Life was meant to be shared. The spouse God gave you is the one person who you should share the most with. When you look back at life, it will be the moments you shared that you will value more than the things you owned, the places you went, or the things you did.
When we were children we all knew how to be self centered. Hopefully, though, as we began to mature we began to learn to share with others. Most of life’s great moments are more enjoyable when they are shared. When you enjoy the beauty of the mountains or the ocean, you naturally want to turn to someone and say, “Look at that!” However, sharing life with your spouse requires that the two of you spend time together and that you speak to each other from your hearts.
If you learned to share cookies when you were a child, learning to share other things may come naturally. How about sharing honor, power, dreams, and significance? When you talk about the future, is there one of you who can talk for two hours straight about your dreams and plans, without taking a breath to listen to the other? If so, you need to work at bringing balance to your sharing of dreams.
If you come from a big family, you probably learned to share early in life. If you are an only child or were a spoiled child, you may find sharing harder to do. Sharing is going to be essential for a healthy marriage.
If sharing is hard for you, deepening your relationship with God will change the way you look at life and at others. God has called us to give Him our lives. Once we do, we quit looking at our lives as our private possession. We will be much more open to opportunities to share our lives with others.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1)
If you have given your life to God and have quit thinking of it as yours alone, you will find it easier to share with others, including your spouse.
Ted was a married man with children. He worked hard each day and when he came home at night he was tired. He always told his wife how important it was that she had dinner ready for him when he arrived home from work. She dutifully made sure dinner was hot and ready when he arrived. He would eagerly fill his plate, take it into the bedroom, close the door behind him, and turn on the television. It was quiet and relaxing in there. He was able to wind down from his tiring day at work. Television was great because it entertained Ted and required nothing of him. Occasionally, Ted’s relaxation was interrupted by the noise of his children playing or fighting in the living room. He would open the door and shout at his wife, “Why can’t you keep those children quiet?” Then he would close the door and go back to his relaxing dinner. Of course, Ted’s wife was finding little joy in these evenings. A married man was meant to be a part of the lives of his wife and children. While it would take something out of Ted to sit at the table and have dinner with his wife and kids, he would be giving something to his family, and would enjoy the reward of being part of the lives of his family members.
The Bible is consistent about calling us into meaningful relationships with others. In Genesis we read that God said it wasn’t good for the man to be alone. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon elaborates on the meaningless of a life lived alone.
There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"
This too is meaningless— a miserable business! Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:8-12)
Parts of this passage focus on the practical benefits of having a partner – having someone there when you fall, staying warm, and defending yourselves. But much of the pleasure in life, such as looking at a sunset or enjoying a good meal, is much better when it is shared with someone.
Sharing life with your spouse requires that your make sharing a priority. You must choose to spend time together in times and places where your hearts will be open to each other. We have some thoughts in other chapters that may help:
· spending some time each day in heart to heart conversation (chapter 29),
· getting out of town as a couple (chapter 35),
· making a weekly date night (chapter 39),
· and taking a family vacation, (also chapter 39).
Talk About It – Do you feel that your spouse is a partner who shares your dreams and enjoys life’s great moments with you? What can you do to deepen your sharing of life?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
18 – Negotiation
Any two people doing anything together will soon find that they have different ideas and different preferences. If one is the master and the other is the slave, then the slave’s opinion won’t matter. The master can just tell him what to do. In a marriage, though, mutual respect depends on taking each other’s thoughts and feelings seriously. The health of your marriage doesn’t depend on agreeing on everything; rather it depends on how you resolve disagreements.
In a healthy marriage, you will find many times when both of you are willing to bend. If we are going out to eat, Shirley will often be happy if I pick a restaurant, and I will be happy if she picks it. However, there will be times when you both have a preference and just don’t agree about something. You need to learn to negotiate.
It can sometimes be healthy to drop the issue for a while and think about it. Sometimes this isn’t possible. On the other hand, it’s definitely unhealthy if you drop it and never come back to resolve it.
Negotiation is an art. It involves two or more parties searching for a solution that works for everyone involved. Here’s how it works.
· State what you would like to have happen.
· Listen to the other person as they state what they would like to have happen.
· Share the reasons this matters to you.
· Ask the other person to explain how they feel about the issue.
· Listen to the reasons that this matters to the other person.
· Propose an alternative that you think may work for both of you.
· Listen to any alternatives proposed by the other person.
While you are negotiating, there is no benefit in getting angry. Don’t make accusations that the other person isn’t listening or doesn’t care about you.
Let’s listen in on Dick and Jane as they do a little negotiating. This will be their first Thanksgiving since their marriage.
Dick: “My Mom invited both of us over to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving.”
Jane: “I was hoping we could spend Thanksgiving with my Mom and Step Dad. They haven’t mentioned it yet, but that’s where I have always spent Thanksgiving.”
Dick: “What time are they having dinner?”
Jane: “They always eat around 2:00 and then play board games until late. Would your family be upset if you didn’t come this year?”
Dick: “Well, my parents are still getting to know you.
They were looking forward to spending some time with you. How would you feel if you missed Thanksgiving at your Mom’s this year?”
Jane: “I never even thought about it before. Thanksgiving is the one time we all get together. Would it work if we went to your parents’ house the day after Thanksgiving?”
