Jimmy can’t remember how many times he heard family members tell him things like, “You’ll never amount to anything,” “You’re useless,” or “You can’t do anything right.” He heard these things so much that he believed them. He struggled through school, always expecting to fail. He struggled to keep a job, always believing he was too dumb to do things well. He expected to fail in relationships so he looked for an advantage with women by being controlling. He married Sally who seemed weak to him and who he thought he could control. Once married, though, he found her less willing to be controlled.
Jenny went through a crazy period of drug use and promiscuity in her teens and early twenties. Then she returned to her faith in Christ and left her past behind. However, the guilt from the past keeps creeping in to her present. When she would meet a young man who she sensed could be interested in her, she would think, “If you knew what I used to be like, you wouldn’t like me.” She ended up marrying a man that had been in some trouble himself. Their marriage has a shortage of self-respect and mutual respect.
Janet had a rocky childhood. Her father drank and sometimes became physically or sexually abusive. When she was thinking clearly, she knew that her father’s problems were not her fault. In weaker moments, she blamed herself. She met a good man who wanted to marry her. He wasn’t perfect, but he genuinely wanted to be a good husband. Too often, though, she overreacts to him as though he is her abusive father. Her responses are exaggerated, because her emotions are a combined response to the present and the past.
Past failure and hurts should not keep you from what God has in mind for you now. If you have given your life to Him, He has a good plan for you and He will give you the ability to be what He wants you to be. If you have confessed your sin to God, He has forgiven you. If you have been hurt, God expects you to forgive those who have wronged you.
Hearing Our Real Father – Ideally, a child’s life will be marked by the encouragement and love given to them by their parents. Unfortunately, some children are loaded down with insecurity and rejection from their parents. Or they may be victims of abuse by others and have deep wounds that challenge their ability to live with joy and purpose. God acknowledges that our parents may let us down, but He promises that He never will.
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! (Isaiah 49:15)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling. (Psalm 68:5)
If you are carrying an image of yourself as worthless and unloved, you need to see yourself as God sees you. You can do this by listening to God as He speaks His love to you. This isn’t something you do once or twice, but something you need to do on a regular basis. If you aren’t in the habit of reading the Bible, you should start now. Hearing God tell you He loves you is only one of many reasons you need a regular habit of reading the Bible. Here is an example of what you will find about yourself in the Bible.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-14)
God will also speak to you during times of prayer and worship.
Receiving Forgiveness – God makes a solid promise to forgive you if you ask Him.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
He also speaks to all of us who are changing from old ways to new ones, telling us that He has a great plan for us.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)
Maybe you think that when God speaks about His will being “good, pleasing, and perfect,” He is speaking only to those who haven’t already made a mess of their lives. He is speaking to all of us, no matter how big our mess. Paul is writing to us who were conformed “to the pattern of this world,” and now need to be “transformed.”
This means that whatever you may have done in the past, God has a good plan for your future. If you want to discover it, you need to be transformed. But, this only happens by learning from God and obeying Him.
However, you need to be honest with yourself about any wounds you are carrying from the past. God has forgiven you, but have you forgiven yourself? Some people are even carrying guilt for things that were not their fault, such as being abused by a parent or an older relative.
Some Christians struggle by viewing themselves as the person they used to be. God is telling you to view yourself as the person He is making you into.
Talk About It – How deeply have God’s love and forgiveness impacted the way you look at yourself? How can you help each other deepen your understanding of God’s love and forgiveness?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
11 – What God Has Joined Together…
When Jesus talked about marriage, He said, “What God has joined together…” showing us that God expects to be part of our marriages.
What does it mean to have God in your marriage? What can you do to have more of God in your marriage?
God never intended for anyone to try something as complex as marriage without His help. In this book we have referred to the Bible and talked about trust in God. But you can’t have a relationship with God without beginning one. Here is a basic explanation of how you begin a relationship with Jesus.
· We were created to have a close relationship with God. He wants us to hear Him, love Him, and obey Him.
Obey me and do everything I command you, and you will be my people, and I will be your God. (Jeremiah 11:4)
· We have all turned away from God to do our own will. Many people weren’t very aware they did this, because they were just following the example of others. Some people think they are pretty good people, because they are not as bad as their neighbor. The truth, though, is that we all fall short of what God meant us to be. We even fall short of what we know is right.
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)
· Our sin separates us from God. He doesn’t quit loving us, but our rebellion creates a barrier between us.
But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear. (Isaiah 59:2)
· Jesus died on the cross to take the punishment for our sin. Jesus paid our debt and cleared the way for us to be forgiven and reconciled to God.
For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. (1 Peter 3:18)
· We need to choose to believe in Jesus and invite Him into our lives. He will forgive us. We need to turn away from our sins and obey Him.
If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. (Jesus speaking in Revelation 3:20)
Millions of Christians have begun a new life with a simple prayer something like this: “Jesus, I know you love me and died for my sins. Come into my life. Forgive my sins and take over my life. I want to learn how to live for you.”
Once you make that commitment, you can grow strong as a Christian by doing these things;
· Learn what He wants you to do by studying the Bible.
· Get in the habit of obeying God when you learn what He wants.
· Get involved in a church with believers who will encourage you to grow strong.
· Pray each day. God says you can pray about anything, and you can pray anywhere.
· Use some of your time and ability to serve others. You can get help learning to do this in most local churches.
While you may think your faith is just a personal matter, your faith or lack of it will affect every person in your household. On the night of the Passover, every household among the people of Israel had a choice.
Exodus 12:3 Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb for his family, one for each household…. 7 Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the lambs…. 13 The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt.
By a simple act of obedience, a man put his faith in action and protected his entire household from the grief they all would have gone through if they had lost their firstborn child. Even though God’s favor was on the entire nation of Israel, it was the faith, or lack thereof, in each home that determined whether they were spared from the last and worst plague that God brought on the nation of Egypt.
The primary place that God intended for your children to learn about Him is from you in the daily activities of life.
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)
A long time ago, Joshua was speaking to the people of Israel about the importance of trusting and obeying God. Even though he was their leader, he knew that the most important decisions that would determine the destiny of the nation would be made household by household. He said,
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. (Joshua 24:15)
Talk About It – To what extent is the Lord in the center of your marriage? What can you do to give Him more of His rightful place in your lives?
What does it mean to have God in your marriage? What can you do to have more of God in your marriage?
God never intended for anyone to try something as complex as marriage without His help. In this book we have referred to the Bible and talked about trust in God. But you can’t have a relationship with God without beginning one. Here is a basic explanation of how you begin a relationship with Jesus.
· We were created to have a close relationship with God. He wants us to hear Him, love Him, and obey Him.
Obey me and do everything I command you, and you will be my people, and I will be your God. (Jeremiah 11:4)
· We have all turned away from God to do our own will. Many people weren’t very aware they did this, because they were just following the example of others. Some people think they are pretty good people, because they are not as bad as their neighbor. The truth, though, is that we all fall short of what God meant us to be. We even fall short of what we know is right.
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)
· Our sin separates us from God. He doesn’t quit loving us, but our rebellion creates a barrier between us.
But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear. (Isaiah 59:2)
· Jesus died on the cross to take the punishment for our sin. Jesus paid our debt and cleared the way for us to be forgiven and reconciled to God.
For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. (1 Peter 3:18)
· We need to choose to believe in Jesus and invite Him into our lives. He will forgive us. We need to turn away from our sins and obey Him.
If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. (Jesus speaking in Revelation 3:20)
Millions of Christians have begun a new life with a simple prayer something like this: “Jesus, I know you love me and died for my sins. Come into my life. Forgive my sins and take over my life. I want to learn how to live for you.”
Once you make that commitment, you can grow strong as a Christian by doing these things;
· Learn what He wants you to do by studying the Bible.
· Get in the habit of obeying God when you learn what He wants.
· Get involved in a church with believers who will encourage you to grow strong.
· Pray each day. God says you can pray about anything, and you can pray anywhere.
· Use some of your time and ability to serve others. You can get help learning to do this in most local churches.
While you may think your faith is just a personal matter, your faith or lack of it will affect every person in your household. On the night of the Passover, every household among the people of Israel had a choice.
Exodus 12:3 Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb for his family, one for each household…. 7 Then they are to take some of the blood and put it on the sides and tops of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the lambs…. 13 The blood will be a sign for you on the houses where you are; and when I see the blood, I will pass over you. No destructive plague will touch you when I strike Egypt.
By a simple act of obedience, a man put his faith in action and protected his entire household from the grief they all would have gone through if they had lost their firstborn child. Even though God’s favor was on the entire nation of Israel, it was the faith, or lack thereof, in each home that determined whether they were spared from the last and worst plague that God brought on the nation of Egypt.
The primary place that God intended for your children to learn about Him is from you in the daily activities of life.
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)
A long time ago, Joshua was speaking to the people of Israel about the importance of trusting and obeying God. Even though he was their leader, he knew that the most important decisions that would determine the destiny of the nation would be made household by household. He said,
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. (Joshua 24:15)
Talk About It – To what extent is the Lord in the center of your marriage? What can you do to give Him more of His rightful place in your lives?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
10 – In Sickness
Betsy wanted to leave her husband, and she came to us seeking approval. She was in a second marriage that had never gone very well. She thought that she shouldn’t have married this man in the first place. Now her husband was facing an illness that she expected to gradually take away his ability to work or to speak clearly. She expected that he would need a lot of care and more each year until he died. She hadn’t planned on this and wanted out. We couldn’t give her the approval she was asking for. (It’s puzzling to see people seek approval from others when they know they are doing wrong.) We told her instead that she should stay and find a new depth to her love and commitment.
