider how you handle your differences.
We might see a male/female relationship go through these stages of attitudes toward our differences.
Blindness - When a couple is newly infatuated with each other, they tend to overlook many differences. They think their differences are cute or assume they will be dealt with later.
Annoyance - One of the great reasons not to marry too soon is to let some of the infatuation wear off so you can make a better decision about marriage. You may find that your differences begin to wear on each other. It will now take more maturity to develop your relationship and more effort to find middle ground that you can both live with.
Acceptance - Life gets easier when you accept each other's personalities. It has always been more important to me than to Shirley to be on time when we go somewhere. It has always been more important to her to be completely prepared to go, even if it means being a little late. This was once a source of conflict and annoyance. In time, we learned to each accept what was important to the other. Through communication and negotiation we have found that we can work together and not be in conflict. I may tell her that I want to leave on a trip at 9:00, when I can really live with leaving at 10:00. If it is essential that we leave at 9:00 (or we will miss a flight, for example), we will talk about it more than once and I will ask her in advance what I can do to help her be on time.
Appreciation - I used to get annoyed at Shirley for being late when we left on a trip. She, in turn, would get annoyed at me when I would ask to borrow things she remembered to bring that I never would have thought of (fingernail clippers, chewing gum, lotion, etc.). I have learned to appreciate the thoroughness of her preparation. I think she has learned to appreciate my ability to plan a trip and know when we really need to leave.
You marriage will get sweeter if you can learn to appreciate your differences.
The Seasons in Your Marriage - There will be seasons in your marriage that each present new challenges to your marriage. Consider what you will need to do to navigate your way through these changes.
Children – Adding children to your home is a great blessing, but it comes with added challenges. You will have less time for each other and more demands on your energy and finances. Keep your relationship with each other strong during this time, by making time for each other. This will be the most important time in your marriage for keeping a date night. Work at keeping your family relationships sweet, so that your entire family can enjoy one another with a minimum of conflict.
Children Becoming Adolescents – You may find your adolescent children challenging your values and rebelling against your traditions. You will need a strong relationship with each other to maintain a positive approach to parenting your children. You may find it useful for the two of you to get away alone for an occasional weekend to strengthen your relationship with each other.
The Empty Nest – While you were raising your kids, you probably found meaning and purpose in parenting. When the kids leave home, you will need to find new direction. If you have nurtured a healthy marriage, you will enjoy the freedom of an empty nest. You will enjoy each other’s company and the ability to do things together that you may not have been able to do when you had a family to consider. If you are not enjoying the additional time with each other, that is a signal that you need to work at nurturing your relationship.
The Not So Empty Nest – Sometimes couples with grown children find themselves raising their grandchildren or providing a home for a grown child who may not have left or may have come back to the nest. This may place new demands on your strength and finances at a time when you were hoping to slow down. We’re sure that entire books could be written on some of the circumstances people face with their grown children and their grandchildren. We want to encourage you to maintain your relationship with your spouse, no matter what added challenges you may be facing with your offspring.
Retirement – Retirement can create a huge change in your use of time. Be sensitive to each other in the adjustments you must make during this time. If you have worked on your marriage, the additional time you have together will be a blessing.
End of Life Issues – We aren’t going to live forever on this earth in these bodies. We’re leaving one way or another. One of you may have to care for the other and make decisions for the other at the end of life. This won’t be easy, but it may give you a great opportunity to express your love for each other in practical ways.
Life is challenging, but a solid marriage will equip you for each of life’s seasons. Build your marriage, invest in each other, and walk through the long haul together.
Talk About It – What season of your marriage have you found most challenging so far? What do you expect to find most challenging in the future?

39 – Fresh Air

Sometimes people feel stuck. Stuck in the same old job that you don’t know how to get out of. Stuck in the same old house that you don’t feel like you can afford to move from. Stuck with the same old car that needs more repairs than you can afford. Stuck in a marriage that lost its spark a few years ago. Sometimes a person who feels stuck and restless will make foolish and destructive choices.
We were not designed to keep our nose to the grindstone day after day, year after year. We were designed to lie down and get a good night’s sleep each night. We were designed to take a day off from work each week, thank God for what He has done for us, and reflect on where He is leading us. We were designed to live in seasons, so that there is a rhythm to our lives that changes somewhat throughout the year. Relaxing, taking time off, and getting away from it all can take some faith that God can take care of us without our constant work.
The Bible warns us about working too hard and neglecting rest and relaxation.
In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for He grants sleep to those He loves. (Psalm 127:2)
Here are some suggestions for avoiding burning out and for keeping your marriage refreshed.
Sleep – Make a habit of winding down each night and getting a good night’s sleep. If at all possible, keep a similar schedule with your spouse. If your husband has to get up early and you make a habit of staying up late and sleeping late, you limit the amount of time you have for each other.
Time Together – Make whatever adjustments you must to your schedule to be able to spend time together every day. If you both working on different shifts, this may seem like it makes childcare easier, but it will take a toll on your marriage. Pray earnestly for God to change your circumstances or give you different jobs so that you have more time together.
Church – Make a family habit of going to church together each week. Find ways to make it a joy and not a burden or a lifeless duty. If you start this habit when your children are small and have a positive attitude yourselves, you will be likely to maintain this habit as your kids grow older. If you have a negative attitude and are critical of the church or its leadership, your children will wonder what is the point of going to church and will begin to rebel against the idea as they get older.
Date Night – Particularly if you have small children, you need to find a babysitter and go do something fun as a couple. It doesn’t need to be expensive. If you don’t feel you can afford a babysitter, arrange to exchange babysitting with another couple. Most couples that take the time for a weekly date night find their communication and appreciation for each other is greatly improved. Most of the couples we have ever met with who were having trouble in their marriage had been neglecting doing anything fun with just the two of them. Almost all of the couples we know that keep a regular date night are succeeding at marriage.
Vacation – Get out of town at least once a year as a family. Find ways to make your vacation something that everyone enjoys. A common mistake with vacations is cramming in too much activity, too much travel, and too much stress. People often joke about needing to get back to work to rest up from their vacation. Your vacation will often give you a fresh perspective on life and refresh your priorities. Choose a vacation that fits the whole family and that the family can enjoy doing together.
There can also be financial stresses during a vacation, as you and your family find many ways to spend money on food, gas, lodging, and activities. Plan with your spouse in advance what you plan to do and what it will cost. You won’t be able to take all the surprises out of the cost of a vacation, but you can certainly limit them. I have found that the more I can pay for in advance, the less concerned I am with the cost of a vacation.
If you are working with limited finances for a vacation, consider inexpensive alternatives such as camping.
If you are self employed, you may find it challenging to take a vacation because of the income you will give up for the time off you are taking. However, you need to regard a vacation as an investment in your family and your health. In the long run, you will be glad you took the time off.
Talk About It – What changes do you need to make in your daily, weekly, and yearly schedules to keep your marriage fresh.

38 – Margin

Healthy relationships need margin! If Shirley and I had a blanket that barely came to the edges of our bed, we would be pulling it off of each other all night. With a blanket that comes to the floor on each side of the bed, we have margin that assures we will both stay covered all night.
Margin in relationships is created when people are willing to do more than they must - do more work, show more mercy, communicate more, and exercise more patience.
A 50/50 relationship will break down into disagreements over tiny details. We will argue over where my 50 ends and your 50 starts. It will further break down in times of illness or difficulty, because someone won't be able to fulfill their 50%.
Jesus taught: If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. (Matthew 5:41) At the time Jesus made this statement, a Roman soldier could force a person to carry the soldier's belongings for one mile. During the first mile, a person was only doing what they had to. On the second mile, they were serving willingly. Going the second mile in a relationship will give it life and strength.
Here are some practical examples of going the second mile in a marriage, versus the way couples would behave in a 50/50 marriage.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - He usually mows the lawn, but has been particularly busy this week. The lawn needs to be mowed, so she mows it.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - She stays after him until he gets it mowed.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - They don’t usually go out to eat on weekdays, but this day she had a hard day and didn’t find time to prepare anything. He takes her out to dinner.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - He throws a fit when he finds that dinner isn’t ready, reminding her of how hard he works, and how little he expects of her.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - She usually cleans the house, but is feeling ill. He cleans the house.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - He complains that the house is dirty, reminding her that his mother always kept their house clean.

A MARRIAGE WITH MARGIN - He forgot to take out the trash and went to bed. She is still up and realizes he forgot. She takes out the trash for him.

A 50/50 MARRIAGE - She wakes him up to tell him that he forgot to take out the trash.

