22 – Empathy

We had been married only 6 months. It was Shirley’s birthday and I came home from a college class for lunch. I brought in the mail and said, “Look, your parents sent you a birthday card.” She began to cry. We were more than 1000 miles from either of our parents and she was a little homesick. When she was growing up, birthdays had always been a big deal at her house. They weren’t given much attention at my house. This was her first birthday since we married, and I simply didn’t know that she was going to feel sad if I didn’t do something bigger for her birthday. (In fact, I hadn’t done anything at all). I learned. I learned to think about how things would make her feel. I’m still learning.
Empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and feeling what they feel. Empathy recognizes that some things that may not faze you may hurt someone else. Empathy is essential to a healthy marriage.
You might be tempted to make light of feelings your spouse has that don’t make sense to you. However, consider the fact that the Bible teaches us that Jesus is empathetic with us. He is Lord of everything. We are weak and emotional, and yet He knows and cares about what we feel.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. (Hebrews 2:18)
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)
If you want to be an empathetic spouse, begin by choosing the attitude that your spouse’s feelings are important simply because you value the person you married. Then work at communication so that you have a stronger understanding of what makes your spouse tick.
Peter is speaking to men when he says:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)
That phrase “be considerate” might just sound like God wants a man to hold the door for his wife once and a while. It means much more than that. It means to thoroughly consider something.
The King James Version words it this way:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge. (1 Peter 3:7, KJV)
This is a command to men to get to know their wives, to understand what makes them tick.
A woman should do the same by caring and listening to her husband when he expresses his feelings.
Understanding and valuing the feelings of your partner should be a lifelong commitment for every married person.
Some people may look at life as somewhat overwhelming and think that their own feelings are tough enough to deal with. They may think that caring about someone else’s feelings will just make life too complicated. It’s true that decisions can be tougher if you are taking two people’s feelings into account. However, many of life’s burdens are lighter if you have someone whom you care about who understands and shares your feelings.
Coded Messages –Sometimes a person may speak out of their emotions and say what they feel instead of what they really mean. For example, a man I knew had a wife who told him, “You never kiss me.” He was pretty sure this wasn’t true, so he began to mark it on the calendar whenever he kissed his wife. (Yes, this really happened.) In this way, he was able to disprove his wife whenever she claimed he never kissed her. He was able to show her on the calendar the last time he kissed her, but he was missing the point. If he had interpreted her words as, “I feel like you never kiss me,” he might have gotten the message that he needed to kiss his wife more often and to look for other ways to nurture a healthy marriage. He may have found ways of expressing affection to his wife that she would have found even more meaningful. I can guarantee you that being shown the calendar was not satisfying to his wife.
You may need to learn to listen to the emotion in your spouse’s voice. A man may assume that if his wife says, “I don’t mind if you watch the football game,” she means that she doesn’t mind if he watches the football game. Those words might come out of her mouth in a tone of voice that says “I’m going to be annoyed if you watch the football game, why don’t you ask me what I had in mind this afternoon.” The better we get to know each other the clearer our communication will be.
Talk About It – Give each other examples of empathy that you have seen in your partner that you have appreciated. Are there examples of times when you felt like your partner really didn’t understand you?