We were given to each other in marriage to help each other. Sometimes the needs of one increase, creating more responsibility for the other. We see this principle in this passage.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
If your spouse becomes ill, it’s time for you to step up and be their closest friend.
We believe that God hears and answers prayer and that people are sometimes healed in answer to prayer. However, if you are the one who is sick, healthy people who make healing sound easy can be annoying and discouraging. We don’t have any simple answers to why some people stay sick despite prayer. We aren’t going to focus on that question here, but want to offer help to couples who are enduring illness.
Here are some principles that may be helpful if you face illness in your marriage.
Thank God for Small Things, Thank God for Big Things – A hard year or a hard decade can get a person down. We can find joy, though, if we thank God for today’s small blessings and for God’s eternal promises. If you are down, you can benefit from focusing on a smaller picture, thanking God for today’s daily bread. You can also benefit from focusing on a larger picture, thanking Him for His promise never to leave you and to give you eternal life. When Naomi said, “The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” (Ruth 1:21), she was focusing on the tough times of the previous few years. She’d had a hard decade. Later, when she said, “He has not stopped showing His kindness to the living and the dead,” (Ruth 2:20) she was focusing on that day’s blessings. By the end of the book of Ruth, we can see the big picture of what God was doing in Naomi’s life. By then, her friends are praising God for His goodness to Naomi. If the picture you are looking at seems scary or depressing, stand back and look at the bigger picture, or move in and look at encouraging details.
For example, suppose your spouse has become very ill and the doctor hasn’t been able to find an explanation. You’ve been in and out of the hospital and the doctor has brought up the possibility of long-term nursing care. You are worried about your medical bills and wonder if your spouse will ever recover. You worry how you will manage if you lose your spouse. You can find joy in the simple blessings of this day. You can thank God for a meal you particularly enjoyed or thank Him that you slept better last night than you had been. You can also find joy in focusing on the bigger picture. No matter what happens, you can thank God for the years you and your spouse have had together. You can thank Him for the promise of being reunited in heaven. You can thank Him that He is always with you, even in hard times.
Recognize Your Primary Purpose – Jesus said that two commands define the most important things we have to do in life.
Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 22:37-39)
Loving others is your second most important responsibility. If you have a spouse who is sick, you have a unique opportunity to show them love. Many other things can wait, but you can show them love with simple acts of service and by just spending time with them.
Get Help – We were never meant to go through life alone. When you need help, ask for it. Someone else’s life will be enriched with the opportunity to help you in some practical way. Call your family members or your church when you need someone to run an errand or take care of something around your house that you don’t have time or strength to do yourself.
Do Your Best, Trust God With the Rest – Sometimes people struggle with guilt over decisions they made when a spouse was sick. When the doctor starts asking questions about what medical help you want or don’t want, these decisions can feel overwhelming. Make your decisions based on love. If you feel confused, talk it over with someone you trust. Ask God for guidance. He promises to give it.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Honor whatever wishes your spouse has expressed. When you’ve done what you can, pray and trust God. Don’t spend energy mulling over what you would have or could have done. Your spouse’s life is in God’s hands and if you have acted in love, you need not regret your decisions.
Talk About It – Agree together to let go of any fears you have about your health in the future. Agree that God is great enough to see you through anything you may have to face. Tell each other that you meant it when your vows included, “In sickness.”
We were given to each other in marriage to help each other. Sometimes the needs of one increase, creating more responsibility for the other. We see this principle in this passage.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
If your spouse becomes ill, it’s time for you to step up and be their closest friend.
We believe that God hears and answers prayer and that people are sometimes healed in answer to prayer. However, if you are the one who is sick, healthy people who make healing sound easy can be annoying and discouraging. We don’t have any simple answers to why some people stay sick despite prayer. We aren’t going to focus on that question here, but want to offer help to couples who are enduring illness.
Here are some principles that may be helpful if you face illness in your marriage.
Thank God for Small Things, Thank God for Big Things – A hard year or a hard decade can get a person down. We can find joy, though, if we thank God for today’s small blessings and for God’s eternal promises. If you are down, you can benefit from focusing on a smaller picture, thanking God for today’s daily bread. You can also benefit from focusing on a larger picture, thanking Him for His promise never to leave you and to give you eternal life. When Naomi said, “The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.” (Ruth 1:21), she was focusing on the tough times of the previous few years. She’d had a hard decade. Later, when she said, “He has not stopped showing His kindness to the living and the dead,” (Ruth 2:20) she was focusing on that day’s blessings. By the end of the book of Ruth, we can see the big picture of what God was doing in Naomi’s life. By then, her friends are praising God for His goodness to Naomi. If the picture you are looking at seems scary or depressing, stand back and look at the bigger picture, or move in and look at encouraging details.
For example, suppose your spouse has become very ill and the doctor hasn’t been able to find an explanation. You’ve been in and out of the hospital and the doctor has brought up the possibility of long-term nursing care. You are worried about your medical bills and wonder if your spouse will ever recover. You worry how you will manage if you lose your spouse. You can find joy in the simple blessings of this day. You can thank God for a meal you particularly enjoyed or thank Him that you slept better last night than you had been. You can also find joy in focusing on the bigger picture. No matter what happens, you can thank God for the years you and your spouse have had together. You can thank Him for the promise of being reunited in heaven. You can thank Him that He is always with you, even in hard times.
Recognize Your Primary Purpose – Jesus said that two commands define the most important things we have to do in life.
Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' (Matthew 22:37-39)
Loving others is your second most important responsibility. If you have a spouse who is sick, you have a unique opportunity to show them love. Many other things can wait, but you can show them love with simple acts of service and by just spending time with them.
Get Help – We were never meant to go through life alone. When you need help, ask for it. Someone else’s life will be enriched with the opportunity to help you in some practical way. Call your family members or your church when you need someone to run an errand or take care of something around your house that you don’t have time or strength to do yourself.
Do Your Best, Trust God With the Rest – Sometimes people struggle with guilt over decisions they made when a spouse was sick. When the doctor starts asking questions about what medical help you want or don’t want, these decisions can feel overwhelming. Make your decisions based on love. If you feel confused, talk it over with someone you trust. Ask God for guidance. He promises to give it.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Honor whatever wishes your spouse has expressed. When you’ve done what you can, pray and trust God. Don’t spend energy mulling over what you would have or could have done. Your spouse’s life is in God’s hands and if you have acted in love, you need not regret your decisions.
Talk About It – Agree together to let go of any fears you have about your health in the future. Agree that God is great enough to see you through anything you may have to face. Tell each other that you meant it when your vows included, “In sickness.”
9 – Tough Times
There will be seasons in your marriage when life gets more difficult. Some of these will be out of your control. It isn’t time to get down, get mad, or give up. It’s time, instead, to deepen your relationship with each other and with God.
Voislav and Mejra had great jobs and a comfortable home in Sarajevo, in the former Yugoslavia. They looked forward to a bright future with their young son and daughter. Then in the early 1990’s, fighting broke out in Sarajevo. Their home was burned down and Voislav was forced to work for rebels.
Mejra had to flee with their children and spent some time in a Red Cross shelter in the basement of a bombed out building. Almost daily, artillery fire would cause mother and children to huddle together in fear. Mejra and the children were allowed to come to the United States as refugees, but Voislav wasn’t allowed to come for about three more years. After their tearful reunion, they had a new opportunity to rebuild their lives, enjoy their marriage, and raise their children.
We hope that your tough times are not as difficult as Voislav and Mejra, but tough times call for solid commitment to each other and to the principles of marriage. If you maintain your commitment to each other, tough times will pass, and your marriage will be stronger than ever.
Keep Praying – Everything in this life is temporary. God makes a great promise to keep our hard times short and to personally intervene to change them.
And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. (1 Peter 5:10)
We can’t tell you how God will intervene in your case, but you need to continue to hope in Him, asking Him for strength, peace, and joy.
Paul urges us to be tough in tough times and to keep our eyes on the things that matter most.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4: 17-18)
Keep your eyes on God’s eternal promises and thank Him that what you are going through is temporary.
You will find in the Bible many examples of people who endured tough times through faith in God.
Look For the Open Door – God makes a remarkable promise.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
It takes a powerful and caring God to make that promise. He knows what is coming before it happens, knows what you are able to bear, and has the power to limit or change what comes your way.
He says that He will provide a way out. That means there will always be a right thing to do in every situation.
Some people, trying to be philosophical, imagine situations in which a person’s only choices are evil. You may be able to imagine such a situation, but God promises that you will never be in one. There will be a right thing to do! There will be a way out. You might imagine a room with no doors, but a good contractor will never build you one.
If you are in the middle of a tough situation, ask God what He wants you to do. Pray together diligently until you know you have the answer.
Let Go of Anything But Your Commitment – The decisions we make when we face tough choices reveal our character. Satan thought Job would curse God if times got tough. God knew better. If you have to move, change jobs, sell something, or ask for help, in order to get through, do what it takes. But never back down on your commitment to each other and to the Lord.
Keep Hope and Thanksgiving – You will never be in a situation where there isn’t something to thank God for. Don’t allow trouble to drown out a positive, hopeful, thankful atmosphere in your marriage.
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
Talk About It – Discuss what you would consider the biggest challenge your marriage faces right now. What can you do to overcome this challenge and strengthen your marriage?
Voislav and Mejra had great jobs and a comfortable home in Sarajevo, in the former Yugoslavia. They looked forward to a bright future with their young son and daughter. Then in the early 1990’s, fighting broke out in Sarajevo. Their home was burned down and Voislav was forced to work for rebels.