Some people may be hesitant to go the second mile out of fear that it will become a pattern and that they will always be the one to be taken advantage of.
Most married couples are going to find, however, that the more they go the second mile, the more their spouse will do the same in other situations. The respect you show your spouse will come back to you on another day in another way. However, the positive impact you could have made from going the second mile can be cancelled out by one of the following.
Complaining – We can’t imagine that Jesus wanted us to go the second mile with the Roman soldier, complaining all the way, telling him how much we dislike the Roman government and how unfair he was asking us to carry his stuff in the first place. If you complain about the extra things you do, they will not convey respect.
Scorekeeping – If you do something extra for your spouse, don’t do it with an expectation that they now owe you one. Give freely and your spouse will feel respected and appreciative.
History Keeping – This is related to scorekeeping, but involves reminding your spouse of the times you have gone the extra mile. Let your spouse be the one to remind you of the kind things you have done.
Your marriage is not healthy if you don’t give each other margin and you are only willing to do your “fair” share. Your marriage is also unhealthy if you are keeping score of who has more frequently gone the second mile.
If only one of you knows how to go the second mile, it shows that your marriage is out of balance and you do not have healthy mutual respect. You need to discover why your marriage is out of balance.
Talk About It – Give each other examples of times you have appreciated your spouse going the second mile for you.

37 – Parenting Adolescents

When your children hit adolescence, you are going to have to face some facts:
· Your children are likely to increase their interest in the company and approval of peers. Your influence on their lives may seem to decrease.
· Your children will go through physical changes that are hard for them to deal with.
· Your children are racing toward an age at which God intended for them to make their own decisions. They need your continued guidance through their teen years, but you must begin to let them go. If you try to control them as they become adults, the result will be unhealthy.
Raising teenagers can be fun, but can also be very challenging. Here are some keys to the process.
· Pray a lot and leave the ultimate result to God.
· Pick your battles carefully. Your children are going to have opinions and interests that are different from yours and most of these aren’t worth fighting over. We believe that many parents enter into unnecessary conflict with their teenage children because they feel threatened by the fact that their children are expressing new opinions and don’t necessarily take the parents views at face value as they once did. You need a short list of values that cannot be compromised, but a much longer list of opinions and ideas that are open to discussion and negotiation.
· Stay involved. Because your children’s interests are changing, it will take work and attention on your part to remain a meaningful part of their lives. If you make it a priority, you can find things that the whole family enjoys doing together. If you establish a commitment to going to church together when your children are young and you have a positive attitude toward your church, you will be able to maintain this as a family activity through your child’s teenage years.
· Work to maintain trust. Your teenage children may lie to you, but they are less likely to if you have made a practice of speaking the truth to them. They are also more likely to be trustworthy if they know you trust them. When your children violate your trust, you need to work to reestablish trust. This will require forgiving them for what they did and not bringing it up in times of conflict.
For your children to maintain sexual purity, they are going to need four things from you.
· Teaching the reasons for waiting for marriage to have sex. The church can help with this, but your children need to hear it from you. They need to hear it in the informal day to day situations that Deuteronomy 6 speaks of.
· An example of marriage that they can see is worth waiting for. If you tell them that they need to wait for marriage, but the only marriages they are familiar with are plagued with conflict, it will be hard for them to see what they are waiting for. If your marriage has failed, you need to see that your children are involved in a church, or are connected with relatives, where they can see some successful marriages.
· Some boundaries and expectations. Examples of boundaries might include, not letting your children date when they are too young, not allowing them to have a member of the opposite sex alone with them in the house, etc. These limits will ultimately fail, though, if you don’t give your children the teaching and example described above. You can’t give your children enough supervision to stop them from immorality if they don’t have it in their heart to avoid it.
· Lots of prayer.
Talk About It – If you have, or will soon have, adolescent children, talk about your attitudes toward staying involved in their lives while letting them go as they grow up. What do you need to do to improve your relationships with your teenage children?

36 – Parenting Little Kids

This topic of parenting small children is well worth entire books, and many good books have been written on the subject. Our purpose in including a short chapter on the subject is to share a few key thoughts that we consider very important. These principles apply to the first 10 or 12 years of your child’s life. The next chapter talks about some of the changes in parenting style you will need as your children enter adolescence.
Learning Mutual Respect - Your small children need to learn from you that they are important and that they are loved. They also need to learn from you that others are important and should be treated with respect. You are going to lay the foundation for your children’s future relationships in the way you treat them. If on the one hand, you crush the interests and expressions of your children, you will leave them with a fractured sense of their own worth, and they will have trouble relating with others. On the other hand, if your entire lives center on your children, they will be selfish little rascals and will have trouble valuing the interests of others. This will leave them with a damaged ability to have meaningful relationships with others.
If their feelings are never considered, they will not know how to expect respect. If their feelings are always given top priority, they will not know how to give respect to others. Mutual respect is crucial to marriage and many other relationships throughout your child’s life. They should learn mutual respect in childhood.
Learning Genuine Faith - You will have the primary opportunity to instill faith in Christ and godly values in your children. The Bible instructs us:
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)
This passage shows us that to be qualified as a parent, you first need to love God and have His commandments on your heart. You then impress them on your children in the day to day activities of life. There is little hope of impressing anything on your children that you don’t first have on your own heart. Your children will easily be able to see what you really believe. Your words will be empty if they don’t agree with your actions.
Time Together - To have the teaching opportunities that Deuteronomy 6 talks about, you are going to have to do things as a family. The ideal environment for raising children has been defined by researchers as
an enduring two parent family that engages regularly in activities together, has developed its own routines, traditions and stories, has minimal conflict, and provides a great deal of contact time between adults and children.
Being a Healthy Parent - To be a good parent, you first need to have a healthy understanding of who you are. Weaknesses in your own character will show up in the way you treat your children.
Unfulfilled - If you feel unfulfilled you may try to live your life through your children, hoping that they will accomplish the things you only dreamed about. You may put unreasonable expectations on them that make their lives miserable. It is natural and healthy to want your children to go beyond where you have gone, but not to insist that they fulfill your dreams. They will have dreams of their own. The Bible compares children to arrows.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. (Psalm 127:4)
Warriors don’t shoot arrows at their own feet. They shoot them at places they haven’t been yet. But to shoot them you have to let go. Your children need to be allowed to become who God intended them to be. We will say more about letting go of your children in the next chapter.
Desperate for Approval - If you are desperate for your children’s approval, you may be too permissive with your children and raise them to ignore boundaries. To be a good parent, there will be times you must tell your children what they don’t want to hear. You are going to have to tell them “no” some of the time. Particularly when your children are small, they need you to set boundaries.
Fear of Embarrassment - If you fear embarrassment or failure, you may react harshly to your children when they inevitably do something embarrassing or they fail at something. You will likely pass onto your children your fear of embarrassment.
Balance - If you love God, know that He loves you, and enjoy life while considering others, you will have the balance you need to be a good parent. If you find that there is unhealthiness in you that hinders your ability to be a good parent, talk honestly with your spouse about it. Work on it together. Ask God to bring growth to your life.
Talk About It – Are you spending enough time with your children to instill faith and character in them? Are you giving them a balanced sense of their own interests and the interests of others?