Dick: “Maybe, that actually would be a quieter day for them and they would be able to spend more time talking to you. Let me call my parents and see what they say.”
Okay, maybe this one worked out too easily! Maybe either Mother was going to have a fit if Dick and Jane didn’t show up at their house. Maybe the two sets of parents live 500 miles apart and it is impossible to split the weekend between them. Life can be hard. However, the key to a good relationship is to get on the same side of problems by caring about what is important to the other person, realizing that they have different preferences than you. If Dick wants Jane to be able to spend time with her family and Jane wants Dick’s parents to be able to get to know her better, they will work together and find a solution.
Do you see how easily a conversation like this could go astray if you don’t stick together looking for a solution?
· You don’t like my parents!
· You don’t care about what I want!
· You’re just selfish!
· Your family makes me uncomfortable!
· Blah, blah, blah…
There is also danger, though, if Dick or Jane simply gives in to the other and harbors ill feelings about it. Good negotiation is much better than a fight, but a good fight could be better than seething resentment.
In many cases, when you negotiate, you are looking for a middle ground or compromise. However, sometimes a compromise may be worse than either person’s preference. If one of us wants to paint the house blue, and the other wants to paint it red, then red and blue stripes would be a fair but foolish compromise. The Biblical example of a fair but foolish compromise is Solomon’s offer to cut a baby in half to settle a dispute between two women who each claimed the baby. (Solomon was not being foolish when he proposed it. He knew the real mother would give in for the sake of the child.)
Sometimes there is no sensible compromise or no middle ground. Sometimes you must choose together to adopt one of your preferences. There will, however, often be other offsetting steps you can take to preserve mutual respect. For example:
· We may do it my way this time, but your way next time.
· I’m working late today, but I’ll take you out to dinner tomorrow.
· It’s really important that we go to my parents’ anniversary party, even though you prefer not to, but this summer you can pick the vacation destination.
Be careful, though, in taking steps like this, that the relationship doesn’t become petty, with detailed score keeping. The goal is for each of you to be generous and open hearted, expressing mutual respect for each other.
Sometimes you need to talk about something your spouse is doing that hurts you and that needs to change. We’ll talk about confrontation a little later. If the vote is stuck at one to one, there needs to be a way to settle it. We’ll talk about leadership a little later.
Talk About It – How effective are you at negotiation? When you try to talk, is there anything that gets you off track? Is there anything you can do to improve your ability to negotiate?
In a healthy marriage, you will find many times when both of you are willing to bend. If we are going out to eat, Shirley will often be happy if I pick a restaurant, and I will be happy if she picks it. However, there will be times when you both have a preference and just don’t agree about something. You need to learn to negotiate.
It can sometimes be healthy to drop the issue for a while and think about it. Sometimes this isn’t possible. On the other hand, it’s definitely unhealthy if you drop it and never come back to resolve it.
Negotiation is an art. It involves two or more parties searching for a solution that works for everyone involved. Here’s how it works.
· State what you would like to have happen.
· Listen to the other person as they state what they would like to have happen.
· Share the reasons this matters to you.
· Ask the other person to explain how they feel about the issue.
· Listen to the reasons that this matters to the other person.
· Propose an alternative that you think may work for both of you.
· Listen to any alternatives proposed by the other person.
While you are negotiating, there is no benefit in getting angry. Don’t make accusations that the other person isn’t listening or doesn’t care about you.
Let’s listen in on Dick and Jane as they do a little negotiating. This will be their first Thanksgiving since their marriage.
Dick: “My Mom invited both of us over to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving.”
Jane: “I was hoping we could spend Thanksgiving with my Mom and Step Dad. They haven’t mentioned it yet, but that’s where I have always spent Thanksgiving.”
Dick: “What time are they having dinner?”
Jane: “They always eat around 2:00 and then play board games until late. Would your family be upset if you didn’t come this year?”
Dick: “Well, my parents are still getting to know you.
They were looking forward to spending some time with you. How would you feel if you missed Thanksgiving at your Mom’s this year?”
Jane: “I never even thought about it before. Thanksgiving is the one time we all get together. Would it work if we went to your parents’ house the day after Thanksgiving?”
Dick: “Maybe, that actually would be a quieter day for them and they would be able to spend more time talking to you. Let me call my parents and see what they say.”
Okay, maybe this one worked out too easily! Maybe either Mother was going to have a fit if Dick and Jane didn’t show up at their house. Maybe the two sets of parents live 500 miles apart and it is impossible to split the weekend between them. Life can be hard. However, the key to a good relationship is to get on the same side of problems by caring about what is important to the other person, realizing that they have different preferences than you. If Dick wants Jane to be able to spend time with her family and Jane wants Dick’s parents to be able to get to know her better, they will work together and find a solution.
Do you see how easily a conversation like this could go astray if you don’t stick together looking for a solution?
· You don’t like my parents!
· You don’t care about what I want!
· You’re just selfish!
· Your family makes me uncomfortable!
· Blah, blah, blah…
There is also danger, though, if Dick or Jane simply gives in to the other and harbors ill feelings about it. Good negotiation is much better than a fight, but a good fight could be better than seething resentment.