Mejra had to flee with their children and spent some time in a Red Cross shelter in the basement of a bombed out building. Almost daily, artillery fire would cause mother and children to huddle together in fear. Mejra and the children were allowed to come to the United States as refugees, but Voislav wasn’t allowed to come for about three more years. After their tearful reunion, they had a new opportunity to rebuild their lives, enjoy their marriage, and raise their children.
We hope that your tough times are not as difficult as Voislav and Mejra, but tough times call for solid commitment to each other and to the principles of marriage. If you maintain your commitment to each other, tough times will pass, and your marriage will be stronger than ever.
Keep Praying – Everything in this life is temporary. God makes a great promise to keep our hard times short and to personally intervene to change them.
And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. (1 Peter 5:10)
We can’t tell you how God will intervene in your case, but you need to continue to hope in Him, asking Him for strength, peace, and joy.
Paul urges us to be tough in tough times and to keep our eyes on the things that matter most.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4: 17-18)
Keep your eyes on God’s eternal promises and thank Him that what you are going through is temporary.
You will find in the Bible many examples of people who endured tough times through faith in God.
Look For the Open Door – God makes a remarkable promise.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
It takes a powerful and caring God to make that promise. He knows what is coming before it happens, knows what you are able to bear, and has the power to limit or change what comes your way.
He says that He will provide a way out. That means there will always be a right thing to do in every situation.
Some people, trying to be philosophical, imagine situations in which a person’s only choices are evil. You may be able to imagine such a situation, but God promises that you will never be in one. There will be a right thing to do! There will be a way out. You might imagine a room with no doors, but a good contractor will never build you one.
If you are in the middle of a tough situation, ask God what He wants you to do. Pray together diligently until you know you have the answer.
Let Go of Anything But Your Commitment – The decisions we make when we face tough choices reveal our character. Satan thought Job would curse God if times got tough. God knew better. If you have to move, change jobs, sell something, or ask for help, in order to get through, do what it takes. But never back down on your commitment to each other and to the Lord.
Keep Hope and Thanksgiving – You will never be in a situation where there isn’t something to thank God for. Don’t allow trouble to drown out a positive, hopeful, thankful atmosphere in your marriage.
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
Talk About It – Discuss what you would consider the biggest challenge your marriage faces right now. What can you do to overcome this challenge and strengthen your marriage?
Friday, March 27, 2009
8 – Restoring Broken Trust
Irresponsibility – Jenny seemed to always have some rebellious behavior to lapse into from time to time. Most days she would be reasonable and responsible, but every month or two, she wanted to do something bad. As she had matured, she chose safer bad behavior, but still had to have her occasional day as a rebel. When she was young, she would be promiscuous, but she put that behind her when she got married. For a while, she would lapse into drunken binges. She gave that up, but now turned to bulimia and spending sprees that left their credit card accounts at their maximum.
Irresponsible behavior can greatly damage trust and respect in a marriage. Some examples include:
• Substance abuse
• Uncontrolled spending, especially when it violates what the two of you agreed upon
• Unexplained absence from the home
• Refusal to take a reasonable share of adult responsibility
If your spouse is being irresponsible, you need to confront it, but don’t imagine that simply yelling at your spouse will bring a solution. You may be facing an issue that has deep roots, and a big fight will probably not help.
Begin by finding a good time to talk about the problem. If your spouse comes home drunk, you will need to wait until they are sober to talk constructively about it. If you are both angry, you need to give yourselves some time to calm down. Don’t put it off too long. You may feel a little better the morning after a problem and imagine that the problem has gone away, but it hasn’t.
Agree on reasonable behavior, keeping in mind that your personalities are different. For example, you may agree that it is reasonable to come home an hour later than expected, but unreasonable to be hours late or gone overnight without a phone call and an explanation. Agreeing on reasonable behavior will be difficult if your spouse is denying their behavior or its consequences. However, if in a sober, calm, moment you can both agree on what is reasonable for married people, it will help the next time you need to confront irresponsible behavior.
Get help if needed. Meeting together with a pastor or counselor may help by giving a neutral opinion on what is reasonable and responsible. Some people have large mood swings that alter their behavior, but may find help from a physician.
For severe issues that don’t get resolved, we’d recommend a separation approach similar to what we described above for abuse. If you separate, make reconciliation your goal and give your spouse a written list of what it will take to be reconciled.
Infidelity – Some people think of infidelity in their spouse as the one thing their marriage could never recover from. When we give ourselves in marriage to each other in front of friends and family, and promise to be faithful, we expect our partner to be faithful. Infidelity is truly a horrible wound in a marriage, but marriages do sometimes recover from it. Other marriages are dissolved and still others choose to stay together, but live in pain without ever really recovering.
The steps to recovering trust, if it has been broken, are,
1) Honesty – Whoever cheated needs to tell the truth. If the cheating partner is still lying about it, there can be no recovery. It will still take some time for the person who has been cheated on to be sure they can believe their spouse.
2) Repentance – This means to turn away from sin, and includes taking responsibility for your actions. The cheating partner may also need to get some help to clearly see what went wrong in their thinking that led to infidelity. If the cheating partner is still making excuses, or blaming someone else, they haven’t truly repented.
3) Forgiveness – Forgiveness is a choice to let go of the anger and resentment you feel. The person who has been cheated on must choose to forgive. Because many things can trigger our feelings, you may find that you have to let go of your bitter feelings again and again. As you continually choose to let go of bitter feelings, the grip they have on you will grow weaker. The Bible tells us, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13). If you refuse to forgive the past, then you are going to stay stuck in the pain of the past.
4) Restoration of Trust – While forgiveness can be offered right away by choosing to forgive, trust takes time to rebuild. Trust is based on trustworthy behavior. Someone who has recently been unfaithful should expect and accept more questions and checking of their truthfulness. This is part of the rebuilding process. If you take offense at those extra questions, you have not really taken responsibility for what you have done. If your heart has genuinely changed, your spouse can only see your changed heart by your changed behavior. If your spouse wants to look at your cell phone to see who you have been calling, don’t take offense. Give it time. Genuine trust will not be rebuilt overnight, but it can be rebuilt.
5) Restoration of Mutual Respect – When a relationship has been restored, the pain and the mistrust need to be put in the past. You need to reach a point when you stop bringing up the past. If you go through life treating the cheater as if they “owe” you or as if they can never really be trusted and respected, you will never have a truly healthy relationship. If you keep returning to the pain of the past, you cannot escape it. You will also be stuck in the past if you connect minor offenses in the present (He left his dirty socks on the bedroom floor) with major offenses of the past (He cheated on me).
A couple with rebuilt mutual respect may even find that they have a depth in their relationship that they never had before.
Talk About It – Has trust ever been broken in your relationship? To what extent has it been rebuilt?
Irresponsible behavior can greatly damage trust and respect in a marriage. Some examples include:
• Substance abuse
• Uncontrolled spending, especially when it violates what the two of you agreed upon
• Unexplained absence from the home
• Refusal to take a reasonable share of adult responsibility
If your spouse is being irresponsible, you need to confront it, but don’t imagine that simply yelling at your spouse will bring a solution. You may be facing an issue that has deep roots, and a big fight will probably not help.
Begin by finding a good time to talk about the problem. If your spouse comes home drunk, you will need to wait until they are sober to talk constructively about it. If you are both angry, you need to give yourselves some time to calm down. Don’t put it off too long. You may feel a little better the morning after a problem and imagine that the problem has gone away, but it hasn’t.
Agree on reasonable behavior, keeping in mind that your personalities are different. For example, you may agree that it is reasonable to come home an hour later than expected, but unreasonable to be hours late or gone overnight without a phone call and an explanation. Agreeing on reasonable behavior will be difficult if your spouse is denying their behavior or its consequences. However, if in a sober, calm, moment you can both agree on what is reasonable for married people, it will help the next time you need to confront irresponsible behavior.
Get help if needed. Meeting together with a pastor or counselor may help by giving a neutral opinion on what is reasonable and responsible. Some people have large mood swings that alter their behavior, but may find help from a physician.
For severe issues that don’t get resolved, we’d recommend a separation approach similar to what we described above for abuse. If you separate, make reconciliation your goal and give your spouse a written list of what it will take to be reconciled.
Infidelity – Some people think of infidelity in their spouse as the one thing their marriage could never recover from. When we give ourselves in marriage to each other in front of friends and family, and promise to be faithful, we expect our partner to be faithful. Infidelity is truly a horrible wound in a marriage, but marriages do sometimes recover from it. Other marriages are dissolved and still others choose to stay together, but live in pain without ever really recovering.
The steps to recovering trust, if it has been broken, are,
1) Honesty – Whoever cheated needs to tell the truth. If the cheating partner is still lying about it, there can be no recovery. It will still take some time for the person who has been cheated on to be sure they can believe their spouse.
2) Repentance – This means to turn away from sin, and includes taking responsibility for your actions. The cheating partner may also need to get some help to clearly see what went wrong in their thinking that led to infidelity. If the cheating partner is still making excuses, or blaming someone else, they haven’t truly repented.
3) Forgiveness – Forgiveness is a choice to let go of the anger and resentment you feel. The person who has been cheated on must choose to forgive. Because many things can trigger our feelings, you may find that you have to let go of your bitter feelings again and again. As you continually choose to let go of bitter feelings, the grip they have on you will grow weaker. The Bible tells us, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13). If you refuse to forgive the past, then you are going to stay stuck in the pain of the past.
4) Restoration of Trust – While forgiveness can be offered right away by choosing to forgive, trust takes time to rebuild. Trust is based on trustworthy behavior. Someone who has recently been unfaithful should expect and accept more questions and checking of their truthfulness. This is part of the rebuilding process. If you take offense at those extra questions, you have not really taken responsibility for what you have done. If your heart has genuinely changed, your spouse can only see your changed heart by your changed behavior. If your spouse wants to look at your cell phone to see who you have been calling, don’t take offense. Give it time. Genuine trust will not be rebuilt overnight, but it can be rebuilt.