35 – Running the Whole Race

A distance runner doesn’t consider himself successful until he crosses the finish line. No one would say that they have had a successful marriage unless they have stayed married and have done well as long as they both live. 20 years of successful marriage, followed by a divorce, is not a successful marriage. It is a failed marriage.
To finish well in your marriage, you will have to work at it.
Warning Signs – Marriages seldom fail abruptly. There are usually warning signs that tell you something needs attention. If your car starts to wobble when you drive it, you know that something needs to be fixed. If you ignore the signs and keep driving, the problem is very unlikely to correct itself. If you feel like you are drifting apart from your spouse, it is probably because you are drifting apart from your spouse. It is time to recommit yourself to working at the things that nurture marriage.
First Things First – As we have mentioned, sometimes times get tough. Any marriage that lasts will have to go through these tough times. However, sometimes couples will confuse life’s normal challenges with unusual circumstances. They may develop habits that aren’t healthy, but justify them by thinking that they are only going to live like this until life settles down. They may tell themselves they are going to start doing the things that will improve their marriage when they get around to it, but that life is just too busy right now. Maybe next year when the kids are a little older we’ll start having a date night. Maybe when we get a few bills paid off, I can cut back on my work schedule and we can have more family time.
Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. (Ecclesiastes 11:4)
Planting and reaping are the two most essential actions if you hope to live off of what the land produces. The verse above shows that someone who is waiting for perfect conditions will foolishly neglect these actions. There are very few days with no wind. If you are going to plant, you will probably have to tolerate a little wind. Most days have a few clouds. You will need to reap and not wait for a forecast of 0% chance of rain.
There are essential actions you need to take to nurture your marriage. You will never have perfect conditions. There will always be other things competing for your attention. Don’t fail to spend time together and don’t fail to work at effective communication.
Marriages sometimes die of neglect while couples are giving their attention to things that are ultimately much less important.
Renewal – Marriages sometimes lose their spark and can benefit from renewal. Many couples, particularly those with children at home, have found a vacation for just the two of them brings a fresh joy in their marriage. A friend of ours had been a mother for about 15 years. She and her husband had taken regular vacations with their family, but hadn’t been away as a couple without the children for a long time. They spent just a few days away and found a new spark in their relationship. She said, “I’d forgotten how much I really like this person I married.”
If you have children at home, arranging a vacation for just the two of you may seem too complicated and too expensive. However, refreshing your marriage will have lasting value. We expect that you will find that the effort and expense you put into getting away as a couple will be well worth it.
Other couples have found renewal in a marriage retreat or seminar. We have seen some couples experience a great change in their marriage after only a weekend away at a marriage retreat.
Counseling – If you are having trouble making your marriage healthy, you may want to consider some marriage counseling. Many people, especially men, will shy away from counseling because they feel like they are admitting defeat at something they should be able to succeed at. Don’t look at marriage counseling as defeat. People often turn to coaches to help them improve at something. Even the greatest golfers in the world have coaches who work with them.
If you are going to go to a counselor, find someone who will treat both of you with respect and will treat marriage with respect. A woman going to a counselor who dislikes men or a man going to a counselor who dislikes women, is not likely to find any help in building their marriage. We had a friend who was having marital troubles. She went to a counselor who listened to one side of the story (the wife’s), offered a label for her husband’s behavior, and told her the only thing she could do to solve her problems was to leave her husband. This was not helpful counseling.
Find someone who is not interested in making you dependent on them. Some people make their living counseling and wouldn’t mind having you come to see them regularly for a long time. They wouldn’t mind having you feel like you could never get by without them, as long as you are a paying customer. Look for someone who wants to coach you to success in your marriage.
If you are considering marriage counseling, we’d suggest you begin by making an appointment with your pastor, or a staff member at your church who offers pastoral counseling.
Talk About It – Are you doing the things that will keep your marriage successful over your lifetime? Are there things you are neglecting?

34 – Bring Happiness

War was serious business in Old Testament Israel. But God didn’t want war to get in the way of happy marriages. Able bodied men were expected to show up when the country needed to be defended, but there was one exception.
If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. (Deuteronomy 24:5)
There are three important conclusions that we can draw from this verse.
· God values happy marriages. He wouldn’t have put such a high priority on men staying home if happy marriages weren’t essential to the health of the nation. He wants you to have a happy marriage.
· Happy marriages take some time and effort. That’s the reason the men needed to be given time at home. No one is likely to give you a year off, but you are going to have to work at having a happy marriage, and
· Mere mortals can figure out how to have a happy marriage. The verse implies that if the man is given the chance, he can bring happiness. Don’t imagine that a happy home is beyond your reach. You can do this!
We’ve said earlier that if you make your own happiness a primary goal, you won’t be happy. However, making your spouse and family happy is a worthy goal, and you will find that this will make you happy in the process.
If you want to make your spouse and family happy, you need to take a positive attitude toward life yourself and bring encouragement, joy, and optimism, when you speak to them. If you are a generally negative person, you need to ask God to change your heart. God has transformed angry, negative people into joyful, positive people. Life always has it challenges and difficult times. The joy that the Lord gives is stronger, though, than life’s troubling circumstances. Peter wrote:
Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:8-9)
Peter believed that faith in Jesus produced a great joy that overshadows everything else in life. Paul did too. Even though he faced some very tough times, he wrote:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)
We’re not asking you to fake a positive attitude around your family. We’re asking you to choose a positive attitude, and if you don’t know how, ask God to work in your heart to give you the “inexpressible and glorious joy” that Peter wrote about.
Here are simple things you can do to bring a positive, happy attitude into your home.
· Thank your spouse for things that they do. Don’t worry about saying “Thank you” too many times. Your spouse won’t get tired of it.
· Give your spouse and children encouragement and compliments. Tell them that you love them.
· If you have something you need to talk about that is negative, include a positive side to it as well. For example, if you are unhappy that your husband has been coming home late from work without calling you, tell him you appreciate his hard work, but would like for him to call if he isn’t going to be home when you expect him.
· Don’t complain about life. Paul wrote:
Do everything without complaining or arguing. (Philippians 2:14)
· Give thanks to God for your home, your family, and everything you have. Paul also wrote:
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
· Find things to do with your spouse and family that you all enjoy. As your children get older their interests will change, but if you work at it, you can find things that you all enjoy.
· Develop a sense of humor.
Some people seem only to convey to their family that life is hard, times are tough, and there is no reason to smile. They seem to think that an adult’s job is to keep everyone’s nose to the grindstone. Don’t let this attitude prevail in your home. Make your home a place of happiness that you all enjoy.
Talk About It – What can you do to increase the happiness in your home? Do you have the joy that the Bible talks about? If not, why not?

33 – Write it Down

This chapter describes a simple exercise to improve communication in your marriage. Here’s how it works:
1. Choose a simple topic that you each have significant feelings about.
2. Each of you write about it, separately, but at the same time.
3. Exchange papers.
4. Read what your spouse wrote.
5. Talk about it.
This exercise is a way to foster communication about your feelings. It has the advantage of allowing each of you to think clearly, without interruption, while you are writing. You will then have the opportunity to get your spouse’s feelings, uninterrupted, while you are reading. Your discussion afterward will increase your understanding of each other.
We have found this simple exercise increases our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate. For example, one time we wrote down the five most satisfying experiences each of us had in the last five years. I was shocked to find two items on Shirley’s list were improvements we had made in our home. I think home improvement is fine, but until our little writing exercise I didn’t know how important it was to Shirley.
Make sure that when you begin this exercise, you have enough time for it. When you start writing, it may take you a little while. When you start talking, you may find that there is a lot to talk about.
As you write, try to express your feelings. Don’t accuse or complain. Just explain the way you feel. For example, “You don’t spend enough time with me,” is a complaint. On the other hand, “I enjoy the time we spend together and often wish we would make more time to spend together,” expresses feelings.
When you read what your spouse has written, make your primary goal understanding your spouse’s feelings. If you read something that sounds like an accusation or that expresses some disappointment in you, don’t become defensive. If you read something that sounds like a problem, don’t try to jump to the conclusion. You can discuss solutions to problems after you have fully understood each other’s feelings.
We wouldn’t recommend this exercise as a means of dealing with major conflict or topics that need urgent attention. This exercise will work best when your minds are relatively clear, you are in a reasonably good mood, and you are not feeling defensive or troubled about your marriage.
This exercise may be particularly useful when you take a trip out of town without children and have extended time together.
We hope this exercise gives you some new understanding of each other and deepens your communication. We aren’t looking at this exercise as a method of unleashing a huge backlog of feelings you have been holding inside for years. If this happens, it is a clear symptom that the communication in your marriage has been inadequate and that you need to devote much more effort to healthy communication.
Something to Write About – Here are some topics you might find useful, but don’t be limited by this list. Think of your own topics that interest you both.
· What are your three favorite memories you have of doing something together?
· Describe what you would like to see happen in the next five years?
· When have you felt closest to God? Why?
· What three people have had the most important positive influence in your life?
· If you were to write a book, what would it be about?
· If you could do one thing to help other people, and you had all the time, training, and money you needed to do it, what would it be?
· If you could go one place, anywhere in the world, on vacation, where would it be?
Talk About It – Are you interested in giving this exercise a try? When would be the best time for you to try it?