In many cases, when you negotiate, you are looking for a middle ground or compromise. However, sometimes a compromise may be worse than either person’s preference. If one of us wants to paint the house blue, and the other wants to paint it red, then red and blue stripes would be a fair but foolish compromise. The Biblical example of a fair but foolish compromise is Solomon’s offer to cut a baby in half to settle a dispute between two women who each claimed the baby. (Solomon was not being foolish when he proposed it. He knew the real mother would give in for the sake of the child.)
Sometimes there is no sensible compromise or no middle ground. Sometimes you must choose together to adopt one of your preferences. There will, however, often be other offsetting steps you can take to preserve mutual respect. For example:
· We may do it my way this time, but your way next time.
· I’m working late today, but I’ll take you out to dinner tomorrow.
· It’s really important that we go to my parents’ anniversary party, even though you prefer not to, but this summer you can pick the vacation destination.
Be careful, though, in taking steps like this, that the relationship doesn’t become petty, with detailed score keeping. The goal is for each of you to be generous and open hearted, expressing mutual respect for each other.
Sometimes you need to talk about something your spouse is doing that hurts you and that needs to change. We’ll talk about confrontation a little later. If the vote is stuck at one to one, there needs to be a way to settle it. We’ll talk about leadership a little later.
Talk About It – How effective are you at negotiation? When you try to talk, is there anything that gets you off track? Is there anything you can do to improve your ability to negotiate?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
17 – Mutual Respect
Imagine the President of the United States asking you to take care of his puppy. Would you take good care of it? You probably would consider this an important responsibility, regardless of how you felt about the dog. You would take good care of the dog because you respect the President. (If you happen to dislike whoever is President when you read this, don’t miss the point. Think of someone else you highly respect.)
God loves your spouse. He is much more important than the president, and He wants you to treat your spouse with respect.
The key to a healthy marriage is for two people to treat each other with honor and respect. We may have a tendency to respect each other for things that don’t last, such as:
Good Looks – Almost everyone is more attractive when they are young than when they are old. If we want to have mutual respect in a life-long relationship, we are going to need respect that is based on something deeper than looks.
Money – Money comes and goes. Someone who is rich today will be poor later and someone who is nearly penniless today will have great wealth next week.
Intelligence – I respected my Father for his intelligence, but in the last 10 years of his life, his mind eroded with dementia. I still respected him.
Here are some lasting things we can base our respect for each other on.
God Gave Us to Each Other – If you honor God, you are going to honor the one He gave you and told you to respect.
We Committed Our Lives to Each Other – In general, homeowners take better care of their homes than renters. The difference is commitment. If you meant what you said when you married each other, this gives your reason enough to respect each other.
We Are Building a Life Together – Paul wrote that, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) If you treat your spouse with respect, you also benefit.
If you respect your spouse, you will listen to him or her, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying. You will care about how they are feeling, even if their feelings don’t make sense to you.
Maybe you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his wife Sarita. You can read the entire story if you can find a copy of the February, 1988, Readers Digest, or the November, 1965, Woman’s Day. Johnny Lingo was known in the islands as a wealthy young man and a smart trader, but no one could understand why he paid eight cows for his wife. A man in his community could get a beautiful wife for four or five cows. No one had ever paid eight cows. The woman he wanted to marry was considered plain and her friends assumed her father would do well to negotiate for one cow for Sarita. But Johnny, without negotiation, quickly offered eight. The author of the story had heard about the price Johnny paid for his plain looking wife, but when the author met Sarita she was amazed at Sarita’s beauty and bearing. Still puzzled, she asked Johnny why he had paid such a high price for Sarita. He explained two things, 1) “I wanted her and no other woman,” and 2) “I wanted an eight cow wife.” The esteem that Johnny gave his wife resulted in her seeing herself as having great value. She lived accordingly and her innate beauty that others hadn’t seen before came shining through.
Many times people will feel disrespected by their spouse. If you do, you have three choices:
1. Fight for respect. This doesn’t often work. If you fight, you probably are only going to get a fight back.
2. Show disrespect. Many people respond to disrespect with disrespect. That seems fair, but the likely result is that your spouse is going to return even more disrespect. This can send your marriage into a downward spiral that is difficult to recover from.
3. Give more respect. Give and it will be given to you.
Many people read the words of Jesus, “Give and it will be given to you,” and think He was primarily talking about money. He was talking about mercy.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37-38)
If you treat your spouse with more respect and honor, your spouse will treat you with more respect. This is the most important ingredient in a healthy marriage and you can only get more by giving more.
Talk About It – How well have you done at showing each other mutual respect? How can you improve?
God loves your spouse. He is much more important than the president, and He wants you to treat your spouse with respect.
The key to a healthy marriage is for two people to treat each other with honor and respect. We may have a tendency to respect each other for things that don’t last, such as:
Good Looks – Almost everyone is more attractive when they are young than when they are old. If we want to have mutual respect in a life-long relationship, we are going to need respect that is based on something deeper than looks.
Money – Money comes and goes. Someone who is rich today will be poor later and someone who is nearly penniless today will have great wealth next week.
Intelligence – I respected my Father for his intelligence, but in the last 10 years of his life, his mind eroded with dementia. I still respected him.
Here are some lasting things we can base our respect for each other on.
God Gave Us to Each Other – If you honor God, you are going to honor the one He gave you and told you to respect.
