18 – Negotiation

Any two people doing anything together will soon find that they have different ideas and different preferences. If one is the master and the other is the slave, then the slave’s opinion won’t matter. The master can just tell him what to do. In a marriage, though, mutual respect depends on taking each other’s thoughts and feelings seriously. The health of your marriage doesn’t depend on agreeing on everything; rather it depends on how you resolve disagreements.
In a healthy marriage, you will find many times when both of you are willing to bend. If we are going out to eat, Shirley will often be happy if I pick a restaurant, and I will be happy if she picks it. However, there will be times when you both have a preference and just don’t agree about something. You need to learn to negotiate.
It can sometimes be healthy to drop the issue for a while and think about it. Sometimes this isn’t possible. On the other hand, it’s definitely unhealthy if you drop it and never come back to resolve it.
Negotiation is an art. It involves two or more parties searching for a solution that works for everyone involved. Here’s how it works.
· State what you would like to have happen.
· Listen to the other person as they state what they would like to have happen.
· Share the reasons this matters to you.
· Ask the other person to explain how they feel about the issue.
· Listen to the reasons that this matters to the other person.
· Propose an alternative that you think may work for both of you.
· Listen to any alternatives proposed by the other person.
While you are negotiating, there is no benefit in getting angry. Don’t make accusations that the other person isn’t listening or doesn’t care about you.
Let’s listen in on Dick and Jane as they do a little negotiating. This will be their first Thanksgiving since their marriage.
Dick: “My Mom invited both of us over to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving.”
Jane: “I was hoping we could spend Thanksgiving with my Mom and Step Dad. They haven’t mentioned it yet, but that’s where I have always spent Thanksgiving.”
Dick: “What time are they having dinner?”
Jane: “They always eat around 2:00 and then play board games until late. Would your family be upset if you didn’t come this year?”
Dick: “Well, my parents are still getting to know you.
They were looking forward to spending some time with you. How would you feel if you missed Thanksgiving at your Mom’s this year?”
Jane: “I never even thought about it before. Thanksgiving is the one time we all get together. Would it work if we went to your parents’ house the day after Thanksgiving?”
Dick: “Maybe, that actually would be a quieter day for them and they would be able to spend more time talking to you. Let me call my parents and see what they say.”
Okay, maybe this one worked out too easily! Maybe either Mother was going to have a fit if Dick and Jane didn’t show up at their house. Maybe the two sets of parents live 500 miles apart and it is impossible to split the weekend between them. Life can be hard. However, the key to a good relationship is to get on the same side of problems by caring about what is important to the other person, realizing that they have different preferences than you. If Dick wants Jane to be able to spend time with her family and Jane wants Dick’s parents to be able to get to know her better, they will work together and find a solution.
Do you see how easily a conversation like this could go astray if you don’t stick together looking for a solution?
· You don’t like my parents!
· You don’t care about what I want!
· You’re just selfish!
· Your family makes me uncomfortable!
· Blah, blah, blah…
There is also danger, though, if Dick or Jane simply gives in to the other and harbors ill feelings about it. Good negotiation is much better than a fight, but a good fight could be better than seething resentment.
In many cases, when you negotiate, you are looking for a middle ground or compromise. However, sometimes a compromise may be worse than either person’s preference. If one of us wants to paint the house blue, and the other wants to paint it red, then red and blue stripes would be a fair but foolish compromise. The Biblical example of a fair but foolish compromise is Solomon’s offer to cut a baby in half to settle a dispute between two women who each claimed the baby. (Solomon was not being foolish when he proposed it. He knew the real mother would give in for the sake of the child.)
Sometimes there is no sensible compromise or no middle ground. Sometimes you must choose together to adopt one of your preferences. There will, however, often be other offsetting steps you can take to preserve mutual respect. For example:
· We may do it my way this time, but your way next time.
· I’m working late today, but I’ll take you out to dinner tomorrow.
· It’s really important that we go to my parents’ anniversary party, even though you prefer not to, but this summer you can pick the vacation destination.
Be careful, though, in taking steps like this, that the relationship doesn’t become petty, with detailed score keeping. The goal is for each of you to be generous and open hearted, expressing mutual respect for each other.
Sometimes you need to talk about something your spouse is doing that hurts you and that needs to change. We’ll talk about confrontation a little later. If the vote is stuck at one to one, there needs to be a way to settle it. We’ll talk about leadership a little later.
Talk About It – How effective are you at negotiation? When you try to talk, is there anything that gets you off track? Is there anything you can do to improve your ability to negotiate?