32 – Confrontation

We have talked about the importance of mutual respect and negotiation in a healthy marriage. There will be times when you must confront a tough issue with your spouse, to sit down and seriously talk through something that you may not agree on. Here are some guidelines to healthy confrontation.
1. Speak privately – Sally thinks her man ought to have more self confidence and pursue a better job. She hasn’t mentioned this privately, but has brought it up twice in front of her husband at family gatherings. A man or woman who knows it is going to be hard to settle something in private with their spouse may be tempted to bring it up in front of others. They may hope that the agreement of others (or even their children) will provide added leverage to their opinion. They may think that the presence of others will keep their spouse from overreacting. Bringing up a tough issue in front of others will make your spouse feel disrespected and is a form of manipulation. Speak privately. If you can’t settle it between the two of you, get some help from someone you both respect, such as your pastor.
2. Be timely – If you have argued about something, you may both need some time to settle down, but don’t sweep it under the rug and forget about it. If you try to ignore the issue, it is likely to erupt again later. If you have a serious issue to talk about, it is usually best to make an appointment, with both of you knowing what you will be talking about. For example, suppose you are home all day upset that your husband hasn’t been spending enough time with you. You may be tempted to hit him with it when he walks in the door. Resist that temptation and ask if you can talk about it after dinner. Tell him you want to talk about how you each use your time, but don’t jump into the details right then. Wait until you can sit down and focus on it.
3. Deal with one issue – Sometimes people hold things in for a long time. When a serious talk (or a big argument) happens, they may feel it is open season to let loose everything they have been holding inside. This can quickly sidetrack and destroy a meaningful conversation. Don’t hold things in; talk about them. But when you have a serious conversation, stay on the topic. If you find yourself unleashing many things you have been holding in, it is a symptom that the communication in your marriage is not healthy. You are not spending enough time on communication, and you are building up a big backlog of things you need to talk about.
4. Deal with things that can be changed – You both need to recognize what you can change, what you need to accept, what you can find help with, and what you can only pray about. If you agree that you are not going to buy a house for a couple of years, don’t bring that up as a complaint.
5. Say only enough to make your point – If you keep on something after you have clearly made your point, you are being a nag. This will damage your ability to have serious conversations about things in the future.
6. Avoid sarcasm, overstatement, drama, emotion, and comparison with others – These are all manipulative techniques that people use to win arguments and get their way. If your goal is to settle an issue together in a way that preserves mutual respect, you will avoid these techniques.
7. Use word pictures if they clarify your point, but not if they exaggerate your point. Explain to your spouse how their behavior looks to you and how it makes you feel. Analogies and word pictures can be helpful, but keep them reasonable and fitting. For example, the prophet Nathan used a word picture to help David understand his irresponsible behavior in 2 Samuel 12:1-4.
8. Be specific and don’t generalize – If you start with a statement like, “You never spend any time with me,” the conversation is likely to get sidetracked from the beginning. Your spouse may say, “What are you talking about, don’t you remember last Saturday, we went shopping together?” If you start the conversation with a statement like, “I’d like for us to be able to spend more time doing things together,” the conversation is more likely to go in a positive direction.
9. Include compliments – If you want to talk about spending more time together, talk about times you have done things together that you really enjoyed. If you want to ask your spouse to do more work around the house, talk about your appreciation for the things he or she has done. This will help you take a balanced look at your concerns, because there will always be positive things you can compliment your spouse on. If you can only see the negative side of an issue, you aren’t looking at the whole picture.

Talk About It – Talk about how free you feel to bring up something serious you want to talk about. How successful have you been at talking through serious issues? What do you need to do to become more successful?

31 – Manipulation

Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. If you respect your spouse, you will want them to do what they do by choice, based on the truth, from a heart of love. You will, therefore, speak the truth in love. Trying to get them to do something by using unhealthy tactics is called manipulation. Manipulation is self-centered because it focuses on getting what you want without regard to the impact on your spouse. Manipulation includes:
· Lying – It was usually pretty funny when Lucy would lie to Ricky to cover up her latest scheme, but it didn’t add to a healthy marriage. If there is anything you are telling your spouse that isn’t true, it is going to create separation between the two of you and will make your spouse feel taken advantage of and hurt when the truth becomes known.
· Insulting – You should be committed to building your spouse up. You may think that you can get him or her to do what you want by insulting them, but you are damaging your relationship and discarding the unique opportunity you have to build your spouse up. You cannot build your spouse up while you are tearing them down.
· Violence – If you have become violent with your spouse, you need to ask God to change your heart. You have become so focused on having your way that you have resorted to something completely contrary to what you committed to when you married. You were given to each other to help each other. Violence in your marriage is damaging to the very heart of your relationship.
· Threatening – Physical violence has no place in a marriage. Neither do threats of violence. You should both agree that you are not going to use or threaten to use violence on each other.
· Nagging – You are nagging if you constantly repeat the same criticism and complaints. The Bible shows us that no one is going to want to live with a nag.
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. (Proverbs 19:13)
Find healthy ways to discuss the things that concern you and do not become a nag.
· Whining – This technique uses a pathetic sounding voice to complain to your spouse. If you have something constructive to say, say it without the drama.
· Shouting – Shouting at your spouse may seem like it gets their attention. However, it damages the mutual respect that is essential to healthy communication. If you need to take a short break to calm down before you can talk in a normal voice, that will be better than shouting at your spouse.
· Withdrawing – If you know you are about to lose your temper, walking out of the room may be a better option for a short while. However, staying withdrawn for any length of time is a form of manipulation. Some people will go into a quiet pout to try to manipulate their spouse. Refusing to talk, slamming the door behind you, hanging up on someone during a phone conversation, and withholding normal sexual relations are all forms of manipulation. We have spoken earlier about some circumstances in which separation may be appropriate. We don’t regard this as manipulation if it is done for a clear reason and the door is left open to reconciliation.
· Using Guilt – He says, “After I went to work all day to bring home money to feed the family, you can’t even show a little appreciation by cleaning the house.” She says, “After I went through the pain of childbirth, the least you could do is change a diaper occasionally.” You want to develop a relationship with your spouse where you both do things for each other out of love, not guilt. Using guilt may get you what you want for the moment, but it won’t change your spouse’s heart and it won’t create any positive long term results in your marriage.
· Using Unfavorable Comparisons With Someone Else – “My mother always had dinner ready by this hour.” “Jenny’s husband doesn’t care what time she comes in at night.” These kinds of comparisons are damaging to your relationship. You should make it your goal to put your spouse in a class by themselves, so you do not want to use these unhealthy comparisons.
Talk About It – Are there forms of manipulation that you have been using on each other? What are healthier ways you can express what you want?

30 – Communicating Little Stuff

Details, Details - A good relationship requires good communication of day to day stuff. What time will you be here? What do you want for dinner? How long will your car be in the shop?
In the many years we have been married, some of our crabbiest days have been on days off. If I was working Monday through Friday, Shirley would begin to compile a mental list of things she wanted me to do or things she wanted us to do together on Saturday. Of course, I had a mental list of my own, that began with sleeping late. The problem would come when we failed to communicate our expectations. We each had at least 10 hours of expectations crammed into 12 hours of daytime. We could have done everything on her list, or we could have done everything on my list. We just couldn’t do both. A short talk, sometime during the week, about what we had planned for Saturday would have eased the tension that seemed to mount during the morning on Saturday when we discovered we were not on the same page.
There is no great skill required in telling someone what time you will show up or what you have planned for Saturday. If you respect each other you will inform each other of the things that are going to have an impact on your daily lives. Perhaps there are a few reasons, though, that keep people from communicating the little details.
· Past conflicts make some people “gun shy” about communication. If we had a big fight the last time I brought up the fact I was going golfing, maybe it would be easier to just slip out and go without saying anything. The problem, of course, in this approach is that it increases conflict and tension in a marriage.
· Some people may be so wrapped up in their own thoughts and needs that they simply fail to think about how their plans impact their spouse. When you are married, you are no longer two but one, and you must think about how your plans impact your partner.
· Some people, especially the newly married, may feel like it’s demeaning or unnecessary to discuss their plans with another person. They may have struggled with their parents for independence when they were teenagers and now feel that grownups don’t have to discuss their plans with others. If you have this attitude, you need to drop it and recognize that good communication is essential to a healthy marriage. You cannot make your spouse feel respected while leaving him or her in the dark about your plans that impact their life.
We have met with couples that were crying out for better communication in the details of their lives. One or both of them felt disrespected because of the things they weren’t told. Sometimes, though, one or both felt like having to tell their spouse what they had planned was a form of imprisonment. Being married involves becoming one and you need to share with each other these little details.
You may need to look at the calendar together once or twice a week to see what you have planned for the next few days. Taking just a few moments to do that may pay for itself many times over during the week. You may spend two minutes eliminating some conflict that would have taken you two hours to fix later. You will find that your life is more in order, and your appreciation and understanding of each other is greater.
If you are going to get home later than expected, give your spouse a phone call. We have so many methods of communication available today, there is no excuse for failing to communicate.
If you have committed to do something with your spouse, take that commitment very seriously. Don’t let something else get in the way without discussing it with your spouse. Once I had told Shirley I would watch our children while she got her hair done on a Saturday. The commitment seemed like a small thing to me. So when one of the guys called to ask me to go play basketball, I said I would without discussing it with Shirley. This was much more upsetting to her than I expected. I would have been much better off watching Shirley getting her hair done, because I ended up on crutches with a bad ankle sprain. (I did it playing basketball, Shirley didn’t do it.)
Some couples who find it hard to communicate about the details of life, may distance themselves from each other to make it seem as though their lives are in order. They may each eat by themselves, each pursue their own interests, go to bed and get up alone without communication. They may find themselves living in two separate worlds where they only accidently bump into each other. This isolation may reduce the conflict they once had, but it falls very short of the plan God had for marriage when He talked about two becoming one.
Talk About It – How can you improve your communication of the details of your life? Would you benefit from a weekly discussion of what you have planned for the coming week?