We Committed Our Lives to Each Other – In general, homeowners take better care of their homes than renters. The difference is commitment. If you meant what you said when you married each other, this gives your reason enough to respect each other.
We Are Building a Life Together – Paul wrote that, “He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) If you treat your spouse with respect, you also benefit.
If you respect your spouse, you will listen to him or her, even when you don’t agree with what they are saying. You will care about how they are feeling, even if their feelings don’t make sense to you.
Maybe you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his wife Sarita. You can read the entire story if you can find a copy of the February, 1988, Readers Digest, or the November, 1965, Woman’s Day. Johnny Lingo was known in the islands as a wealthy young man and a smart trader, but no one could understand why he paid eight cows for his wife. A man in his community could get a beautiful wife for four or five cows. No one had ever paid eight cows. The woman he wanted to marry was considered plain and her friends assumed her father would do well to negotiate for one cow for Sarita. But Johnny, without negotiation, quickly offered eight. The author of the story had heard about the price Johnny paid for his plain looking wife, but when the author met Sarita she was amazed at Sarita’s beauty and bearing. Still puzzled, she asked Johnny why he had paid such a high price for Sarita. He explained two things, 1) “I wanted her and no other woman,” and 2) “I wanted an eight cow wife.” The esteem that Johnny gave his wife resulted in her seeing herself as having great value. She lived accordingly and her innate beauty that others hadn’t seen before came shining through.
Many times people will feel disrespected by their spouse. If you do, you have three choices:
1. Fight for respect. This doesn’t often work. If you fight, you probably are only going to get a fight back.
2. Show disrespect. Many people respond to disrespect with disrespect. That seems fair, but the likely result is that your spouse is going to return even more disrespect. This can send your marriage into a downward spiral that is difficult to recover from.
3. Give more respect. Give and it will be given to you.
Many people read the words of Jesus, “Give and it will be given to you,” and think He was primarily talking about money. He was talking about mercy.
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. (Luke 6:37-38)
If you treat your spouse with more respect and honor, your spouse will treat you with more respect. This is the most important ingredient in a healthy marriage and you can only get more by giving more.
Talk About It – How well have you done at showing each other mutual respect? How can you improve?
16 – Integrity
Did you ever wonder why God was so tough on Ananias and Sapphira? In Acts, chapter 5, they agreed together to lie to the Apostles. No one was forcing them to sell land and give money to help other Christian believers. They chose to do that, but they decided to keep some of the money for themselves. That wouldn’t have been a problem either, but they agreed to lie and say that they were giving the full amount of the sale. For some reason, it was important to them to look to others like something they weren’t. This is what is called hypocrisy. It was their lie that got them in trouble, and they both ended up dead.
Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." (Acts 5:3-4)
You can have two forms of hypocrisy in a family. First, members of the family may try to hide who they really are from the other members of the family. A woman may try to sneak a smoke while pretending to the family that she doesn’t smoke. A man may say he is working late, but be stopping off at a bar. A teen may be trying to hide drug use from their parents. These lies are destined to be uncovered. It isn’t that difficult for your family to see the truth. Sometimes a family member really knows the truth, but chooses to live in denial rather than face the facts.
Second, as in the case of Ananias and Sapphira, a couple or the whole family may conspire to fool the outside world. Sometimes family members are expected to lie to cover up physical abuse within the family or substance abuse by one of the members of the family.
Either of these forms of hypocrisy will damage the respect for one another within a family that keeps a family strong and a marriage sweet.
Your family gets to see your life close up and knows what you are really made of. Being honest with yourself and with your spouse will add strength to your marriage and increase the respect you have for each other.
There are a lot of things you can’t choose. You can’t choose how tall you are, who your parents are, or what century you live in. But you can choose to be an honest person who does not try to pretend to be something you aren’t.
Integrity begins with putting God first in your life. If you only want to please Him, and know you can’t fool Him, you won’t be motivated to try to fool others.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)
Lying to your children will eventually hurt them. There are very few lies you are going to tell them that won’t eventually be discovered. When your children discover you have lied to them, they will not only be hurt, they will lose respect for you and for the otherwise good things you have imparted to them.
Notice where lying fits in God’s eyes:
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)
He mentions lies twice in this passage, “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies.”
If you and your spouse have conspired together to lie to anyone, you are going to need to repent together and make it right together.
If you have lied to your spouse or children, you need to make it right by speaking the truth. There is a good chance your family already knows the truth, but when you come clean you will remove the stain on your character.
Don’t make promises to your children or to your spouse that you don’t intend to keep. If you committed to something that you absolutely cannot keep, explain it to them and find ways to make it right.
Pay your taxes, pay your bills, and be a person whose word can be counted on.
Talk About It – In what ways do you, as a couple, have the choice of being honest or dishonest? Are there people you need to “come clean” with?
Then Peter said, "Ananias, how is it that Satan has so filled your heart that you have lied to the Holy Spirit and have kept for yourself some of the money you received for the land? Didn't it belong to you before it was sold? And after it was sold, wasn't the money at your disposal? What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God." (Acts 5:3-4)
You can have two forms of hypocrisy in a family. First, members of the family may try to hide who they really are from the other members of the family. A woman may try to sneak a smoke while pretending to the family that she doesn’t smoke. A man may say he is working late, but be stopping off at a bar. A teen may be trying to hide drug use from their parents. These lies are destined to be uncovered. It isn’t that difficult for your family to see the truth. Sometimes a family member really knows the truth, but chooses to live in denial rather than face the facts.
