24 – Sex

God created sex for marriage:
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure. (Hebrews 13:4)
A healthy sex life is a by-product of a healthy marriage. A couple that enjoys each other’s company at the dinner table and in the living room, should have no trouble enjoying each other’s company in the bedroom.
God gives some simple, but very important, instructions concerning sex in marriage.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
This passage teaches that a couple should have sex whenever one or the other wants to. The only time they should refrain is when they both agree to, “by mutual consent.”
Maybe it troubles you to see the word “duty” used to describe sexual activity. Hopefully, it will be more joyful than mere duty, but this passage is warning us of the hazards of one member withholding sex from the other. Paul tells us to obey this so that “Satan will not tempt you.” The obvious implication is that Satan will tempt one or both of you if you fail to come together.
Nearly all young men, by the time they marry will have had some experience with fantasy, masturbation, and perhaps pornography. These sexual experiences are shallow, but available on demand. God’s intent is that our sexual behavior is part of a deep multi-faceted relationship with a lifelong partner. If a man experiences a cold response from his wife, there is a temptation to turn to thoughts and behavior that are shallower, but more easily accessible. He may turn to pornography, lustful thoughts directed at other women, online relationships, flirtation, or outright adultery. Paul’s warnings suggest that Satan is eager to jump in and encourage the diversion.
As a pastor I have been puzzled to counsel, several times, with Christian married men who, although married to attractive women, were snared by pornography, fantasy, or masturbation. I am convinced that these men chose these courses because they were more readily available than fulfillment in their marriage and gave them an illusion of control that they did not have in their marriage. I believe that the solution for them was to come to a greater understanding of the deep relationship God intends for us to have in marriage and to work hard at developing that relationship.
A married couple should develop a sex life that is more fulfilling than merely doing their duty. Treating each other with mutual respect will create an atmosphere where you are in tune with each other and interested in each other’s desires. If only one of the two is in the mood for sex, the one could insist that the other “do their duty” (and will appear to have Scripture on their side). Or, the other could simply refuse (although they will be in disobedience to Scripture). A healthier alternative is to meet somewhere in the middle. This is what mutual respect produces. A man who respects his wife will not force the issue too quickly and a woman who respects her husband will not flatly refuse, though she may make her lack of enthusiasm known. (We speak as though it is the man who is more eager for sex than the woman. This is more common, but the same principles apply when it is the other way around.)
A man who is always more eager than his wife will find her more responsive if he gives her some time to warm up to the idea. A man may be comfortable ignoring his wife all evening and then initiating sex when they go to bed. His wife, on the other hand, may feel hurt by that behavior.
A man will also find that spending some time with his wife doing things they both enjoy, or expressing love to her in other, non-sexual, ways will strengthen their relationship and make his wife more ready to respond sexually. There is some help in chapter 29 on expressing love. Sex, after all, was not intended as an end in itself, but as a part of a deep, meaningful, lifelong, partnership. Treating sex as quick, shallow, gratification falls short of what God intended. Fighting over sex will seldom produce any benefit.
Someone who has been sexually abused in the past may have trouble responding sexually while married. Sometimes this doesn’t become a problem until a year or two into the marriage. The couples we know who have successfully recovered from the effects of past sexual abuse have gotten help from a counselor. We offer some thoughts on selecting a counselor in chapter 35.
If you are married for the long haul (and we hope you are), you can handle the fact that your sex life, like everything else in your marriage, will go through some “better” and “worse.” You will experience seasons in which your sexual experiences are great and times in which they seem mundane. Your commitment to each other and to God will see you through these seasons.
Two of the most effective enemies of a healthy sex life for a married couple are busyness and weariness. We talk more about these issues later. The command to “come together again” so that you won’t be tempted by Satan, also applies to the couple who have merely neglected sex because they are too busy and neither of them has taken the initiative.
Talk About It – Are there any barriers to your enjoyment of your sexual relationship? What can you do to remove them?