29 – Communicating Love

Craig had been married for twelve years. He was doing well at work and was keeping the lawn mowed and the bills paid. He had been a little hard headed in the first years of marriage, but he thought he was becoming a much better husband. The kids were doing well and Craig was beginning to look down the road to think about what life would be like after the kids were grown and out of the house. One day he came home from work and his wife announced that she was unhappy and was leaving! Craig was completely blind-sided. He hadn’t seen this coming at all. His wife assured him that there wasn’t another man involved, but said she had been unhappy for a long time and finally decided to do something about it.
Who was at fault? Was it Craig for not knowing that his wife was unhappy? Or was it Craig’s wife for not making it known a lot earlier? They are both to blame. They can share the blame and they will both suffer the consequences. It’s not too late for them to nurture their marriage and make it work. One key ingredient they’ll need is to consistently communicate love to each other.
Speaking Each Other’s Language - One of our favorite books is The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Chapman says that we need to communicate love to each other, but that we often have different ways of expressing it and receiving it. He says that we need to communicate it in the way that it will be best understood by the person receiving it. He identifies five primary love languages.
· Words of Affirmation
· Gifts
· Quality Time
· Acts of Service
· Physical Touch
After reading his book, we have often met with couples and noticed that they were speaking two different languages. The conversations go something like this:
“I don’t know what she wants. I keep the house up. I help her with the dishes. I fixed her car last week.”
She responds, “But I can never get him to spend any time with me. He’s always too busy, and when he gets some free time, he wants to play golf or watch football.”
Can you see the languages being spoken? He thinks he is being a great husband because he values acts of service. She thinks he is falling short because she values quality time.
To communicate love in her language, he is going to need to give her quality time.
Chapman’s very readable book will sharpen your ability to communicate love.
I would never get much pleasure out of someone giving me flowers, and it wouldn’t naturally occur to me to give them. They seem impractical since they quickly lose their beauty and die. Shirley, however, loves flowers. I can communicate to her by bringing her flowers. When I do, I’m speaking her language.
If you consistently communicate love to each other, it will lead to a contentment and joy in your marriage that will sustain you in difficult times. Your love for each other should be something that financial troubles, sickness, or other hard times can’t take away from you. Knowing that my wife loves me unconditionally makes my home a place of refuge and a joy to come home to.
Work at communicating love to your spouse. Make sure that they know they are loved.
Daily Heart to Heart – It has amazed us sometimes to see the contrast in a couple when they come to us to do their wedding and the same couple a couple of years later when they are having marital problems. What is amazing is what they say about their communication. Prior to their wedding they may talk of how great their communication is. The same couple, two years later, may complain about how they have no communication. We believe the reason for this is that when people are approaching marriage, they are usually putting a lot of effort into their relationship. When they get married, their focus may change to their careers, their house, or a dozen other things. They still live in the same house and bump into each other every day, but they are not necessarily working on their relationship.
We recommend that every married couple take some time every single day to talk to each other about how they are feeling and what they are thinking. It doesn’t always need to be a long talk, but it should be consistent. Ask your spouse how they are doing and let them answer in as much detail as they choose. There may be times when one of you has a lot to say and there isn’t enough time then to say it. You will need to schedule another time to talk in more detail. If so, make this an important priority and don’t put it off for more than a few days. Your interest in your spouse’s thoughts and feelings will reassure them of your love for them.
Talk About It – Discuss with each other the things that most make you feel loved. What can you do to improve your communication of love to each other?

28 – Communication

Communication is like oil in an engine. The engine runs smoothly with it, but breaks without it. Good communication is closely related to mutual respect. If you respect each other, you are going to care enough to communicate with each other. If your communication is weak, your respect for your spouse will make you want to work to improve it.
Good communication takes deliberate effort. You need to work at keeping communication healthy in your marriage.
You can measure the health of your communication in these four ways:
Kindness – You can choose the tone you use when you speak to one another. Your tone will help determine whether your words are helpful or harmful.
An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. (Proverbs 12:25)
Too many couples have the bad habit of escalating harshness. That is, if someone’s spouse speaks harshly to them, they want to speak back even more harshly. This practice causes some couples to allow some small difference to explode into a major fight. Shirley and I have frequently met with couples who had a major fight over some very small incident. The only reason that it became major was that they each chose to respond to harshness with greater harshness. The Bible teaches us to do just the opposite.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
We learn from the Bible that we have a natural problem with our tongue.
All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (James 3:7-8)
If we are going to speak a kind word, we need God’s help to tame the tongue. If you have a habit of speaking harshly to your spouse or family, ask God to give you a kind tongue.
Timeliness – For some things, when you say something is as important as what you say. If something is going to impact your life and I respect you, I’m going to want you to know about it in advance.
Suppose your parents are planning to visit on Saturday. You know that your wife is uncomfortable around your parents and might give you a negative reaction if you tell her what’s planned. If you respect her, you are going to tell her in advance. If you choose to spring it on her at the last minute to avoid conflict, you will have created more conflict in the future by making your wife feel disrespected.
Some untimeliness of communication is due to the fact that people are busy and not giving adequate attention to communication. They may mean to tell their spouse something and simply forget.
It is sometimes funny in church life to see how couples communicate with each other. If you want to invite a couple to be somewhere, you may need to know how they communicate. Some wives are the planners. If you get something on the wife’s calendar, you can count on the couple being there. Her husband may rely on his wife to tell him each day where is supposed to be and what he is supposed to do.
With other couples, you need to talk to each of them individually, because they don’t communicate very much with each other.
With still other couples, you can count on the fact that if you told one, you have communicated with both, because they communicate well with each other.
Thoroughness – Sometimes the important part of communication is in the details. If I tell my wife we are going out to eat, she will want to know where we are going and how she should dress. If I say I am going to be late getting home from work, she should know how late.
Very often a married couple will have differing interest in details. Some people are very flexible by nature and don’t need to know a lot of detail about plans. You will make your spouse feel respected if you give them the amount of detail they are interested in, not just the amount of detail you think is important. Your level of interest in the details of your finances may differ significantly between husband and wife. Show each other respect by discussing finances in a level of detail you are both comfortable with.
Depth – Our lives include some things that are of superficial importance and others that are the most important issues of our lives. Some couples do a fine job of communicating in all the superficial areas needed to keep the bills paid, the dishes done, and the lawn mowed. However, they may seldom talk about things that are of deeper significance. Getting beneath the surface and communicating about your dreams, your joys, your fears, and your hopes may take extra effort. It may not come naturally.
The next five chapters of this book are devoted to various aspects of communication.
Talk About It – How would you rate the kindness of your communication? The timeliness? The thoroughness? The depth?