Second, as in the case of Ananias and Sapphira, a couple or the whole family may conspire to fool the outside world. Sometimes family members are expected to lie to cover up physical abuse within the family or substance abuse by one of the members of the family.
Either of these forms of hypocrisy will damage the respect for one another within a family that keeps a family strong and a marriage sweet.
Your family gets to see your life close up and knows what you are really made of. Being honest with yourself and with your spouse will add strength to your marriage and increase the respect you have for each other.
There are a lot of things you can’t choose. You can’t choose how tall you are, who your parents are, or what century you live in. But you can choose to be an honest person who does not try to pretend to be something you aren’t.
Integrity begins with putting God first in your life. If you only want to please Him, and know you can’t fool Him, you won’t be motivated to try to fool others.
For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)
Lying to your children will eventually hurt them. There are very few lies you are going to tell them that won’t eventually be discovered. When your children discover you have lied to them, they will not only be hurt, they will lose respect for you and for the otherwise good things you have imparted to them.
Notice where lying fits in God’s eyes:
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers. (Proverbs 6:16-19)
He mentions lies twice in this passage, “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies.”
If you and your spouse have conspired together to lie to anyone, you are going to need to repent together and make it right together.
If you have lied to your spouse or children, you need to make it right by speaking the truth. There is a good chance your family already knows the truth, but when you come clean you will remove the stain on your character.
Don’t make promises to your children or to your spouse that you don’t intend to keep. If you committed to something that you absolutely cannot keep, explain it to them and find ways to make it right.
Pay your taxes, pay your bills, and be a person whose word can be counted on.
Talk About It – In what ways do you, as a couple, have the choice of being honest or dishonest? Are there people you need to “come clean” with?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
15 – Service
One of the ironies of life is that if you make your own happiness a primary goal in life, you won’t be happy. Happiness is a by-product of a meaningful life. If you live your lives pursuing only goals that benefit your family, such as the new car, the bigger house and the retirement fund, you may achieve all your goals and find your life empty and meaningless. A married couple must live for more than themselves. Using what you have, your time, your abilities, and your money, to help others in some way is called service. If you as a couple don’t serve someone other than yourselves, your marriage will be hollow and aimless.
Life can often seem overwhelming. It may seem like it takes every minute available and every penny we have just to keep our own heads above water. That’s an illusion. There is always room in your life to serve others. Even the poor widow who Elijah met was called to serve and had to decide if she had room in her heart to share what she had with someone else.
So he went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, "Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?" As she was going to get it, he called, "And bring me, please, a piece of bread."
"As surely as the LORD your God lives," she replied, "I don't have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die."
Elijah said to her, "Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD gives rain on the land.' " (1 Kings 17:10-14)
The Bible commands everyone to serve others.
Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. (1 Peter 4:10)
You are not healthy personally and your marriage is not healthy if you are not serving others in some way.
Your church and other non-profit organizations are great places to find opportunities to help people in your community. But if you keep your eyes open, you will find opportunities to serve all around you. Helping someone move, helping someone get their car running, taking meals to a family who is dealing with an illness; the opportunities are limitless.
For couples, here are a couple of guidelines.
Don’t Overdo It – The needs in your community and your world are great. There seems to be no end to the useful things you could be doing. If you allow yourself, you can become greatly over committed to others. While some people still need to learn to say “yes” to opportunities to serve, you may find that you need to learn to say “no” to some of them.
Don’t Get Pulled Too Far in Opposite Directions – A man and wife will have different gifts and interests. Their willingness to serve others may keep them busy in different places too much of the time. Suppose a husband is a good back yard mechanic and loves to help others with their car problems. He may find himself frequently under the hood of someone else’s car and spending too little time with his wife. Suppose her interest is decorating and she has found many opportunities to help other ladies spruce up their home. These projects can sometimes consume hours and keep people busy much longer than they had planned. You need to put a high priority on time together and limit service to others if it is keeping you apart. If you can find opportunities to serve together, you can build your relationship and help others at the same time.
Some couples have taken dramatic turns in their lives because of their willingness to serve others. Rick and Audrey McAninch were the parents of four grown children when they moved to Kenya in 1995. Teen boys were beginning to move to the streets of Kenya, having been orphaned and/or traumatized by the AIDS pandemic. Some girls were also on the streets, but harder to find because they were often quickly grabbed for house help or prostitution. Before long, Rick and Audrey discovered that there were also many babies being abandoned—most, because of cultural beliefs.
Rick and Audrey started a rescue center right in their own home. At any given time, they cared for up to thirty boys and a handful of girls they had gathered from the streets—plus eight or so abandoned babies. They also adopted two toddlers, just when they themselves had become grandparents!
We’re not suggesting that to serve others you must sell your house and move to Africa. We are saying that to have a healthy, meaningful marriage you do need to be serving someone.
Talk About It – In what ways are you using time and money to help others? Does your service to others need to increase? Is service to others a source of conflict? What can you do to resolve the conflict?