5) Restoration of Mutual Respect – When a relationship has been restored, the pain and the mistrust need to be put in the past. You need to reach a point when you stop bringing up the past. If you go through life treating the cheater as if they “owe” you or as if they can never really be trusted and respected, you will never have a truly healthy relationship. If you keep returning to the pain of the past, you cannot escape it. You will also be stuck in the past if you connect minor offenses in the present (He left his dirty socks on the bedroom floor) with major offenses of the past (He cheated on me).
A couple with rebuilt mutual respect may even find that they have a depth in their relationship that they never had before.
Talk About It – Has trust ever been broken in your relationship? To what extent has it been rebuilt?
7 – For Worse
Jake was at it again. It was almost two in the morning and he still wasn’t home. Sharon was pretty sure he would be at the bar or on his way home, but at times like this she always wondered if he was in the hospital or jail. She was afraid to hear the phone ring. She would be somewhat relieved to hear him drive into the driveway, but not fully relieved until she knew whether he was ready to go to sleep or was angry about something and ready to terrorize her and the kids. She and the kids always kept a bag packed in case they needed to get away quickly. She kept the phone close by, in case she had to call for help. She could doze a little, but could seldom really sleep. And for what seemed like the thousandth time, she thought about leaving Jake.
Jake hadn’t been like this when they married. He seemed loving and kind. They had rejoiced together when their children had been born. Where had things gone wrong?
What do you do if your marriage isn’t what you thought it was going to be? In this chapter and the next we want to talk about several categories of challenges.
Abuse – Abuse, whether verbal or physical, violates the very purpose of marriage. We were given to each other to help each other and build each other up. Abuse tears a person down.
No one should be expected to live in an abusive relationship. As we explained before, we believe that this is an appropriate situation for applying this passage:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
If you are going to separate from your spouse, you need to do it with a door open toward reconciliation. If you separate, we believe you should give your spouse a written list of expectations of what it would take to get back together. You don’t need to make it easy. Include a time period during which trust can be rebuilt. For example, you may want to ask for six months of regular counseling or classes, some done individually and some with the two of you together.
If you need a no contact order during this time, that is your right. However, sometimes people will use a no contact order as a form of manipulation. They may invite their spouse over, in violation of the order, and then call the police on their spouse if something upsets them or they don’t get their way.
Some people will tell you to give up on a marriage in which there has been abuse. They will tell you an abuser will always return to abusive behavior. Certainly there are many examples of people who return to bad behavior, but we know that people can be set free from being abusive.
Terry and Theresa got in a big fight. He chased her through their mobile home park, threatening her life. His parents sided with him and welcomed him into their home. Her parents sided with her and welcomed her into their home. The police told her they would be happy to help her with a no contact order. An attorney told her she would be happy to help Theresa get a divorce. We were the only ones talking to Terry and Theresa about reconciliation. We helped Terry discover that the root of his behavior was being abused by some relatives as a child. He learned better ways of dealing with the frustration that is inevitable in marriage. They were reconciled and have now had several years of successful marriage.
Major Conflict – In marriage there are thousands of opportunities for minor conflict, such as, whether the toilet seat is up or down and where the dirty socks go. But there are a few opportunities for major conflict. You may disagree about where you will live, whether you will try to have more children, and who will work.
We believe that marriage should be based on mutual respect, and that major decisions shouldn’t be made without both partners being in agreement. If you can’t agree on a major decision, we recommend that you pray about it together, daily, until you are both in agreement. We have practiced this ourselves for several major decisions in our lives. We found that when we pray persistently, we not only come into agreement with each other, but we gain the peace of knowing that we are following God’s will.
We once decided to spend a season of our lives living in a tough neighborhood as volunteers for an inner city ministry. We left a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood that we had lived in for 19 years and moved to a different state. It was not an easy decision. However, because we spent several weeks praying diligently before we made this decision, we made the move with peace and harmony.
Some couples find it hard to pray together. In some cases, one may be comfortable praying aloud with their spouse while the other finds it difficult. We’ll say more about developing a prayer life together in chapter 14.
Waiting on major decisions until you are in agreement takes respect for each other and trust in God to lead you. However, if you will exercise patience and faith, we are convinced you will be pleased with the results.
Talk About It – Are there major issues in your marriage that you have not dealt with? Is there something you need to get help with from a pastor or a counselor?
Jake hadn’t been like this when they married. He seemed loving and kind. They had rejoiced together when their children had been born. Where had things gone wrong?
What do you do if your marriage isn’t what you thought it was going to be? In this chapter and the next we want to talk about several categories of challenges.
Abuse – Abuse, whether verbal or physical, violates the very purpose of marriage. We were given to each other to help each other and build each other up. Abuse tears a person down.
No one should be expected to live in an abusive relationship. As we explained before, we believe that this is an appropriate situation for applying this passage:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
If you are going to separate from your spouse, you need to do it with a door open toward reconciliation. If you separate, we believe you should give your spouse a written list of expectations of what it would take to get back together. You don’t need to make it easy. Include a time period during which trust can be rebuilt. For example, you may want to ask for six months of regular counseling or classes, some done individually and some with the two of you together.
If you need a no contact order during this time, that is your right. However, sometimes people will use a no contact order as a form of manipulation. They may invite their spouse over, in violation of the order, and then call the police on their spouse if something upsets them or they don’t get their way.
Some people will tell you to give up on a marriage in which there has been abuse. They will tell you an abuser will always return to abusive behavior. Certainly there are many examples of people who return to bad behavior, but we know that people can be set free from being abusive.
Terry and Theresa got in a big fight. He chased her through their mobile home park, threatening her life. His parents sided with him and welcomed him into their home. Her parents sided with her and welcomed her into their home. The police told her they would be happy to help her with a no contact order. An attorney told her she would be happy to help Theresa get a divorce. We were the only ones talking to Terry and Theresa about reconciliation. We helped Terry discover that the root of his behavior was being abused by some relatives as a child. He learned better ways of dealing with the frustration that is inevitable in marriage. They were reconciled and have now had several years of successful marriage.
Major Conflict – In marriage there are thousands of opportunities for minor conflict, such as, whether the toilet seat is up or down and where the dirty socks go. But there are a few opportunities for major conflict. You may disagree about where you will live, whether you will try to have more children, and who will work.
We believe that marriage should be based on mutual respect, and that major decisions shouldn’t be made without both partners being in agreement. If you can’t agree on a major decision, we recommend that you pray about it together, daily, until you are both in agreement. We have practiced this ourselves for several major decisions in our lives. We found that when we pray persistently, we not only come into agreement with each other, but we gain the peace of knowing that we are following God’s will.
We once decided to spend a season of our lives living in a tough neighborhood as volunteers for an inner city ministry. We left a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood that we had lived in for 19 years and moved to a different state. It was not an easy decision. However, because we spent several weeks praying diligently before we made this decision, we made the move with peace and harmony.
Some couples find it hard to pray together. In some cases, one may be comfortable praying aloud with their spouse while the other finds it difficult. We’ll say more about developing a prayer life together in chapter 14.
Waiting on major decisions until you are in agreement takes respect for each other and trust in God to lead you. However, if you will exercise patience and faith, we are convinced you will be pleased with the results.
Talk About It – Are there major issues in your marriage that you have not dealt with? Is there something you need to get help with from a pastor or a counselor?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
6 – For Better
When Ted finished high school, he was happy to get a job at the local factory. He was a blue collar guy, carried his lunch pail, and worked hard. He pictured himself staying in that job until he retired. He enjoyed life with his wife and kids, and found time to fish and hunt.
As Ted grew in his job, others began to rely on him for help and direction. He began to realize that he was smarter than he had thought when he struggled through high school. When he was offered the opportunity to be a manager and wear a shirt and tie to work, something shifted dramatically in his self image. He saw himself as smart and important. He began to look at his wife, and even his kids, as being beneath him.
At social events with his co-workers Ted began to think another woman was attracted to him. She was smart and pretty and he looked at her as being in a different league from his wife. Flirtation led to an affair and the affair led to a divorce. Ted tried to begin a new life with the other woman, but found that happiness with her was only a mirage. She could never really trust him, because she saw him as a man who would leave his wife. After all, he had left his wife to be with her.
Sometimes success in life destroys a marriage. There are women who have worked to get their husband through medical school, only to be dumped for another woman after her husband became established in his career. There are men who encouraged their wives to pursue education or career, and were left when their wives began to gain newfound confidence.
The key to avoiding this pitfall is seeing yourself and your spouse as God sees you. God has taught us not to put ourselves or anyone else in classes or leagues. He has taught us not to think of ourselves as better than anyone else. He has taught us that we are all gifted and we are all loved. If you see yourself as gifted and loved by God now, encountering success later won’t make your head inflate. You will recognize that your gifts came from God and the doors you walked through were opened by Him.
When Paul writes about using our gifts to serve others, he first warns us not to have an inflated view of ourselves.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. (Romans 12:3)
Later in the same chapter he shows us that we need to ignore the barriers that often separate people, and to treat everyone with respect.
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:16)
You need to nurture a healthy attitude toward your spouse, viewing him or her as the one God has given to you to help you in this life. Adam had the benefit of having no one else to compare Eve to, other than the animals.
So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. (Genesis 2:20-22)
Since Adam could only compare Eve with porcupines and lizards, he would have been in awe of her. We can each maintain that awe if we keep a humble view of ourselves and a grateful attitude toward the One who gave us our spouse.