27 – Guy Time, Girl Time

God didn’t make you and your spouse as clones of each other. He created you male and female. While we hope you enjoy doing many things together, you will each have interests that you don’t have in common. There is nothing wrong with the fact that your interests are different, but these differences can be a source of conflict. Or your different interests can be viewed as another opportunity to show each other respect.
Respect for each other will cause you to make room for each other’s interests. You will need to do some combination of the following.
Doing Things Together - Spend some time joining your spouse in what they like to do. Shirley will go golfing with me once or twice a year. I will go shopping with her about as frequently. If there is something your spouse enjoys that you have never tried, at least try it once to see whether you might like it. Look for opportunities to nurture an interest in something your spouse likes to do.
Shirley has on occasion set up a booth at a craft fair. I have no natural interest in crafts, but helping set up the booth is a way I can be involved in her interest and spend time doing something with her.
Welcoming Each Other - We have two sons who live about 200 miles away from us in Seattle. I will make several trips a year there to take them to a professional baseball or football game. We often play some golf while I am there. Shirley knows that she is always welcome to join us. She might watch one baseball game a year. The last time I took her to a professional basketball game she fell asleep. Shirley invites me to go with her when she goes to get her nails done or goes shopping. Even though I seldom accept an invitation like that, I know that she enjoys my company and wouldn’t mind me coming.
Freedom – You should give your spouse the freedom to pursue some interests without your participation or complaints. I might average a golf game a week during good weather. If Shirley wants to get together with some other ladies to do something fun, she has my support. (Even the underwear painting party she went to with a group of mothers and grandmothers.)
Giving your spouse your support in pursuing something of interest to them will help them understand that you value them as a person. Because you have shown respect to your spouse in this way, you will find them returning respect in other ways.
Limits – We have to limit the pursuit of individual interests so that it doesn’t crowd out our married life. I could watch a lot more football, but it tends to drive Shirley out of the living room, so I limit it. If I started golfing every day, I would be throwing my life out of balance, neglecting too many other things, including my marriage. (I say this as a working man. I recognize that a retired man might be able to golf nearly every day without necessarily being out of balance.)
Growing Up – You will have to forsake interests that are destructive, disrespectful, or contrary to your wedding vows. We once did a wedding where the bride was a former stripper. Before marrying, she had to agree to forsake her former career, because her husband was never going to feel respected while she was still active as a stripper. A man who may have been in the habit of going out to have a few drinks with the boys, coming home late and drunk, will need to give that up.
If a wife’s time with the girls makes her want to come home and pick a fight, or his time with the boys makes him want to come home and treat his wife with disrespect, something needs to change. If you are spending time with friends, they should be friends that respect your spouse and support your marriage. Don’t give valuable time to people who have a negative impact on your attitude toward marriage and toward your spouse.
Communicate! - We will always let each other know what we are planning and make sure that our plans work for both of us.
Giving each other some consideration with interests that you don’t have in common is a natural result of respecting each other. You need to look at your normal schedule through a week and find a balanced life that gives you time for your relationship with God, for work, for each other, and for your interests.
Talk About It – Are there interests that either of you are pursuing too much or too little? Are there ways that you can include each other in things you are interested in?

26 – Leadership

In any endeavor involving more than one person, leadership is needed. If two people are moving a table, the leadership may be very subtle, but there will be leadership. Marriages need leadership. The Bible is straightforward in stating that God wants the man to lead:
Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3)
Many people have had a bad boss. That doesn’t mean that having a boss is a bad idea. If you have ever had a good boss, you probably found many reasons to appreciate him or her. God intended that there be a leader in marriage, the man. The fact that some men have done a bad job of it isn’t reason for throwing out the idea of having a leader in the home, or rejecting the idea that God wants the man to lead.
Women who feel threatened or angry at the idea of a man being head of the home have probably never seen a good example of a man leading his home. They may struggle with the command to wives.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
The Bible never commands men to demand submission from their wives. A man who tries to demand submission, will likely instigate more resistance. Or he may get submission, but only after destroying the mutual respect in his marriage. Instead the Bible tells men to honor and respect their wives and to love them as Jesus loved the church. The commands to submit are addressed to the wife. Women are told to do this, even if their husbands are not believers.
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives. (1 Peter 3:1)
We believe that most women want to follow the leadership of their husband, but need to be convinced that their husband has the right heart for it. Men who demand respect seldom get it. Men who lead with patience, godliness, and diligence, will have the respect of their entire family, and usually their in-laws as well.
For the woman, submission doesn’t mean withholding your point of view. A woman needs to express her point of view. Her perspective is a God-given balance to her husband to help him see things from another angle. This is the reason God said the man needed help. Furthermore, the man is commanded to respect his wife. He won’t be able to truly do this unless he knows his wife’s thoughts and feelings so that he can respect them.
Submission doesn’t mean that a man makes all the decisions. A man who makes all the decisions is a poor leader. Here are some of the ways in which a good leader will benefit from the intelligence and gifts of those he leads.
Delegation – There are some decisions that should simply be delegated. There are many areas in our life in which Shirley simply knows more than I do, and the decision will be all hers. Arranging and decorating the house are examples for us. A leader who thinks he must make all the decisions has failed to understand the gifts and the abilities of those God gave him to lead.
Negotiation – Negotiation is finding a middle ground that takes into account the thoughts and feelings of both people. We spoke more about this in chapter 18. You can’t have a healthy marriage unless you value the thoughts and feelings of one another, even when you don’t understand or agree with what your spouse is thinking.
Allocation – Both the man and the wife should each have some parts of the house, some part of the budget, and some time in their week, that can be used at their own discretion. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that time or money can be used in a ways that trample on the other person’s feelings or treats them with disrespect.
Germination – While some decisions that can’t be put off, many can. For large decisions in particular, if you aren’t in agreement, it may be best to put off the decision for a while and keep praying. You may not be seeing the whole picture yet.
There will be times that you must make a decision when you aren’t in agreement, but if you have built a relationship based on mutual respect and thorough communications you will be able to work your way through these times without major difficulty.
Talk About It – How healthy is the man’s leadership in your home? How willing to follow is the woman in your home?

25 – Building Trust and Faithfulness

Trusting each other to be faithful is essential to a healthy marriage. Your human heart wants to trust your spouse and wants to know that your relationship is exclusive. Trust stands on two legs, 1) a willingness to trust another person, and 2) trustworthy behavior.
Do you think that trust is freely given, or is it earned? The answer is yes, both. In many relationships you start with assumed trust that you give to each other freely, but you can only keep trust through trustworthy behavior.
The human heart gets hurt when we think we have an exclusive relationship and find that our partner has cheated. Humans, though, can be irrational with this desire for trust by maintaining a double standard. John, for example, feels hurt that his wife cheated on him, even though he has been unfaithful himself.
It’s reasonable to expect a relationship to be exclusive when you have made a commitment to each other and you are being faithful to that commitment yourself.
Trust in an exclusive relationship satisfies a deep desire in our heart. Trust, though, is based largely on how people have behaved toward each other.
If you had sex on the first date, you showed each other that it took very little to get you in bed. You started with a low level of trust that it will take time to build up.
If you didn’t have sex until you were married, you showed each other that you recognize that sex is exclusive and belongs in marriage. You established a solid foundation of trust from the beginning.
Imagine a “trust meter” where “0” represents sex on the first date and “10” represents purity until the honeymoon. Maybe "5" represents waiting until the relationship is pretty serious and "7" represents waiting until you're engaged. The trust in your relationship started at the point you chose. It can go up or down from there, but it takes time to change it.
What if trust has been violated? Can it be rebuilt? Yes, it can. The rebuilding will take the five steps described in the section on Restoring Broken Trust in Chapter 8.
Some people have had their ability to trust someone damaged by the actions of their parents or others who have broken trust with them in their past. Your spouse may have already had difficulty trusting another person when the two of you met. However, over time, the influence of the past will dim and your spouse’s trust for you is going to be based primarily on your actions and your words.
What do you need to do to build and maintain trust in your marriage? Your words and actions need to line up with the commitment you made when you married to forsake all other and keep yourselves for each other.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. (Ephesians 5:3)
The command here is that there not even be a hint of sexual immorality. I believe this means that we shouldn’t joke about cheating and we shouldn’t put ourselves in situations where our intent is unclear.
Cheating on your spouse, or even entertaining the idea is a foolish choice. Proverbs 5 is devoted to warning us against adultery, telling us it will cost us health, wealth, and reputation. The person who is unfaithful will look back on it with regret. We are urged to maintain faithfulness in our marriage.
Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? (Proverbs 5:15-16)
And we are warned to take care to take precaution not to put ourselves in a tempting situation.
Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house. (Proverbs 5:8)
If your spouse doesn’t trust you, don’t ignore it and don’t merely yell at them for not trusting you. Examine the roots of the lack of trust and discover what it will take to build trust in your marriage. If your words and actions have been worthy of trust, give your spouse time to develop a stronger sense of trust in you. If, on the other hand, you have said or done things that damaged trust, you need to change your words and actions to those that reinforce trust in you.
If you have been tempted to infidelity, it is a symptom that you need to nurture your marriage. Cheating is a fool’s bargain.
Proverbs warns us:
For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave. (Proverbs 5:3-5)
Talk About It – Discuss what you think is the current level of trust in your relationship. What do you need to do to improve the trust in your marriage?

