7 – For Worse

Jake was at it again. It was almost two in the morning and he still wasn’t home. Sharon was pretty sure he would be at the bar or on his way home, but at times like this she always wondered if he was in the hospital or jail. She was afraid to hear the phone ring. She would be somewhat relieved to hear him drive into the driveway, but not fully relieved until she knew whether he was ready to go to sleep or was angry about something and ready to terrorize her and the kids. She and the kids always kept a bag packed in case they needed to get away quickly. She kept the phone close by, in case she had to call for help. She could doze a little, but could seldom really sleep. And for what seemed like the thousandth time, she thought about leaving Jake.
Jake hadn’t been like this when they married. He seemed loving and kind. They had rejoiced together when their children had been born. Where had things gone wrong?
What do you do if your marriage isn’t what you thought it was going to be? In this chapter and the next we want to talk about several categories of challenges.
Abuse – Abuse, whether verbal or physical, violates the very purpose of marriage. We were given to each other to help each other and build each other up. Abuse tears a person down.
No one should be expected to live in an abusive relationship. As we explained before, we believe that this is an appropriate situation for applying this passage:
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
If you are going to separate from your spouse, you need to do it with a door open toward reconciliation. If you separate, we believe you should give your spouse a written list of expectations of what it would take to get back together. You don’t need to make it easy. Include a time period during which trust can be rebuilt. For example, you may want to ask for six months of regular counseling or classes, some done individually and some with the two of you together.
If you need a no contact order during this time, that is your right. However, sometimes people will use a no contact order as a form of manipulation. They may invite their spouse over, in violation of the order, and then call the police on their spouse if something upsets them or they don’t get their way.
Some people will tell you to give up on a marriage in which there has been abuse. They will tell you an abuser will always return to abusive behavior. Certainly there are many examples of people who return to bad behavior, but we know that people can be set free from being abusive.
Terry and Theresa got in a big fight. He chased her through their mobile home park, threatening her life. His parents sided with him and welcomed him into their home. Her parents sided with her and welcomed her into their home. The police told her they would be happy to help her with a no contact order. An attorney told her she would be happy to help Theresa get a divorce. We were the only ones talking to Terry and Theresa about reconciliation. We helped Terry discover that the root of his behavior was being abused by some relatives as a child. He learned better ways of dealing with the frustration that is inevitable in marriage. They were reconciled and have now had several years of successful marriage.
Major Conflict – In marriage there are thousands of opportunities for minor conflict, such as, whether the toilet seat is up or down and where the dirty socks go. But there are a few opportunities for major conflict. You may disagree about where you will live, whether you will try to have more children, and who will work.
We believe that marriage should be based on mutual respect, and that major decisions shouldn’t be made without both partners being in agreement. If you can’t agree on a major decision, we recommend that you pray about it together, daily, until you are both in agreement. We have practiced this ourselves for several major decisions in our lives. We found that when we pray persistently, we not only come into agreement with each other, but we gain the peace of knowing that we are following God’s will.
We once decided to spend a season of our lives living in a tough neighborhood as volunteers for an inner city ministry. We left a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood that we had lived in for 19 years and moved to a different state. It was not an easy decision. However, because we spent several weeks praying diligently before we made this decision, we made the move with peace and harmony.
Some couples find it hard to pray together. In some cases, one may be comfortable praying aloud with their spouse while the other finds it difficult. We’ll say more about developing a prayer life together in chapter 14.
Waiting on major decisions until you are in agreement takes respect for each other and trust in God to lead you. However, if you will exercise patience and faith, we are convinced you will be pleased with the results.
Talk About It – Are there major issues in your marriage that you have not dealt with? Is there something you need to get help with from a pastor or a counselor?