In Malachi the Lord tells us that He hates divorce. He says,
Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (Malachi 2:13-16)
God is speaking to us married folks when He says twice, “guard yourself in your spirit.” There are many wrong attitudes to guard ourselves against, and thinking we have become too good for our spouse is one of them.
In verse 14 He says, “she is your partner.”
The Hebrew word for partner “chabereth” is from a root word “chabar”, which means to unite. If we are partners, then whatever success, failure, hardship, and joy we face in life belongs to both of us. If things come along that are “better” than we were expecting, we should enjoy them together.
Talk About It – Since you married, what has been better than you expected? What effect did it have on your marriage?
As Ted grew in his job, others began to rely on him for help and direction. He began to realize that he was smarter than he had thought when he struggled through high school. When he was offered the opportunity to be a manager and wear a shirt and tie to work, something shifted dramatically in his self image. He saw himself as smart and important. He began to look at his wife, and even his kids, as being beneath him.
At social events with his co-workers Ted began to think another woman was attracted to him. She was smart and pretty and he looked at her as being in a different league from his wife. Flirtation led to an affair and the affair led to a divorce. Ted tried to begin a new life with the other woman, but found that happiness with her was only a mirage. She could never really trust him, because she saw him as a man who would leave his wife. After all, he had left his wife to be with her.
Sometimes success in life destroys a marriage. There are women who have worked to get their husband through medical school, only to be dumped for another woman after her husband became established in his career. There are men who encouraged their wives to pursue education or career, and were left when their wives began to gain newfound confidence.
The key to avoiding this pitfall is seeing yourself and your spouse as God sees you. God has taught us not to put ourselves or anyone else in classes or leagues. He has taught us not to think of ourselves as better than anyone else. He has taught us that we are all gifted and we are all loved. If you see yourself as gifted and loved by God now, encountering success later won’t make your head inflate. You will recognize that your gifts came from God and the doors you walked through were opened by Him.
When Paul writes about using our gifts to serve others, he first warns us not to have an inflated view of ourselves.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. (Romans 12:3)
Later in the same chapter he shows us that we need to ignore the barriers that often separate people, and to treat everyone with respect.
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:16)
You need to nurture a healthy attitude toward your spouse, viewing him or her as the one God has given to you to help you in this life. Adam had the benefit of having no one else to compare Eve to, other than the animals.
So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. (Genesis 2:20-22)
Since Adam could only compare Eve with porcupines and lizards, he would have been in awe of her. We can each maintain that awe if we keep a humble view of ourselves and a grateful attitude toward the One who gave us our spouse.
In Malachi the Lord tells us that He hates divorce. He says,
Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (Malachi 2:13-16)
God is speaking to us married folks when He says twice, “guard yourself in your spirit.” There are many wrong attitudes to guard ourselves against, and thinking we have become too good for our spouse is one of them.
In verse 14 He says, “she is your partner.”
The Hebrew word for partner “chabereth” is from a root word “chabar”, which means to unite. If we are partners, then whatever success, failure, hardship, and joy we face in life belongs to both of us. If things come along that are “better” than we were expecting, we should enjoy them together.
Talk About It – Since you married, what has been better than you expected? What effect did it have on your marriage?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
5 – Keeping Your Promise
God Leads Forward – If you get hopelessly lost in the forest, there is still a way to get from where you are to where you need to be. If someone who knows every path in the forest came to your side to help you, they would be able to show you the best way. God knows the best way forward from where you are now. If you’ll obey Him, He will show you that path. He has no interest in ridiculing you for getting lost, and He’s not ready to give up on you. He’s ready to put the past in the past.
If you hurt a friend or a relative, they may forgive you, but continue to remind you of what you did. They may use your past wrongs as leverage in the future. God not only forgives sin, He forgets it, and develops a new plan to get you from where you are to where He wants you to be. Here are some great Scriptures that show God’s heart.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12)
My offenses will be sealed up in a bag; you will cover over my sin. (Job 14:17)
You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:19)
In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. (Isaiah 38:17)
Does it sound like God has any further interest in your sin after He forgives you? Does He want to remind you of them? He has truly put them in the past.
God has a great future for you. If you have made a bad decision in the past, God doesn’t want to dwell on it or remind you of it. He wants you to confess it, be forgiven, learn from it, and let Him lead you in the right direction from here.
Maybe you did make poor decisions at the time you were married. Maybe you weren’t listening to God or anyone else. God’s plan now, though, is to make a good marriage out of the mess you may have created.
God Expects Us to Keep Our Vows – Joshua, when he was Israel’s leader, made a covenant that he never would have made if he had asked God first. The Gibeonites wanted to make a peace treaty with him, agreeing to protect each other from enemies. Joshua had been told not to make treaties with the people who had been living in the Promised Land, so the Gibeonites lied about where they were from. They said that they lived far away. They put on old shoes and said they were new when they left home. They took old moldy bread and said it was hot out of the oven when they started their journey from home.
The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the LORD. Then Joshua made a treaty of peace with them… (Joshua 9:14-15)
Joshua made a treaty without praying and with people who had lied to him. Surely this treaty wasn’t God’s will. But, did God want Joshua to keep his word? It’s amazing to learn that God not only expected Joshua to keep it, but He expected the leaders of Israel for hundreds of years to continue to keep that treaty.
When neighboring kings heard about the treaty, they attacked Gibeon. Joshua and his entire army came to the aid of Gibeon and God helped them to defeat five kings that had joined forces against them. God was so involved in this battle that He threw hailstones on the enemy and made the sun stand still to give Joshua time to finish the battle. Joshua summarizes:
There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the LORD listened to a man. Surely the LORD was fighting for Israel! (Joshua 10:14)
About 400 years later David didn’t understand why times were hard:
During the reign of David, there was a famine for three successive years; so David sought the face of the LORD. The LORD said, "It is on account of Saul and his blood-stained house; it is because he put the Gibeonites to death." (2 Samuel 21:1)
It looks like the covenant that Joshua made was serious business to God. Saul was king before David and had broken the covenant, killing some of the Gibeonites. During David’s time God sent a famine to force Israel to make things right with the Gibeonites.
If you have made a vow, even one you shouldn’t have made, God wants you to keep it. He may do something as drastic as making the sun stand still to help you keep it.
Our point is that God wants you to commit yourself to your marriage. He wants you to work hard at your marriage, and He wants to bring good out of it. Even if I made a mistake getting on a ship when it sailed, jumping overboard would be a bad decision. Staying on the ship and making the most of the trip will be my wisest choice.
Talk About It – Since you married, have you reinforced the commitment you made to each other? Or, have you questioned your commitment and talked about divorce? Discuss what you can do to strengthen the confidence you each have in the commitment of the other.
If you hurt a friend or a relative, they may forgive you, but continue to remind you of what you did. They may use your past wrongs as leverage in the future. God not only forgives sin, He forgets it, and develops a new plan to get you from where you are to where He wants you to be. Here are some great Scriptures that show God’s heart.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12)
My offenses will be sealed up in a bag; you will cover over my sin. (Job 14:17)
You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:19)
In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back. (Isaiah 38:17)
Does it sound like God has any further interest in your sin after He forgives you? Does He want to remind you of them? He has truly put them in the past.
God has a great future for you. If you have made a bad decision in the past, God doesn’t want to dwell on it or remind you of it. He wants you to confess it, be forgiven, learn from it, and let Him lead you in the right direction from here.
Maybe you did make poor decisions at the time you were married. Maybe you weren’t listening to God or anyone else. God’s plan now, though, is to make a good marriage out of the mess you may have created.
God Expects Us to Keep Our Vows – Joshua, when he was Israel’s leader, made a covenant that he never would have made if he had asked God first. The Gibeonites wanted to make a peace treaty with him, agreeing to protect each other from enemies. Joshua had been told not to make treaties with the people who had been living in the Promised Land, so the Gibeonites lied about where they were from. They said that they lived far away. They put on old shoes and said they were new when they left home. They took old moldy bread and said it was hot out of the oven when they started their journey from home.
The men of Israel sampled their provisions but did not inquire of the LORD. Then Joshua made a treaty of peace with them… (Joshua 9:14-15)
Joshua made a treaty without praying and with people who had lied to him. Surely this treaty wasn’t God’s will. But, did God want Joshua to keep his word? It’s amazing to learn that God not only expected Joshua to keep it, but He expected the leaders of Israel for hundreds of years to continue to keep that treaty.
When neighboring kings heard about the treaty, they attacked Gibeon. Joshua and his entire army came to the aid of Gibeon and God helped them to defeat five kings that had joined forces against them. God was so involved in this battle that He threw hailstones on the enemy and made the sun stand still to give Joshua time to finish the battle. Joshua summarizes:
There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the LORD listened to a man. Surely the LORD was fighting for Israel! (Joshua 10:14)
About 400 years later David didn’t understand why times were hard:
During the reign of David, there was a famine for three successive years; so David sought the face of the LORD. The LORD said, "It is on account of Saul and his blood-stained house; it is because he put the Gibeonites to death." (2 Samuel 21:1)
It looks like the covenant that Joshua made was serious business to God. Saul was king before David and had broken the covenant, killing some of the Gibeonites. During David’s time God sent a famine to force Israel to make things right with the Gibeonites.
If you have made a vow, even one you shouldn’t have made, God wants you to keep it. He may do something as drastic as making the sun stand still to help you keep it.
Our point is that God wants you to commit yourself to your marriage. He wants you to work hard at your marriage, and He wants to bring good out of it. Even if I made a mistake getting on a ship when it sailed, jumping overboard would be a bad decision. Staying on the ship and making the most of the trip will be my wisest choice.