24 – Sex

God created sex for marriage:
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure. (Hebrews 13:4)
A healthy sex life is a by-product of a healthy marriage. A couple that enjoys each other’s company at the dinner table and in the living room, should have no trouble enjoying each other’s company in the bedroom.
God gives some simple, but very important, instructions concerning sex in marriage.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
This passage teaches that a couple should have sex whenever one or the other wants to. The only time they should refrain is when they both agree to, “by mutual consent.”
Maybe it troubles you to see the word “duty” used to describe sexual activity. Hopefully, it will be more joyful than mere duty, but this passage is warning us of the hazards of one member withholding sex from the other. Paul tells us to obey this so that “Satan will not tempt you.” The obvious implication is that Satan will tempt one or both of you if you fail to come together.
Nearly all young men, by the time they marry will have had some experience with fantasy, masturbation, and perhaps pornography. These sexual experiences are shallow, but available on demand. God’s intent is that our sexual behavior is part of a deep multi-faceted relationship with a lifelong partner. If a man experiences a cold response from his wife, there is a temptation to turn to thoughts and behavior that are shallower, but more easily accessible. He may turn to pornography, lustful thoughts directed at other women, online relationships, flirtation, or outright adultery. Paul’s warnings suggest that Satan is eager to jump in and encourage the diversion.
As a pastor I have been puzzled to counsel, several times, with Christian married men who, although married to attractive women, were snared by pornography, fantasy, or masturbation. I am convinced that these men chose these courses because they were more readily available than fulfillment in their marriage and gave them an illusion of control that they did not have in their marriage. I believe that the solution for them was to come to a greater understanding of the deep relationship God intends for us to have in marriage and to work hard at developing that relationship.
A married couple should develop a sex life that is more fulfilling than merely doing their duty. Treating each other with mutual respect will create an atmosphere where you are in tune with each other and interested in each other’s desires. If only one of the two is in the mood for sex, the one could insist that the other “do their duty” (and will appear to have Scripture on their side). Or, the other could simply refuse (although they will be in disobedience to Scripture). A healthier alternative is to meet somewhere in the middle. This is what mutual respect produces. A man who respects his wife will not force the issue too quickly and a woman who respects her husband will not flatly refuse, though she may make her lack of enthusiasm known. (We speak as though it is the man who is more eager for sex than the woman. This is more common, but the same principles apply when it is the other way around.)
A man who is always more eager than his wife will find her more responsive if he gives her some time to warm up to the idea. A man may be comfortable ignoring his wife all evening and then initiating sex when they go to bed. His wife, on the other hand, may feel hurt by that behavior.
A man will also find that spending some time with his wife doing things they both enjoy, or expressing love to her in other, non-sexual, ways will strengthen their relationship and make his wife more ready to respond sexually. There is some help in chapter 29 on expressing love. Sex, after all, was not intended as an end in itself, but as a part of a deep, meaningful, lifelong, partnership. Treating sex as quick, shallow, gratification falls short of what God intended. Fighting over sex will seldom produce any benefit.
Someone who has been sexually abused in the past may have trouble responding sexually while married. Sometimes this doesn’t become a problem until a year or two into the marriage. The couples we know who have successfully recovered from the effects of past sexual abuse have gotten help from a counselor. We offer some thoughts on selecting a counselor in chapter 35.
If you are married for the long haul (and we hope you are), you can handle the fact that your sex life, like everything else in your marriage, will go through some “better” and “worse.” You will experience seasons in which your sexual experiences are great and times in which they seem mundane. Your commitment to each other and to God will see you through these seasons.
Two of the most effective enemies of a healthy sex life for a married couple are busyness and weariness. We talk more about these issues later. The command to “come together again” so that you won’t be tempted by Satan, also applies to the couple who have merely neglected sex because they are too busy and neither of them has taken the initiative.
Talk About It – Are there any barriers to your enjoyment of your sexual relationship? What can you do to remove them?

23 – Money

There are some great books and study materials on how to manage your finances. This chapter won’t tell you very much about financial management. Our focus in this chapter is how to exercise faith, obedience, mutual respect and good communication in handling your finances. Frankly, we’d rather see you make bad financial decisions in ways that preserve mutual respect and build your relationship with each other, than make sound decisions in ways that bring conflict and disrespect into your marriage.
Our materialistic American culture tends to teach us to earn all we can and spend all or even more than we earn. However, the Bible teaches us a balance between work and rest, and a balance between consuming, saving, and giving. The Bible says a lot about finances, not because finances are that important, but because your use of finances reflects what is in your heart and your heart is important.
Here are some important keys for dealing with money:
Trust - In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus said, “Give us today our daily bread.” We need to develop a simple trust in God based on the understanding that He is the one who provides for us. We should eliminate “disaster” language from our homes, such as saying, “If I lose my job, we’ll all starve.” We should cultivate an expectation in our homes that we will have what we need when we need it, because God will provide it.
Contentment – Trusting God leads to contentment. There are many things we could buy, that we can do just as well without.
Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you or forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
Nurture contentment in your family by the way you talk, spending more time thanking God for what you have than you do talking about other stuff you wish you had.
Honoring God – Everything you have actually belongs to God. The sooner you fully realize that, the more peace and contentment you will experience.
We believe in putting God first by giving 10% of our income to our local church. This is called tithing. I know that people can argue their way out of tithing by viewing it as an Old Testament requirement, but we’ve never met anyone who has practiced it faithfully with a right attitude who didn’t see the blessings that God promised in the Old Testament.
“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” (Malachi 3:10)
We don’t view tithing as a legal requirement, but as a simple discipline. It is like kindergarten in the life of faith. God promises blessings you can see. I have seen families move from constant financial turmoil to financial peace after they took this simple step of faith. Putting God first in this way will move you away from an attitude of self reliance and toward an attitude of trust and obedience.
Generosity – The Bible teaches us to give to those in need. This is something you should practice as a family.
He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need. (Ephesians 4:28)
Respect for Each Other – The way we use our money reveals what we value. As married couples, we are taught to put a high value on each other. We should consider the needs, thoughts, and feelings, of the whole family in the way we use our finances. This can be much more challenging than merely creating a budget. It requires communication and compassion.
Managing our finances in a way that treats others in the family with respect will often feel like we are juggling many balls at once. Dad wants a new set of golf clubs. Mom wants to repaint the house. Bobby needs braces. Sally wants to go to church camp. We said we were going to take a vacation this year, but we don’t have anything saved up for it. No one said this was going to be easy, but communicating love and preserving mutual respect is an essential principle in how you choose among your many options.
Jesus rebuked the Pharisees (Matthew 15:3-6) who were governing their lives by a simple principle – that giving to God is more important than anything else. With this principle they had concluded that if they had given generously to the Lord, they could ignore their parents when they had a need. Jesus shows that giving to God doesn’t relieve you from taking care of other people in your life.
Talk – There are marriages that would experience a surge of romance and improved communication by a husband and wife sitting down at the kitchen table and working together to develop a budget. The management of your finances is a great opportunity to practice communication and mutual respect, because your priorities may be very different from each other. As you work through things, you will have the opportunity to show each other your care for each other.
Perhaps some men or women fear discussing finances because they know their spouse can think of many more things to spend money on than they will ever have the money for. Some people may feel safer living with just enough money to cover essentials, so there is never a need or opportunity to talk about anything else.
Even if you have dreams that would take much more money than you ever expect to have, we’d encourage you to talk about them. Consider together what your priorities should be, what can wait for another year, and what can be put off indefinitely.
Talk About It – Do you feel peace about your finances? Do you feel that everyone in the family is being valued in the way you manage your finances?