Life can often seem overwhelming. It may seem like it takes every minute available and every penny we have just to keep our own heads above water. That’s an illusion. There is always room in your life to serve others. Even the poor widow who Elijah met was called to serve and had to decide if she had room in her heart to share what she had with someone else.
So he went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, "Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?" As she was going to get it, he called, "And bring me, please, a piece of bread."
"As surely as the LORD your God lives," she replied, "I don't have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die."
Elijah said to her, "Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD gives rain on the land.' " (1 Kings 17:10-14)
The Bible commands everyone to serve others.
Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. (1 Peter 4:10)
You are not healthy personally and your marriage is not healthy if you are not serving others in some way.
Your church and other non-profit organizations are great places to find opportunities to help people in your community. But if you keep your eyes open, you will find opportunities to serve all around you. Helping someone move, helping someone get their car running, taking meals to a family who is dealing with an illness; the opportunities are limitless.
For couples, here are a couple of guidelines.
Don’t Overdo It – The needs in your community and your world are great. There seems to be no end to the useful things you could be doing. If you allow yourself, you can become greatly over committed to others. While some people still need to learn to say “yes” to opportunities to serve, you may find that you need to learn to say “no” to some of them.
Don’t Get Pulled Too Far in Opposite Directions – A man and wife will have different gifts and interests. Their willingness to serve others may keep them busy in different places too much of the time. Suppose a husband is a good back yard mechanic and loves to help others with their car problems. He may find himself frequently under the hood of someone else’s car and spending too little time with his wife. Suppose her interest is decorating and she has found many opportunities to help other ladies spruce up their home. These projects can sometimes consume hours and keep people busy much longer than they had planned. You need to put a high priority on time together and limit service to others if it is keeping you apart. If you can find opportunities to serve together, you can build your relationship and help others at the same time.
Some couples have taken dramatic turns in their lives because of their willingness to serve others. Rick and Audrey McAninch were the parents of four grown children when they moved to Kenya in 1995. Teen boys were beginning to move to the streets of Kenya, having been orphaned and/or traumatized by the AIDS pandemic. Some girls were also on the streets, but harder to find because they were often quickly grabbed for house help or prostitution. Before long, Rick and Audrey discovered that there were also many babies being abandoned—most, because of cultural beliefs.
Rick and Audrey started a rescue center right in their own home. At any given time, they cared for up to thirty boys and a handful of girls they had gathered from the streets—plus eight or so abandoned babies. They also adopted two toddlers, just when they themselves had become grandparents!
We’re not suggesting that to serve others you must sell your house and move to Africa. We are saying that to have a healthy, meaningful marriage you do need to be serving someone.
Talk About It – In what ways are you using time and money to help others? Does your service to others need to increase? Is service to others a source of conflict? What can you do to resolve the conflict?
Friday, April 3, 2009
14 – Prayer
Do you think your marriage would be any different if Jesus lived at your house, joined you for dinner, helped you plan your finances, and intervened when you argued? It’s hard to imagine things not improving if Jesus was there all the time. That’s just what He wants, to be there all time. Praying together is one of the most powerful tools you have for welcoming God into your daily lives.
In this chapter we want to first look at some simple principles of prayer and then think about how to apply them to marriage.
And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. (Matthew 6:5-8)
In this passage Jesus taught that prayer:
· Is not a show, so we shouldn’t be worrying about how we sound or what anyone else is thinking.
· Is talking to God and we can expect Him to hear and answer prayer.
· Shouldn’t involve the repetition of empty words, so we can pray in plain English about the daily issues that are on our minds.
He really made it pretty simple. Prayer is talking to your Father. Because your Father loves you, He will hear you when you pray. Talking to Him will make a difference. But, because He is smarter than you are, He may answer in ways you don’t expect.
Why should we pray together?
For one thing, Jesus taught us about the power of praying in agreement.
“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)
Praying together also adds a dimension to our relationship with each other. It’s difficult to disrespect each other when we are together honoring the One who made us both. We can often communicate more effectively about things when we have talked together to God about it.
Why is it hard for some couples to pray together?
Praying together with your spouse has so many benefits that it is well worth overcoming whatever obstacles you may find. Here are some of the things that may stand in the way of couples praying together.
Time pressure – Life is always going to seem busy, but you will always find time for the things you think are important. Even a few minutes each day spent together in prayer will be well worth the time you put into it.
Disrespect – It can be tough for a couple who has been treating each other with disrespect to sit down and pray together. They know they are going to have to change their attitude to be able to pray sincerely. This is one great reason for praying together despite whatever disagreements or disrespect you may have had with each other. If you have been arguing or insulting each other, don’t bring that into your prayer, other than repenting and asking God to show you both His will.
Discomfort – Some people are uncomfortable praying out loud around other people, sometimes even more uncomfortable with their spouse or with their family. This is something you just need to get over through practice. Make it a point to pray together. Pray out loud. Keep it simple. If your spouse is the one who is uncomfortable, avoid any criticism of the way he or she prays.