Talk About It – Since you married, have you reinforced the commitment you made to each other? Or, have you questioned your commitment and talked about divorce? Discuss what you can do to strengthen the confidence you each have in the commitment of the other.
Monday, March 23, 2009
4 - The Right Person
I was talking with Pete about some of the trouble he was having at home. He surprised me when he said, “Maybe I married the wrong person.”
If you’ve ever wondered if you married the wrong person, we want to try to help you stop asking that question. This book is written for couples who are legally married. If you are married, God wants you to honor your vows. Frequently, we talk to couples whose marriages have gotten tough. Once you are married, though, it isn’t useful to ask if you married the wrong person. Once a ship has sailed, if you are on it, you need to stay on it.
Which of the following most accurately describes you?
· When you married, you were following God’s guidance. You were sure then and you are sure now that you married the person God wanted you to.
· When you married, you weren’t paying attention to God. You married the person you wanted, but you can see now that this really was God’s plan.
· You used to think you married the right person, but as marriage has gotten difficult, you began to think you may have married the wrong person.
· You weren’t following God when you got married and you don’t believe He would have told you to marry who you did if you had asked Him.
In any of these cases, we urge you to honor your vows. In this chapter and the next, there are three things we’d like you to see about God.
· He is a Redeemer who fixes things that are broken. If your marriage is a mess, God can fix it.
· He leads forward, finding the right path from wherever we may have gotten off track to where He wants to lead us.
· He expects us to keep our vows, even if they weren’t His will in the first place.
If you can see these three truths, our hope is that you will quit asking whether you married the right person and will give your whole heart to making your marriage all it can be.
God Fixes Things That Are Broken – The Bible shows us that God is a Redeemer and a Restorer. If your life is a mess, give it to Him to repair. Here is God speaking in the book of Isaiah.
I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him. (Isaiah 57: 18)
There are many Christian couples who can tell you about great changes that happened in their marriages when they began to listen to God and obey Him.
Bill and Denise had a very rocky seven years at the beginning of their marriage. Bill was an alcoholic and could not be counted on for much of anything. He wouldn’t usually be home when he said he would and he had a hard time keeping a job. Denise mostly lived in pain, but at times sought comfort in an affair with another man. This marriage seemed hopeless.
Bad marriages grow from bad roots. Bill’s parents had divorced when he was six, and he had always thought of himself as a hopeless victim. He began drinking heavily when he was only a teenager. He had been sober for a while when he married Denise, and he seemed pretty optimistic then.
Denise hardly knew her real father. Her mother married her step-dad when Denise was 11 years old. Her step-dad was always harsh with her and she treated him with disrespect. Her mother usually sided with her step-dad, and Denise kept as much distance from her parents as she could. She was only 16 when she met Bill, and barely 17 when he offered to marry her. She was so eager to get out of her house, marrying someone who said he loved her seemed like a dream.
Family members dressed up for the occasion and Bill and Denise had a nice little wedding. They found a pastor to do the service. They liked him and went to his church a few times after they were married.
But Bill and Denise had no idea how to be husband and wife. They didn’t have any good examples to follow, and they hadn’t learned how to be married from anyone else. As life got tough, Bill began to drink and things got worse from there.
One day, in their seventh year of marriage, Bill was drinking and driving and was pulled over and taken to jail. While he was in the county jail, a pastor stopped by and Bill got a chance to talk with him. The pastor reminded Bill a lot of the man who had done their wedding nearly seven years earlier. He explained to Bill that God could forgive everything he had done, because Jesus had paid for his sins when Jesus died on the cross. The pastor also explained what it means to give your life to the Lord. Bill prayed with the pastor and asked God to forgive him and take over his life.
Amazingly, while Bill was in jail, Denise called an old Christian friend she had known since high school. Denise poured out her whole story of Bill’s drinking and her own infidelity. Her friend urged Denise to ask Jesus to come into her heart and forgive her sins. She did.
Bill and Denise devoted themselves to learn what God wanted them to do with their lives and their marriage. They forgave each other for past sins, and developed a solid marriage. Bill and Denise have been happily married for many years now and have been able to help many other couples.
Talk About It – How do you each view your marriage right now? Is it what you expected when you married? Do you think your marriage is like God’s plan for marriage? In what areas would you like to see your marriage improve?
If you’ve ever wondered if you married the wrong person, we want to try to help you stop asking that question. This book is written for couples who are legally married. If you are married, God wants you to honor your vows. Frequently, we talk to couples whose marriages have gotten tough. Once you are married, though, it isn’t useful to ask if you married the wrong person. Once a ship has sailed, if you are on it, you need to stay on it.
Which of the following most accurately describes you?
· When you married, you were following God’s guidance. You were sure then and you are sure now that you married the person God wanted you to.
· When you married, you weren’t paying attention to God. You married the person you wanted, but you can see now that this really was God’s plan.
· You used to think you married the right person, but as marriage has gotten difficult, you began to think you may have married the wrong person.
· You weren’t following God when you got married and you don’t believe He would have told you to marry who you did if you had asked Him.
In any of these cases, we urge you to honor your vows. In this chapter and the next, there are three things we’d like you to see about God.
· He is a Redeemer who fixes things that are broken. If your marriage is a mess, God can fix it.
· He leads forward, finding the right path from wherever we may have gotten off track to where He wants to lead us.
· He expects us to keep our vows, even if they weren’t His will in the first place.
If you can see these three truths, our hope is that you will quit asking whether you married the right person and will give your whole heart to making your marriage all it can be.
God Fixes Things That Are Broken – The Bible shows us that God is a Redeemer and a Restorer. If your life is a mess, give it to Him to repair. Here is God speaking in the book of Isaiah.
I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him. (Isaiah 57: 18)
There are many Christian couples who can tell you about great changes that happened in their marriages when they began to listen to God and obey Him.
Bill and Denise had a very rocky seven years at the beginning of their marriage. Bill was an alcoholic and could not be counted on for much of anything. He wouldn’t usually be home when he said he would and he had a hard time keeping a job. Denise mostly lived in pain, but at times sought comfort in an affair with another man. This marriage seemed hopeless.
Bad marriages grow from bad roots. Bill’s parents had divorced when he was six, and he had always thought of himself as a hopeless victim. He began drinking heavily when he was only a teenager. He had been sober for a while when he married Denise, and he seemed pretty optimistic then.
Denise hardly knew her real father. Her mother married her step-dad when Denise was 11 years old. Her step-dad was always harsh with her and she treated him with disrespect. Her mother usually sided with her step-dad, and Denise kept as much distance from her parents as she could. She was only 16 when she met Bill, and barely 17 when he offered to marry her. She was so eager to get out of her house, marrying someone who said he loved her seemed like a dream.
Family members dressed up for the occasion and Bill and Denise had a nice little wedding. They found a pastor to do the service. They liked him and went to his church a few times after they were married.
But Bill and Denise had no idea how to be husband and wife. They didn’t have any good examples to follow, and they hadn’t learned how to be married from anyone else. As life got tough, Bill began to drink and things got worse from there.
One day, in their seventh year of marriage, Bill was drinking and driving and was pulled over and taken to jail. While he was in the county jail, a pastor stopped by and Bill got a chance to talk with him. The pastor reminded Bill a lot of the man who had done their wedding nearly seven years earlier. He explained to Bill that God could forgive everything he had done, because Jesus had paid for his sins when Jesus died on the cross. The pastor also explained what it means to give your life to the Lord. Bill prayed with the pastor and asked God to forgive him and take over his life.
Amazingly, while Bill was in jail, Denise called an old Christian friend she had known since high school. Denise poured out her whole story of Bill’s drinking and her own infidelity. Her friend urged Denise to ask Jesus to come into her heart and forgive her sins. She did.
Bill and Denise devoted themselves to learn what God wanted them to do with their lives and their marriage. They forgave each other for past sins, and developed a solid marriage. Bill and Denise have been happily married for many years now and have been able to help many other couples.
Talk About It – How do you each view your marriage right now? Is it what you expected when you married? Do you think your marriage is like God’s plan for marriage? In what areas would you like to see your marriage improve?
3 – Why Did I Get Married?
What was your reason for getting married? If you’re like many others, you may have had mostly selfish reasons for getting married and later discovered that you need to be unselfish to be successfully married. In fact, you need to be unselfish to enjoy life at all.
When you stood in front of family and friends and promised to love and cherish your spouse, you may not have realized it, but you were committing to an unselfish life. You can’t keep your promise to love and cherish another person while only being concerned about your own happiness. Furthermore, if you are only concerned with your own happiness, you will never be happy.
Men are commanded to love their wives in a Christ-like, sacrificial way.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25)
Women also need to love their husbands in an unselfish way.
This unselfishness begins by thinking about what it important to your spouse, how they view things, and what makes them happy.
Two people living selfish lives may find some fulfillment in each other for a while. They may enjoy each other’s company and marry with great hopes and dreams. But if they continue to live selfishly while married, their wishes will collide and they will find hundreds of reasons for conflict. They will each be unfulfilled and they will never meet each other’s selfish expectations. Many couples encounter this conflict and start to drift apart. They develop more independence in their marriage as a way of reducing the conflict, but this falls short of what God meant when He said that the two would become one.
A selfish person will always be insecure because they are trying to base their life on a lie; that they are the most important person on earth. Selfish people may put unattainable expectations on themselves to try to justify the pedestal they have placed themselves on. The selfish person will never feel like they measure up, even to their own expectations.
The person who always thinks of themselves as better than others has a lot in common with the person who always thinks of themselves as inferior. They are both focusing on themselves and comparing themselves with others. We should, instead, view ourselves and every other person as unique and all worthy of love.