22 – Empathy

We had been married only 6 months. It was Shirley’s birthday and I came home from a college class for lunch. I brought in the mail and said, “Look, your parents sent you a birthday card.” She began to cry. We were more than 1000 miles from either of our parents and she was a little homesick. When she was growing up, birthdays had always been a big deal at her house. They weren’t given much attention at my house. This was her first birthday since we married, and I simply didn’t know that she was going to feel sad if I didn’t do something bigger for her birthday. (In fact, I hadn’t done anything at all). I learned. I learned to think about how things would make her feel. I’m still learning.
Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and feeling what they feel. Empathy recognizes that some things that may not faze you may hurt someone else. Empathy is essential to a healthy marriage.
You might be tempted to make light of feelings your spouse has that don’t make sense to you. However, consider the fact that the Bible teaches us that Jesus is empathetic with us. He is Lord of everything. We are weak and emotional, and yet He knows and cares about what we feel.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. (Hebrews 2:18)
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)
If you want to be an empathetic spouse, begin by choosing the attitude that your spouse’s feelings are important simply because you value the person you married. Then work at communication so that you have a stronger understanding of what makes your spouse tick.
Peter is speaking to men when he says:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)
That phrase “be considerate” might just sound like God wants a man to hold the door for his wife once and a while. It means much more than that. It means to thoroughly consider something.
The King James Version words it this way:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge. (1 Peter 3:7, KJV)
This is a command to men to get to know their wives, to understand what makes them tick.
A woman should do the same by caring and listening to her husband when he expresses his feelings.
Understanding and valuing the feelings of your partner should be a lifelong commitment for every married person.
Some people may look at life as somewhat overwhelming and think that their own feelings are tough enough to deal with. They may think that caring about someone else’s feelings will just make life too complicated. It’s true that decisions can be tougher if you are taking two people’s feelings into account. However, many of life’s burdens are lighter if you have someone whom you care about who understands and shares your feelings.
Coded Messages –Sometimes a person may speak out of their emotions and say what they feel instead of what they really mean. For example, a man I knew had a wife who told him, “You never kiss me.” He was pretty sure this wasn’t true, so he began to mark it on the calendar whenever he kissed his wife. (Yes, this really happened.) In this way, he was able to disprove his wife whenever she claimed he never kissed her. He was able to show her on the calendar the last time he kissed her, but he was missing the point. If he had interpreted her words as, “I feel like you never kiss me,” he might have gotten the message that he needed to kiss his wife more often and to look for other ways to nurture a healthy marriage. He may have found ways of expressing affection to his wife that she would have found even more meaningful. I can guarantee you that being shown the calendar was not satisfying to his wife.
You may need to learn to listen to the emotion in your spouse’s voice. A man may assume that if his wife says, “I don’t mind if you watch the football game,” she means that she doesn’t mind if he watches the football game. Those words might come out of her mouth in a tone of voice that says “I’m going to be annoyed if you watch the football game, why don’t you ask me what I had in mind this afternoon.” The better we get to know each other the clearer our communication will be.
Talk About It – Give each other examples of empathy that you have seen in your partner that you have appreciated. Are there examples of times when you felt like your partner really didn’t understand you?

21 – A Regular Diet of Forgiveness

Earlier, we talked about applying forgiveness to the past. To have a healthy marriage, you also need to practice it on a regular basis.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)
There are going to be hundreds of opportunities in your marriage to be hurt by something your spouse says or does.
If you allow hurt, resentment, or anger to accumulate, you will either live in a constant foul mood or you will snap some day over whatever issue happens to be the last straw. You may feel foolish if the last straw is some tiny issue and your reaction is totally out of proportion to its significance.
Jesus gave a startling answer to Peter’s question about forgiveness:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22) (some translations say seventy times seven)
When we picture Jesus’ disciples, we tend to think of old men with beards. But they were pretty young when Jesus first called them. You might think of them as Jesus’ youth group. Peter may have asked this question after getting his sixth wedgie of the day from his fellow disciples. He may have thought of himself as being pretty big-hearted to be willing to forgive seven times in the same day. He may have been planning to pounce on John on the eighth offense. Jesus, instead, teaches us to offer forgiveness without limit.
I don’t believe that Jesus wants His followers to neglect solving problems that cause ongoing conflict. If you have to forgive someone seven times you should ask what you need to do to avoid them hurting you the eighth time. But your willingness to forgive should be limitless.
Everybody gets hurt. The person closest to you has more ability to hurt you than anyone else. Forgiveness is the choice to let the hurt go. If you want a healthy marriage, you need to be quick to forgive. If you can’t forgive until you have made everyone involved suffer or until you have made a big scene, you will seriously hinder anyone else’s ability to be close to you. You also won’t be able to keep up with the need for forgiveness.
The ease with which you handle the little daily irritations you may get from your spouse has as much to do with you and the way you look at life as it does the things your spouse says and does. If you recognize and appreciate God’s love and forgiveness toward you, you will find it easier to be quick to forgive. When Jesus answered Peter’s question about forgiveness, He went on to tell a story.
"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:23-35)
We believe Jesus told this story to show us how our unforgiveness looks to God. The man had been forgiven a debt that was so huge, he never could have repaid it in his lifetime. He promptly went out and refused to forgive someone who owed him a small amount of money. Everyone who saw it thought he was being ridiculous.
If someone hurts you, it may look like a big deal until you compare it to the great love and forgiveness that God has shown us. If you are slow to forgive, you probably have not allowed God’s great love and mercy to sink into your thinking.
Your willingness to forgive will set a positive tone in your home. You will find it easier to communicate and both of you will treat each other with greater respect.
Talk About It – Do you feel that it is difficult or easy to get forgiveness from your spouse? Are you quick or slow to forgive?

20 – Forbearance

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)
Shirley and I both snore. It can be very annoying to be awake while your spouse snores, but we don’t let it damage our marriage. Sometimes we use earplugs, sometimes we push on our spouse to get them into a better position, but we don’t fight over it. Forbearance is the choice to put up with a weakness, failure, or annoyance, on the part of another person. You need forbearance in every human relationship – your boss, your mother, the waitress, and the paper carrier. If you don’t have the ability to forbear, life is going to make you a raving lunatic.
The verse above mentions both forbearance and forgiveness. They are not the same thing. Forbearance applies to things that aren’t really hurtful, but aren’t what you’d like. Forgiveness applies to the times you have actually been wronged. We want to say more about forgiveness in the next chapter.
Any two people will have hundreds of things that they do differently. Many of them will impact their partner, especially use of time, money, the house, and other possessions. Many of these differences call for forbearance.
Just because you haven’t said anything about something, doesn’t mean you are forbearing. If you are carrying resentment or can’t let go of something, you aren’t forbearing. If something bothers you, you really only have two healthy alternatives: let it go or talk about it in a constructive way. If you can’t let it go, you’d better talk about it. If you hold it in, it may come bubbling to the surface at just the wrong time.
In a casual relationship, you may find it easy to let a lot of things go. In a deep relationship, and particularly in marriage, you have much greater impact on each other and there are more things worth talking about. This is one reason that couples may start fighting more after they are married than they ever did when they were single.
However, in marriage, there are so many things you face; it isn’t worth making an issue about them all. You just have to let some things go.
Forbearance for Now – Some forbearance is temporary because you know the issue will go away. You may not like changing your baby’s diaper, but you expect that you won’t always have to. In some cases the issue isn’t going away by itself, but you may have to exercise temporary forbearance because the time isn’t right for bringing it up.
Occasionally, there may be something that you feel you need to talk about, but you know you should wait for a more opportune time. For example, suppose a wife feels that her husband isn’t doing enough around the house to help her. She has examined her heart and asked if she is being selfish or if this is something she really needs to bring up. This is an issue that is going to impact her life nearly every day, and she has decided she must talk about it with her husband. However, his employer is going through a busy season right now and her husband has had to work extra hours and some weekends for the last six weeks. She may decide that this is a bad time to bring this up and that her concerns can wait for a few more weeks until her husband gets back on a normal work schedule. If she makes this choice, forbearance means that she will continue to do her work at home with a good attitude. She will not allow resentment or anger to take root in her heart.
If, instead, she begins to make rude remarks and drop little hints, she might think she is setting the stage for the talk she wants to have later. It is more likely that she will undermine that future talk. She may irritate her husband on this subject without ever giving him the opportunity to respond in a constructive way. By the time she brings it up, he may have a hard time seeing it clearly.
If she feels like she is not able to put off talking about the issue, she may bring it up, but recognize that she shouldn’t expect much change until her husband has more free time. There is some help on how to confront an issue in a healthy way in chapter 32.
Learning From Conflict - If your differences cause conflict you need to look closely at what your differences are. Your different perspectives may be meant to help you both. We once talked to a couple who had conflict over how to respond to a restaurant order that wasn't right. One wanted to complain and get it right. The other wanted to just eat what was given to them and not worry about it. These are not right and wrong points of view. There are things in life we need to confront and things we need to let go. The person who has an easy time living with a cheeseburger when they ordered a hamburger will one day need help confronting something that really does need to be fixed. The person who is great at confrontation will sometime need help accepting things that really can’t be changed. Mr. Confronter and Mrs. Get-Over-It-Quick were given to each other to help each other.
Once you begin to accept your differences as being helpful to each other, there will be more things that you can simply let go.
Talk About It – Give each other examples of times you have practiced forbearance. Offer examples of times you now wish you would have practiced forbearance but didn’t.