Shallow Relationship With God – When I was in elementary school, a Sunday School teacher impressed on us the importance of a regular prayer life. I decided to begin to pray each night as I went to bed. For a couple of days I asked God to bless my family, help me in school, and keep my friends safe from harm. After about three days of that, I really couldn’t think of anything else that needed to be said, so I prayed, “God, you know, the usual. Amen.” After a day or two of that, I quit praying at bedtime at all. My problem was that I had a very shallow relationship with God. There really were many more things on my mind, but I didn’t see God as a part of my daily life, so I didn’t think about talking to God about them. I wasn’t thinking about God’s plan for my future, so I wasn’t thinking of praying about the future. I wasn’t aware of how much God loved everyone else, so I wasn’t praying for others at my school to find God. There really were many things I could have been praying about.
If you find that your prayers are superficial, you may also need to deepen your Bible study, to see more of what is in God’s heart and how He works in the lives of people. Serving others will also add a dimension to your prayer life. We’ll talk about service in the next chapter.
Talk About It – How much time do you spend praying together? How effective is your prayer time? What do you need to do to improve it?
In this chapter we want to first look at some simple principles of prayer and then think about how to apply them to marriage.
And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. (Matthew 6:5-8)
In this passage Jesus taught that prayer:
· Is not a show, so we shouldn’t be worrying about how we sound or what anyone else is thinking.
· Is talking to God and we can expect Him to hear and answer prayer.
· Shouldn’t involve the repetition of empty words, so we can pray in plain English about the daily issues that are on our minds.
He really made it pretty simple. Prayer is talking to your Father. Because your Father loves you, He will hear you when you pray. Talking to Him will make a difference. But, because He is smarter than you are, He may answer in ways you don’t expect.
Why should we pray together?
For one thing, Jesus taught us about the power of praying in agreement.
“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:19)
Praying together also adds a dimension to our relationship with each other. It’s difficult to disrespect each other when we are together honoring the One who made us both. We can often communicate more effectively about things when we have talked together to God about it.
Why is it hard for some couples to pray together?
Praying together with your spouse has so many benefits that it is well worth overcoming whatever obstacles you may find. Here are some of the things that may stand in the way of couples praying together.
Time pressure – Life is always going to seem busy, but you will always find time for the things you think are important. Even a few minutes each day spent together in prayer will be well worth the time you put into it.
Disrespect – It can be tough for a couple who has been treating each other with disrespect to sit down and pray together. They know they are going to have to change their attitude to be able to pray sincerely. This is one great reason for praying together despite whatever disagreements or disrespect you may have had with each other. If you have been arguing or insulting each other, don’t bring that into your prayer, other than repenting and asking God to show you both His will.
Discomfort – Some people are uncomfortable praying out loud around other people, sometimes even more uncomfortable with their spouse or with their family. This is something you just need to get over through practice. Make it a point to pray together. Pray out loud. Keep it simple. If your spouse is the one who is uncomfortable, avoid any criticism of the way he or she prays.
Shallow Relationship With God – When I was in elementary school, a Sunday School teacher impressed on us the importance of a regular prayer life. I decided to begin to pray each night as I went to bed. For a couple of days I asked God to bless my family, help me in school, and keep my friends safe from harm. After about three days of that, I really couldn’t think of anything else that needed to be said, so I prayed, “God, you know, the usual. Amen.” After a day or two of that, I quit praying at bedtime at all. My problem was that I had a very shallow relationship with God. There really were many more things on my mind, but I didn’t see God as a part of my daily life, so I didn’t think about talking to God about them. I wasn’t thinking about God’s plan for my future, so I wasn’t thinking of praying about the future. I wasn’t aware of how much God loved everyone else, so I wasn’t praying for others at my school to find God. There really were many things I could have been praying about.
If you find that your prayers are superficial, you may also need to deepen your Bible study, to see more of what is in God’s heart and how He works in the lives of people. Serving others will also add a dimension to your prayer life. We’ll talk about service in the next chapter.
Talk About It – How much time do you spend praying together? How effective is your prayer time? What do you need to do to improve it?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
13 – Forgiving Others
If you live on this planet, someone, sometime, is going to hurt you. When they do, you only have two options.
· You can forgive them, let go of the bitterness, and think of yourself as a child of God who is loved and well cared for despite some hurt, or;
· You can hang on to resentment and think of yourself as a victim.
If you carry resentment, the person who will suffer most for it is you. The suffering will also extend to whoever is close to you, whether or not they had anything to do with your past hurt. If you resent people who have hurt you in the past, you are likely to over react to your spouse in the routine things you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
For some strange reason, resentment tends to make you become like the person you have resentment toward. If you resent your Dad, some morning you will wake up and find him staring back at you in the mirror.
Some people think that to forgive they need to do a little rationalizing. Rationalizing sounds something like this:
· I would have done the same thing in his situation.
· She didn’t really know how bad that would hurt me, or she wouldn’t have done it.
· His Mom mistreated him, so he can’t help acting that way.
Rationalizing may make you feel better, but it isn’t required for forgiveness. When you forgive, you recognize that what was done was wrong and that it really hurt, but you choose to let go of the bitterness.
Jesus showed us that it is important and urgent that we forgive those who have wronged us.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)
Forgiveness is not the same as trust. If I loan you my car and you bring it back crushed and admit that you really don’t know how to drive, I need to forgive you. I don’t have to trust you with my car again anytime soon. Someone may have hurt you in a way that makes you feel that you cannot trust them. You can still forgive them, letting go of the bitterness you feel. You don’t have to trust them until they have earned your renewed trust. If someone continually hurts you, you may need to be somewhat on guard with them, but you don’t need to carry a grudge or look for ways to repay hurt with hurt.