If you accept the truth that everyone has value, you realize that you are valuable and that your spouse is valuable. You realize that you don’t have to earn genuine love and you aren’t waiting for your spouse to earn it. Married life gets much simpler and more enjoyable when you accept and value each other unconditionally and you make your spouse’s happiness as important as your own.
We are all commanded to live unselfish lives:
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)
As a married couple, you will have many daily opportunities to practice this command.
George Washington and the Continental Army spent six months camped at Valley Forge. There was no battle fought there, but historians regard those six months as the turning point of the war. An army of about 12,000 arrived poorly fed, ill-equipped, and weary from long marches. They built their own shelters and endured the winter together. The army included young teens and men in their 50s. They were white, black, and Native American. Maybe some of these soldiers had self centered dreams of glory when they joined General Washington’s army. But these men either became unselfish or they went home.
For a while, it looked as if they would all disband. They were poorly supplied and sometimes chanted, “No Meat!” or “No bread, no soldier!” While many soldiers at Valley Forge died of sickness and others deserted, the ones who endured the encampment were transformed into a disciplined, united army ready to do whatever it took to win the war. The winter at Valley Forge was a triumph of will. Washington’s army determined that they were soldiers, fighting for a cause greater than their own personal comfort. They were committed to the cause until the war was over.
Hopefully, your marriage will never be as challenging as the winter at Valley Forge, but we can guarantee that you will face challenges. Those challenges will force you to realize that you can’t succeed at marriage while being selfish. If you recognize that the success of your marriage means much more than your personal happiness, you will find the will to succeed.
Talk About It – What were your motives for getting married? What is the best example of your spouse showing you unselfish love?
When you stood in front of family and friends and promised to love and cherish your spouse, you may not have realized it, but you were committing to an unselfish life. You can’t keep your promise to love and cherish another person while only being concerned about your own happiness. Furthermore, if you are only concerned with your own happiness, you will never be happy.
Men are commanded to love their wives in a Christ-like, sacrificial way.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25)
Women also need to love their husbands in an unselfish way.
This unselfishness begins by thinking about what it important to your spouse, how they view things, and what makes them happy.
Two people living selfish lives may find some fulfillment in each other for a while. They may enjoy each other’s company and marry with great hopes and dreams. But if they continue to live selfishly while married, their wishes will collide and they will find hundreds of reasons for conflict. They will each be unfulfilled and they will never meet each other’s selfish expectations. Many couples encounter this conflict and start to drift apart. They develop more independence in their marriage as a way of reducing the conflict, but this falls short of what God meant when He said that the two would become one.
A selfish person will always be insecure because they are trying to base their life on a lie; that they are the most important person on earth. Selfish people may put unattainable expectations on themselves to try to justify the pedestal they have placed themselves on. The selfish person will never feel like they measure up, even to their own expectations.
The person who always thinks of themselves as better than others has a lot in common with the person who always thinks of themselves as inferior. They are both focusing on themselves and comparing themselves with others. We should, instead, view ourselves and every other person as unique and all worthy of love.
If you accept the truth that everyone has value, you realize that you are valuable and that your spouse is valuable. You realize that you don’t have to earn genuine love and you aren’t waiting for your spouse to earn it. Married life gets much simpler and more enjoyable when you accept and value each other unconditionally and you make your spouse’s happiness as important as your own.
We are all commanded to live unselfish lives:
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4)
As a married couple, you will have many daily opportunities to practice this command.
George Washington and the Continental Army spent six months camped at Valley Forge. There was no battle fought there, but historians regard those six months as the turning point of the war. An army of about 12,000 arrived poorly fed, ill-equipped, and weary from long marches. They built their own shelters and endured the winter together. The army included young teens and men in their 50s. They were white, black, and Native American. Maybe some of these soldiers had self centered dreams of glory when they joined General Washington’s army. But these men either became unselfish or they went home.
For a while, it looked as if they would all disband. They were poorly supplied and sometimes chanted, “No Meat!” or “No bread, no soldier!” While many soldiers at Valley Forge died of sickness and others deserted, the ones who endured the encampment were transformed into a disciplined, united army ready to do whatever it took to win the war. The winter at Valley Forge was a triumph of will. Washington’s army determined that they were soldiers, fighting for a cause greater than their own personal comfort. They were committed to the cause until the war was over.
Hopefully, your marriage will never be as challenging as the winter at Valley Forge, but we can guarantee that you will face challenges. Those challenges will force you to realize that you can’t succeed at marriage while being selfish. If you recognize that the success of your marriage means much more than your personal happiness, you will find the will to succeed.
Talk About It – What were your motives for getting married? What is the best example of your spouse showing you unselfish love?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
2 - Commitment
Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (Matthew 19:6)
Jesus made this statement to show that marriages are meant to be permanent, as long as the husband and wife are both living. When people marry, they usually have a mental picture of their future lives together. They have probably talked about short-term plans and long-term dreams. However, life is unpredictable. God knows the future, but He has chosen to only show some of it to us. We will experience things we never imagined and see things in our spouse we didn’t know were there. We may have to change our plans and delay some of the dreams we had.
Commitment is a key ingredient in a marriage that will keep it together when life gets tough. Commitment in marriage should be seen first as obedience to God. Lack of commitment comes from selfishly putting our own short-term happiness ahead of obedience.
If you are happily married, your commitment may seldom, if ever, be challenged. But many marriages go through rocky times that test the commitment of both the man and the woman.
Some marriages fail because of a big break in trust, such as one person cheating on the other. Usually, though, the cheating didn’t start overnight. People worked up to it by failing to nurture their marriages. In many cases couples failed at the little day to day things that make a marriage work. Usually it takes a bad marriage to make a stupid decision like cheating on your spouse look like a good idea.
Reasons for Ending a Marriage - The purpose of this book is to encourage people to nurture their marriages, not to end them. However, we have to acknowledge that the Bible does offer justification for ending a marriage in certain circumstances.
Jesus shows that a person who is the victim of unfaithfulness can divorce and remarry.
I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. (Matthew 19:9)
If you are the victim of unfaithfulness, Jesus isn’t commanding you to divorce. Forgiveness and restoration is a better choice if you can do it and we’ll offer some help later on how to forgive and restore trust. But if your spouse refuses to honor their vows, you do have the right to divorce and remarry.
Paul also shows that the victim of abandonment is not bound by the marriage covenant.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Also, there are apparently situations in which separation is justified when divorce is not. Paul doesn’t explain what circumstances he was thinking of when he wrote:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
Verse 11 provides for a separation, without remarrying someone else, leaving open the possibility of reconciliation. This is what we would recommend in situations of abuse, alcoholism, or addiction. A person can separate, without ending the marriage, and make clear (by writing it down) what needs to change for the marriage to be restored to normal.
Please don’t end your marriage because you are bored, unfulfilled, or tired of life the way it is. You will have far more success building the marriage you have than you will chasing something else.
Bob and Frances had been married for seven years and have two small children. They both worked and were both frequently exhausted. They had always struggled to make ends meet. This led to frequent arguments about money. The romance in their marriage had seemed to fizzle in recent years. They hadn’t had a date night in over a year and hadn’t had a vacation for three years. Like many couples in their shoes, they started to toy with the idea of divorce. They each thought that they might find new joy in the company of someone else.
Could you advise them on how to renew their marriage? Of course you could. Successful marriage isn’t complicated, but it does take effort. You can probably also recognize that their divorce would hurt a lot of people, particularly their children. Their marriage is worth saving and working for.
There is much more in the coming chapters to help you nurture your marriage or to see it healed if it is damaged.
Talk About It – How clear were you on the idea of commitment when you said, “I do?” Of the married couples you know, who is the best example of commitment?
Jesus made this statement to show that marriages are meant to be permanent, as long as the husband and wife are both living. When people marry, they usually have a mental picture of their future lives together. They have probably talked about short-term plans and long-term dreams. However, life is unpredictable. God knows the future, but He has chosen to only show some of it to us. We will experience things we never imagined and see things in our spouse we didn’t know were there. We may have to change our plans and delay some of the dreams we had.
Commitment is a key ingredient in a marriage that will keep it together when life gets tough. Commitment in marriage should be seen first as obedience to God. Lack of commitment comes from selfishly putting our own short-term happiness ahead of obedience.
If you are happily married, your commitment may seldom, if ever, be challenged. But many marriages go through rocky times that test the commitment of both the man and the woman.
Some marriages fail because of a big break in trust, such as one person cheating on the other. Usually, though, the cheating didn’t start overnight. People worked up to it by failing to nurture their marriages. In many cases couples failed at the little day to day things that make a marriage work. Usually it takes a bad marriage to make a stupid decision like cheating on your spouse look like a good idea.
Reasons for Ending a Marriage - The purpose of this book is to encourage people to nurture their marriages, not to end them. However, we have to acknowledge that the Bible does offer justification for ending a marriage in certain circumstances.
Jesus shows that a person who is the victim of unfaithfulness can divorce and remarry.
I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. (Matthew 19:9)
If you are the victim of unfaithfulness, Jesus isn’t commanding you to divorce. Forgiveness and restoration is a better choice if you can do it and we’ll offer some help later on how to forgive and restore trust. But if your spouse refuses to honor their vows, you do have the right to divorce and remarry.
Paul also shows that the victim of abandonment is not bound by the marriage covenant.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Also, there are apparently situations in which separation is justified when divorce is not. Paul doesn’t explain what circumstances he was thinking of when he wrote:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
Verse 11 provides for a separation, without remarrying someone else, leaving open the possibility of reconciliation. This is what we would recommend in situations of abuse, alcoholism, or addiction. A person can separate, without ending the marriage, and make clear (by writing it down) what needs to change for the marriage to be restored to normal.
Please don’t end your marriage because you are bored, unfulfilled, or tired of life the way it is. You will have far more success building the marriage you have than you will chasing something else.
Bob and Frances had been married for seven years and have two small children. They both worked and were both frequently exhausted. They had always struggled to make ends meet. This led to frequent arguments about money. The romance in their marriage had seemed to fizzle in recent years. They hadn’t had a date night in over a year and hadn’t had a vacation for three years. Like many couples in their shoes, they started to toy with the idea of divorce. They each thought that they might find new joy in the company of someone else.
Could you advise them on how to renew their marriage? Of course you could. Successful marriage isn’t complicated, but it does take effort. You can probably also recognize that their divorce would hurt a lot of people, particularly their children. Their marriage is worth saving and working for.
There is much more in the coming chapters to help you nurture your marriage or to see it healed if it is damaged.
Talk About It – How clear were you on the idea of commitment when you said, “I do?” Of the married couples you know, who is the best example of commitment?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
1 – Why God Invented Marriage
Just a few moments after Pastor Royal pronounced us man and wife, Shirley said, “I don’t feel married.” The pastor just laughed and said, “Don’t worry, you will.” That was 1971. When we married, we were young and didn’t know that much about what we were doing. We hadn’t read any books on the subject, but we had good examples in our parents. God helped us and we learned how to be a married couple. We have enjoyed a great marriage and value our relationship over any possession or position we have ever had.
Marriage is as old as mankind. God invented it and explained it in the book of Genesis. God made a man and then said the man needed help. When God looked at Adam’s situation, it was the first time the Bible records God saying something was not good.
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18)
Don’t imagine that God meant to make someone merely to pick up Adam’s dirty socks. The Hebrew word ‘ezer, translated above as “helper” is a powerful term. It is often used to describe the help we get from God when we need to be rescued.
Why did the man need help? Why do you need help? If Adam had needed help moving a table, God would have made another man just like him. But, that isn’t the kind of help he needed.
All of us have strengths, but all of us also have weaknesses. We can benefit in many ways from someone who looks at life a little differently than we do. When God made woman, He intentionally made her different from man in many ways, while making her enough like man for them to have a deep, heartfelt relationship.
You may have noticed that everyone is good at something and no one is good at everything. In any marriage, the man and woman will each have strengths and talents that are different each other. A normal man and a normal woman can help each other throughout their lives.
God decided to create someone to live with the man and enrich his life. After He had made the woman and presented her to Adam, the Bible says,
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
When Jesus quoted this passage from Genesis, He added:
So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (Matthew 19:6)
From these simple statements we learn some things about what God had in mind.
By saying “they are no longer two, but one,” Jesus shows that marriage is meant to be much deeper than any other human relationship. This is not merely a sexual union, or a business partnership, but a union that touches every area of our lives. God intends for my wife to be my closest friend. He made her capable of dreaming and hoping, just as I am. Somehow, we need to find a way for our dreams and hopes to link in a life that is better than either of us could have lived alone.
By saying, “what God has joined together,” Jesus shows that God is the author of marriage. We shouldn’t think of marriage as something we can redefine to fit our preferences, but something that God invented for our good. Many people like to take some of the parts of what marriage is supposed to be and leave out the parts they don’t like or that seem impossible. Examples of relationships that are only part of what they are supposed to be include,
· a man and wife who are far apart emotionally,
· a couple living together with no lifelong commitment,
· a marriage where there is unfaithfulness,
· a man and wife who don’t respect each other, or
· a marriage that leaves God out.
By saying, “let not man separate,” we can see that God intended for this to be a partnership to last the rest of our lives.
Successful marriage, then, involves:
· One man and one woman committing to help and honor each other
· Making marriage the deepest of our human relationships,
· Being committed to each other for life, and
· Having God at the center of the marriage.
Talk About It - Are you committed to marriage the way God planned it, or are there parts of His plan you’d prefer to leave out? How healthy is your marriage right now?
Marriage is as old as mankind. God invented it and explained it in the book of Genesis. God made a man and then said the man needed help. When God looked at Adam’s situation, it was the first time the Bible records God saying something was not good.
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18)
Don’t imagine that God meant to make someone merely to pick up Adam’s dirty socks. The Hebrew word ‘ezer, translated above as “helper” is a powerful term. It is often used to describe the help we get from God when we need to be rescued.
Why did the man need help? Why do you need help? If Adam had needed help moving a table, God would have made another man just like him. But, that isn’t the kind of help he needed.
All of us have strengths, but all of us also have weaknesses. We can benefit in many ways from someone who looks at life a little differently than we do. When God made woman, He intentionally made her different from man in many ways, while making her enough like man for them to have a deep, heartfelt relationship.
You may have noticed that everyone is good at something and no one is good at everything. In any marriage, the man and woman will each have strengths and talents that are different each other. A normal man and a normal woman can help each other throughout their lives.
God decided to create someone to live with the man and enrich his life. After He had made the woman and presented her to Adam, the Bible says,
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
When Jesus quoted this passage from Genesis, He added:
So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (Matthew 19:6)
From these simple statements we learn some things about what God had in mind.
By saying “they are no longer two, but one,” Jesus shows that marriage is meant to be much deeper than any other human relationship. This is not merely a sexual union, or a business partnership, but a union that touches every area of our lives. God intends for my wife to be my closest friend. He made her capable of dreaming and hoping, just as I am. Somehow, we need to find a way for our dreams and hopes to link in a life that is better than either of us could have lived alone.
By saying, “what God has joined together,” Jesus shows that God is the author of marriage. We shouldn’t think of marriage as something we can redefine to fit our preferences, but something that God invented for our good. Many people like to take some of the parts of what marriage is supposed to be and leave out the parts they don’t like or that seem impossible. Examples of relationships that are only part of what they are supposed to be include,
· a man and wife who are far apart emotionally,
· a couple living together with no lifelong commitment,
· a marriage where there is unfaithfulness,
· a man and wife who don’t respect each other, or
· a marriage that leaves God out.
By saying, “let not man separate,” we can see that God intended for this to be a partnership to last the rest of our lives.
Successful marriage, then, involves:
· One man and one woman committing to help and honor each other
· Making marriage the deepest of our human relationships,
· Being committed to each other for life, and
· Having God at the center of the marriage.
Talk About It - Are you committed to marriage the way God planned it, or are there parts of His plan you’d prefer to leave out? How healthy is your marriage right now?
40 Days to Strengthen Your Marriage and Impact the World - Introduction
Smile, lot’s of people are watching. Your marriage matters to a lot of people. If you have a healthy marriage, your children and many others will benefit from your example. You will leave a mark that will impact the world long after you’re gone. Unfortunately, successful marriages are on the decline in America. Statistics show that since 1960, the percentage of people in America who are married has steadily declined, the number of people who are divorced has increased, the number of people living together unmarried has increased sharply, and the number of married people who say they are very happy with their marriage has declined. (If you want to check out lots of statistics, visit http://marriage.rutgers.edu/) More troubling to us is the fact that less than 40% of high school seniors believe they will live fuller and happier lives if they choose legal marriage. We believe that just seeing one healthy marriage would change a young person’s mind.
But this book is not about statistics. It is about your marriage. It was written as a simple tool to help you succeed in marriage. It was written to help normal couples strengthen their marriage. It is written in plain language in short, readable chapters. It doesn’t ignore the tough challenges that some marriages face.
Marriage is not rocket science. Average people can succeed at it if they try.
This book was written for a man and wife to read together and to talk about together. How do you read a book together? Any of these approaches will work: take turns reading out loud, one reads out loud while the other listens (just make sure you’re both awake) or, read silently sitting side by side. Read it and then talk about it. Each chapter offers something to talk about at the end of the chapter.
This book was intended to be read, one chapter per day, for forty days. The chapters are all about the same length and will each take about 5 to 10 minutes to read. But the point is to strengthen your marriage, not just say you read the chapters. If you get off schedule, don’t panic, just pick up where you left off. You may come across something that sparks several days of discussion and you may choose to stay on that topic for a while until you get back into the book. If you take 40 weeks to get through the book, we don’t care. We just want you to succeed in your marriage.
We rely unapologetically on the Bible in this book. We believe that God invented marriage and the Bible shows us how to have a healthy one. Our hope and prayer is that your marriage will grow stronger and that you will be a blessing to everyone who knows you.
But this book is not about statistics. It is about your marriage. It was written as a simple tool to help you succeed in marriage. It was written to help normal couples strengthen their marriage. It is written in plain language in short, readable chapters. It doesn’t ignore the tough challenges that some marriages face.
Marriage is not rocket science. Average people can succeed at it if they try.
This book was written for a man and wife to read together and to talk about together. How do you read a book together? Any of these approaches will work: take turns reading out loud, one reads out loud while the other listens (just make sure you’re both awake) or, read silently sitting side by side. Read it and then talk about it. Each chapter offers something to talk about at the end of the chapter.
This book was intended to be read, one chapter per day, for forty days. The chapters are all about the same length and will each take about 5 to 10 minutes to read. But the point is to strengthen your marriage, not just say you read the chapters. If you get off schedule, don’t panic, just pick up where you left off. You may come across something that sparks several days of discussion and you may choose to stay on that topic for a while until you get back into the book. If you take 40 weeks to get through the book, we don’t care. We just want you to succeed in your marriage.
We rely unapologetically on the Bible in this book. We believe that God invented marriage and the Bible shows us how to have a healthy one. Our hope and prayer is that your marriage will grow stronger and that you will be a blessing to everyone who knows you.
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