Letting go of bitterness and resentment is easier said than done. We recommend doing it while praying, by telling God something like this: “God, Joe really hurt me by what he did. I know You have forgiven all the wrong I have done, so I forgive Joe for what he did. Even though he hurt me, You have always been with me to help me and show me Your love.”
Many things can trigger memories and the feelings that go with them. You may have forgiven someone and may have prayed something like the prayer in the paragraph above. You may be feeling fine and suddenly be hit with anger or resentment over some past hurt. A song, a smell, a simple statement, or a sight may trigger your feelings. Don’t despair, it’s time to pray again and feel again that freedom from those past hurts. Every time you pray and forgive, the grip that your past has on you will weaken. Your mind will be retrained and you will find yourself stewing over past hurts less and less frequently.
There may be someone from your past that is still in a position to hurt you. For example, if you had children with someone you are now divorced from, they will have an ongoing influence in your life because of your shared involvement in the children’s lives. This will make it all the more important that you clear your heart of bitterness from the past. If you do, you will be able to deal with today’s issues today, and not react to hurtful experiences from the past. Keep praying about your forgiveness and trust God with your life. If you are due child support or other money, you need to keep your heart free from depending on it. You can insist on what is rightfully yours, but when you are alone, you need to acknowledge to God that it is really Him you rely on. When you pray, let go of your need for financial help and agree with God that He will take care of you even when others fail you. Doing this will free you from the control the other person has over your emotions.
If one of your parents is still inflicting hurt on your life with negative comments, interference, or the withholding of love, you and your spouse need to lean on each other and on God. Do this while obeying the command to honor your father and your mother. Don’t allow yourself to become bitter or combative toward your parent.
Talk About It –Discuss any hurts that are still having an effect on your marriage. What do you need to do to get free from any unforgiveness you are carrying?
· You can forgive them, let go of the bitterness, and think of yourself as a child of God who is loved and well cared for despite some hurt, or;
· You can hang on to resentment and think of yourself as a victim.
If you carry resentment, the person who will suffer most for it is you. The suffering will also extend to whoever is close to you, whether or not they had anything to do with your past hurt. If you resent people who have hurt you in the past, you are likely to over react to your spouse in the routine things you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
For some strange reason, resentment tends to make you become like the person you have resentment toward. If you resent your Dad, some morning you will wake up and find him staring back at you in the mirror.
Some people think that to forgive they need to do a little rationalizing. Rationalizing sounds something like this:
· I would have done the same thing in his situation.
· She didn’t really know how bad that would hurt me, or she wouldn’t have done it.
· His Mom mistreated him, so he can’t help acting that way.
Rationalizing may make you feel better, but it isn’t required for forgiveness. When you forgive, you recognize that what was done was wrong and that it really hurt, but you choose to let go of the bitterness.
Jesus showed us that it is important and urgent that we forgive those who have wronged us.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)
Forgiveness is not the same as trust. If I loan you my car and you bring it back crushed and admit that you really don’t know how to drive, I need to forgive you. I don’t have to trust you with my car again anytime soon. Someone may have hurt you in a way that makes you feel that you cannot trust them. You can still forgive them, letting go of the bitterness you feel. You don’t have to trust them until they have earned your renewed trust. If someone continually hurts you, you may need to be somewhat on guard with them, but you don’t need to carry a grudge or look for ways to repay hurt with hurt.
Letting go of bitterness and resentment is easier said than done. We recommend doing it while praying, by telling God something like this: “God, Joe really hurt me by what he did. I know You have forgiven all the wrong I have done, so I forgive Joe for what he did. Even though he hurt me, You have always been with me to help me and show me Your love.”
Many things can trigger memories and the feelings that go with them. You may have forgiven someone and may have prayed something like the prayer in the paragraph above. You may be feeling fine and suddenly be hit with anger or resentment over some past hurt. A song, a smell, a simple statement, or a sight may trigger your feelings. Don’t despair, it’s time to pray again and feel again that freedom from those past hurts. Every time you pray and forgive, the grip that your past has on you will weaken. Your mind will be retrained and you will find yourself stewing over past hurts less and less frequently.
There may be someone from your past that is still in a position to hurt you. For example, if you had children with someone you are now divorced from, they will have an ongoing influence in your life because of your shared involvement in the children’s lives. This will make it all the more important that you clear your heart of bitterness from the past. If you do, you will be able to deal with today’s issues today, and not react to hurtful experiences from the past. Keep praying about your forgiveness and trust God with your life. If you are due child support or other money, you need to keep your heart free from depending on it. You can insist on what is rightfully yours, but when you are alone, you need to acknowledge to God that it is really Him you rely on. When you pray, let go of your need for financial help and agree with God that He will take care of you even when others fail you. Doing this will free you from the control the other person has over your emotions.
If one of your parents is still inflicting hurt on your life with negative comments, interference, or the withholding of love, you and your spouse need to lean on each other and on God. Do this while obeying the command to honor your father and your mother. Don’t allow yourself to become bitter or combative toward your parent.
Talk About It –Discuss any hurts that are still having an effect on your marriage. What do you need to do to get free from any unforgiveness you are carrying?
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